This may end up being long but hang in there please because I need someone to talk to. First of all I would like to say I would never kill myself, I don't have the capacity to i'm too much of a pussy. I'm pretty much here just asking for simple connections with people... I'm 23 years old. I used to be class clown, everyone loved me, I was happy just from waking up. I can't believe I even remember that, remembering though feels good but it's so empty like i'm not even feeling it, it feels like cancer. I used to overhear people talk about how cool or funny I was. People wanted to hang out with me, I was the guy to know, the guy to lean on. I was active into sports and great at everything I did, hell I still am... But i've lost so much. Like all the things I excel at don't bring me satisfaction anymore so why even do them... I've lost interest in all the things I love, I still love them but I find it hard to do them because I figure what's the point... You should know now that I do not express my feelings well and i'm one of those people who trap everything inside and this place makes me feel I can pour it out to you. This is the first time i've really ever let anyone know how I feel. Thank you for reading. The reason i'm posting here is my head feels weird today. I've been really depressed the last few days and something just hit me today that all is hopeless. I feel a huge emotional pressure on my brain and this is my reaction. I felt this pressure and my mouth started to vibrate (it wasn't physically vibrating but I felt something like that) and I got something like the taste of blood in my mouth (That's where the name on here comes from, i'm not trying to be emo or anything lol... Not that there's anything wrong with that!). I heard about this forum because my friend was on here a month or so ago and I got emails saying he was going to commit suicide. (he didn't) I get love from some of my family, my girlfriend, and a couple of friends (I guess) but I don't feel good. I understand they need me here but I don't FEEL it if you catch what i'm trying to say. I'm very unemotional to everything, I have a way to look outside of the box with no emotion and can help people with their problems by looking at the facts... But I don't feel the emotion I just see it... This is not how it used to be you know. I know how to feel good I just can't... I remember, now that I know what's like to not be able to smile, that I used to be able to smile without even trying. I hate that... I am so depressed, when I laugh at something it is funny but I put on a fake smile, it's not purposely fake , the laugh is purely out of how funny it was you know, but if there was a picture taken you could see the smile wasn't real... Sorry i'm jumping left and right here. Feeling good gradually started decreasing into high school, I was no longer class clown the jokes in class would stick between few friends. I can sum up my high school years for you. Freshman year was great - Had lots of friends, I was a cool guy to people and I had those few friends that I only cared what they thought of me. Everyone wanted me to play football because I was so good. All through high school people were telling me to join football but I never wanted to I didn't want to dedicate my time to that because I had other interests. Sophomore was pretty much the same. Jr. year I can remember being isolated to only the few friends, I would only let certain people into my life. Senior year it got worse I guess - I was still fine in the head but I only kept those two friends i've known since middle school... I dont know where i'm going with this, I guess the point is less and less people felt compelled to hang with me (or I felt less compelled to them I don’t know) and I wasn't in the light anymore. I wasn't who I used to be. I know the "Fuck the world" saying, fuck everybody and who cares what people think but you have to realize that's all there is here on earth. There's nothing here but people and if you don't get along and know how to live then how can you enjoy life here? People have to respect you to enjoy your company, and if you’re not cool to be around then nobody wants to be around you. That's where I am, I do not know how to live. Every day is a new pressure, a new stressful day of being in my head. I know like I told you before, I know HOW to occupy myself and do things but I don't feel any emotion from it. I'm lost man and I need to find myself again. Right when I wake up instead of being happy that i'm alive like before... I woke up this morning and I wondered why, who would want to wake up to this... That is fucking insane and I do not want to feel that way! I have many things to live for... I have a decent job, I bought a house with my girlfriend, I have a band that i'm proud of, I enjoy video games … I have a lot of things to feel confident about but I don’t feel it. I figure the more experiences someone has in their life the more confident they are. I have the experiences but the confidence is gone. Anyway, after my senior year I sat… I sat in my mothers house smoking weed and playing video games for… 3 years straight? I was doing this before though too but I had school and I was more active about hanging out, but these 3 years there was no break. It was non-stop wake up - smoke weed – play video games – smoke weed – eat – play video games - smoke weed – smoke weed before bed – sleep – repeat… 3 years… 3 years is a long time. I cut myself off from the world and did nothing with even my best two friends. They would always come over and hang but they would always want to go do stuff like concerts and stuff but I never wanted to go… I kind of missed out on the partying stuff… I feel like a huge chunk of my life is gone and this is what I have to show for it, anxiety, depression, just self-loathing bullshit… I wake up and go to my job because I need to work to support my mortgage but it sucks, I can’t look anyone in the eye it’s like I’m ashamed of myself or something. I walk down the long hall and if I see someone I cut off into the shorter halls and take shortcuts to avoid people. I used to talk to random people wtf?! I had my one and only anxiety attack when I went to see Batman with my brother. We were in a huge line with lots of people and after a while I just couldn’t breathe. I got light headed and knew I was going down soon so I asked a pure stranger if I could steal their seat real quick and told them I didn’t feel good. They let me sit down and I pretty much blacked out but I was conscious the whole time, I knew what happened. I swear I heard someone say I was having a panic attack but I didn’t know at the time I what it was but then I knew. After the attack I felt weird but I went up a few spaces to stand with my brother for the remainder of the line. The line started moving and right before we got there I threw up out of nowhere. It sucked, I looked around not knowing what to do and my brother asked me if I was alright and told me to go to the bathroom and clean myself off. He asked if I wanted to leave but hell no I wanted to see Batman lol. We watched the movie but I smelled like throw up :/ I just feel like I’ve lost so much. I don’t know I guess I need to cut this shit off or no one will want to read and talk to me lol. I just want to say that I blame myself for all that’s unfolded in my life because I am the one who owns this life and my thoughts and actions are what created me. My mom let me smoke weed in her house, she said I would do it anyway if she tried to stop me and she was right I know I would. She was taking care of me and I don’t blame her at all because I am her son and she did the best she could. My friends tried to hang out with me but I didn’t want to and that’s my own fault. I didn’t get a job till I was 21 and that’s all me. I let my life slip away little by little and I guess I can keep living to see what’s next. I don’t want to die I DO feel the need to find out what’s next, I want things to get better I just feel hopeless about it. Lastly if you read all of this THANK YOU!!! You really hung in there lol and I don’t want anyone to say they care about me or any junk that you’re saying just to say it. I think I just need to let this all out and talk to someone who’s feeling as bad as I do. I’ve looked on here the past couple of days and you guys really show each other that people do help in this world. I will tell you right now it takes a lot to make me cry because of my lack of feeling and sensitivity and I cried at some of the shit you guys say to each other you guys are really cool and it’s good to meet you. Feel free to talk to me about anything you want and contact me if you need someone to talk to, I’m ready to give support as well as receive.