This weekend ....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itstime, Sep 18, 2009.

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  1. itstime

    itstime Member

    I will be very very alone this weekend. My daughter and her husband are going out of town. My little grandson will be at his other gramma's house in another state. They will all be back Sunday evening.

    My sister (the one that says she loves me and will always be there for me) hasn't called in months. I think the last time she called she asked me how things were going. I told her I was losing my house, I can't find a job, etc. I'm sure she is sick of me as much as I am.

    I do a lot of thinking when I'm alone .. which is often. There was a time, about six years ago, I was employed by the state. I looked after families who abused their children. A nine month old precious little boy died while on my watch. Of course I wasn't there ... he was brutally abused by the mothers boyfriend. The father called me that morning in tears and I can still hear his screams ... "My son is dead!!!" I had tried so very hard to get that child out of that abusive home. I had pictures of bruises, cig burns, etc, but they still didn't take him out of the house. I begged ... I called law enforcement, my superior, and DHS. It was ultimately DHS's decision and they said they didn't have time to investigate. Five days later ... he was dead. there wasn't a bone in his body that hadn't been broken. He died a very slow and painful death. Some type of metal rod was shoved up his rectum and pulled out most of his body parts out with it. Very very gruesome. The boyfriend got life in prison. The mom got off scott free.

    I remember holding him on my knee ... he was very shy. He was too shy, and that is one of the signs of abuse. He couldn't talk ... but I "thought" to him that I would make sure he would never be beaten again ... I would be there for him and I would be his lifeline to safety. I failed that little boy.

    After being abused all of my childhood, I decided to become an advocate for abused children. Maybe make a difference. But look what happened. I failed him. I blame me ... I was new ... I thought I was giving it my all, but evidently not enough. I just think what ever I come in contact with ... usually ends up bad. Even when I try, it comes out bad.

    Within a month of that happening is when my husband (ex now) told me he was cheating. My daughter was getting married that month and my nerves were completely shot. So much happened at that time.

    I'm not sure life is any better now ... no ... in fact I know it isn't better. I don't think I was suppose to be born. I think I was a mistake. I know God isn't suppose to make mistakes ... but maybe we are all wrong in that concept?

    Before I ruin anymore lives, or depress the ones that I love ... maybe this weekend should be the weekend. I have to work on Saturday, but I will have all day Sunday and all day Monday.

    Why is that so wrong? I'm just too old to start over. I'm tired ... I'm really really very tired. I just feel that I have nothing left .... and what I do have, nobody wants.

    Just rambling ... I need to go think some more.
  2. pisces

    pisces New Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hi there,i'm so sorry to hear about all of your troubles and that you're feeling so low,i've experienced a few bad things in life that all seemed to come one after another and didnt think i could ever see an end to the troubles or that i'd ever smile again and was so sick of hearing people say to me there's light at the end of the tunnel,but amazingly enough there was and i really hope that there will be for you too.
    Please dont give up if you leave the one's you love believe me you're not going to depress them less,my brother left me and i only feel worse because i couldn't help him and i'm sure your family would rather try and help you afterall when we love someone we want to love and protect them.Please keep talking or give me a shout use me as a sounding block anytime(((((hugs))))
  3. cilnuntwi

    cilnuntwi New Member

    what next?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It was not your fault none of it you tried and noone listened. Are you being treated for Post traumatic disorder. I hope you have a therapist Please don't do anything I know you are suffering but please call for help crisis your doctor. Stay strong please you are so kind and compassionate don't do this it will only cause others pain. Something you just would not want.
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