This went in a direction I didn't intend

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Gwyrdd

Well-Known Member
#1
How do you guys deal with wanting to talk to friends about your difficulties, but not wanting to be the "complaining" or "depressed" friend? I feel fake when I pretend nothing is wrong, but then I'm made to feel like I'm annoying as fuck when I don't. And it's not like it's ALL I want to talk about. Fuck, it'd be amazing if I didn't need to. But even when I go 3 weeks of the month ok-ish, and one week is hell. I want to talk about it during that week, and I've been made to feel by so many people that simply venting for 5 minutes so I don't have to keep everything to myself is some kind of affront . I get that I can be a broken record if the same shit is bothering me, and I get that not everyone is equipped to deal with solving my problems, but I don't want solutions, I want them to fucking listen exactly like I would/do for them. And for people who say they love me, they have a really fucking great way of showing it. Not that I even open up to people much anymore anyway, still pisses me off though.

Well, this post has deviated from my original question significantly.
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#2
How do you guys deal with wanting to talk to friends about your difficulties, but not wanting to be the "complaining" or "depressed" friend? I feel fake when I pretend nothing is wrong, but then I'm made to feel like I'm annoying as fuck when I don't. And it's not like it's ALL I want to talk about. Fuck, it'd be amazing if I didn't need to. But even when I go 3 weeks of the month ok-ish, and one week is hell. I want to talk about it during that week, and I've been made to feel by so many people that simply venting for 5 minutes so I don't have to keep everything to myself is some kind of affront . I get that I can be a broken record if the same shit is bothering me, and I get that not everyone is equipped to deal with solving my problems, but I don't want solutions, I want them to fucking listen exactly like I would/do for them. And for people who say they love me, they have a really fucking great way of showing it. Not that I even open up to people much anymore anyway, still pisses me off though.

Well, this post has deviated from my original question significantly.
Perhaps your friends aren’t equipped to help you? What is it that you want from them?
 

Gwyrdd

Well-Known Member
#3
Perhaps your friends aren’t equipped to help you? What is it that you want from them?
Honestly, just understanding. If not of the feeling, then at least just understanding that I'm having trouble. The whole reason I even joined SF is because I never felt heard, even while I was talking. And people here have already shown me that people CAN hear me, they just choose not to, I guess. And in a way, it's almost made things worse, my first post here, I got more supportive replies from complete strangers than I get from people who call themselves my friends. And it's kind of made me realize that, save one person, every relationship in my life is hollow.

I get that being afflicted with similar illnesses affords a large degree of understanding and empathy. But is it really so hard for someone to say "I'm sorry your feeling this way, right now, and I understand if you need space/company/etc" instead of just brushing someone aside?
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#4
How do you guys deal with wanting to talk to friends about your difficulties, but not wanting to be the "complaining" or "depressed" friend? I feel fake when I pretend nothing is wrong, but then I'm made to feel like I'm annoying as fuck when I don't. And it's not like it's ALL I want to talk about. Fuck, it'd be amazing if I didn't need to. But even when I go 3 weeks of the month ok-ish, and one week is hell. I want to talk about it during that week, and I've been made to feel by so many people that simply venting for 5 minutes so I don't have to keep everything to myself is some kind of affront . I get that I can be a broken record if the same shit is bothering me, and I get that not everyone is equipped to deal with solving my problems, but I don't want solutions, I want them to fucking listen exactly like I would/do for them. And for people who say they love me, they have a really fucking great way of showing it. Not that I even open up to people much anymore anyway, still pisses me off though.

Well, this post has deviated from my original question significantly.
I choose different people for different difficulties, like technical problems at work are meant for my senior, team leader and manager. However, there are a lot of difficulties that I have no one to talk to or more like I am proved that they cannot and will not really listen, like my constant suicidal thoughts. That's why I'm often on SF.

Choosing people to vent to is not easy, but I'd rather not saying anything rather than being ignored, talked down and blamed, preached in self-help contents, or similar to what you are facing.

Listening is not a simple skill, so be proud of yourself. We will be here for you.
 

Gwyrdd

Well-Known Member
#5
I choose different people for different difficulties, like technical problems at work are meant for my senior, team leader and manager. However, there are a lot of difficulties that I have no one to talk to or more like I am proved that they cannot and will not really listen, like my constant suicidal thoughts. That's why I'm often on SF.

Choosing people to vent to is not easy, but I'd rather not saying anything rather than being ignored, talked down and blamed, preached in self-help contents, or similar to what you are facing.

Listening is not a simple skill, so be proud of yourself. We will be here for you.
See, this is my point: 6 simple sentences, and I feel like I wasn't just talking to a brick wall. Thank you.

And you're probably right about choosing the right people, instead of hoping for any person to be the right person.
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#6
Honestly, just understanding. If not of the feeling, then at least just understanding that I'm having trouble. The whole reason I even joined SF is because I never felt heard, even while I was talking. And people here have already shown me that people CAN hear me, they just choose not to, I guess. And in a way, it's almost made things worse, my first post here, I got more supportive replies from complete strangers than I get from people who call themselves my friends. And it's kind of made me realize that, save one person, every relationship in my life is hollow.

I get that being afflicted with similar illnesses affords a large degree of understanding and empathy. But is it really so hard for someone to say "I'm sorry your feeling this way, right now, and I understand if you need space/company/etc" instead of just brushing someone aside?
That’s the the thing though, because we understand your pain and hardships it’s easier to understand your needs. With someone who doesn’t I would think you’d have to be more specific. For instance if you need to vent, go to your friend tell them you need them to listen to you vent. If you need company because you’re struggling with being alone, invite them over and tell them you just need to meet up. No one can read minds, and not everyone will understand what you’re going through. Even if you explain it a million times; if they don’t experience the same thing, they really cannot relate. Just my thoughts.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#7
Sometimes I find I have to tell people I just want them to listen to me. I have friends who mean well, but want to give you advice, or if it's too difficult for them, they try to change the subject. Of course it's difficult and uncomfortable, but if all I need is someone to vent to, I find that helps. They don't need an answer or to provide distraction.

And they are your friend, they should be willing to be with you through good times and bad. I'm sorry they don't seem to be.

I also agree, I have different people in my life who know different things, and can help me in different ways.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#8
Here's the thing about SF, mate: every one of us logs on here for 2 reasons -- we either want to talk or we want to be heard. No one is a "burden" here because you log in to vent and be heard and there is certainly someone around to do the talking. We don't log on when we don't FEEL like talking or when we are too overwhelmed to listen to others.

With your friends, they may not be prepared for that venting or hearing about this stuff all the time. I'm not saying it's right necessarily, just that it becomes hard because they often want to FIX IT and can't. And we bring a lot of the same problems to the table time and time again right? School is shit and then next week it's exams and then next week it's studying and then next week it's finals. Or your thing is work and your boss is a dick and then it's your coworker did this thing and next time it's a customer did this jerk thing today. You get the idea.
Here at SF? We don't care about all that. We are here to listen to you bitch about school or work or your family day after day because frankly if someone gets sick of hearing you yammer on about it they will just keep scrolling by. We also try to troubleshoot and fix stuff when we can. Give you advice or whatever but sometimes what people really want is to be heard - and we have plenty of that to give.

I doubt that your friends are being assholes; that's the gist of what I'm trying to say. Maybe you can release some of your venting here and leave your friends for more... friendly things :) like hanging out and having fun.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#11
How do you guys deal with wanting to talk to friends about your difficulties, but not wanting to be the "complaining" or "depressed" friend? I feel fake when I pretend nothing is wrong, but then I'm made to feel like I'm annoying as fuck when I don't. And it's not like it's ALL I want to talk about. Fuck, it'd be amazing if I didn't need to. But even when I go 3 weeks of the month ok-ish, and one week is hell. I want to talk about it during that week, and I've been made to feel by so many people that simply venting for 5 minutes so I don't have to keep everything to myself is some kind of affront . I get that I can be a broken record if the same shit is bothering me, and I get that not everyone is equipped to deal with solving my problems, but I don't want solutions, I want them to fucking listen exactly like I would/do for them. And for people who say they love me, they have a really fucking great way of showing it. Not that I even open up to people much anymore anyway, still pisses me off though.

Well, this post has deviated from my original question significantly.
I hide it from the remaining people in my life, even the 3 that I consider dear friendships. It's from fear of them disconnecting. It's easy to hide because we live in different states. It has distanced others I had in my life, also ones who would have journeyed through with me have passed away. And it not being the topic of conversation for the most part is perfect and makes me feel like a normal human but I do miss having someone to talk with if I deeply feel the need. This is the only place where I get to do that at times. Just wanting to be listened to, to be heard, that's a strong part of what I believe heals us......
 
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