Why am I alive anyways? A question many ask, but only a few ask them as much as suicidal people. And instead of searching reasons to live, I search reasons not to, because I can't find a reason to continue. I am yet only alive because of my best friend and my promise, but I don't know if I can keep it for long. I don't know if I can live much longer. This life doesn't make sense. You are born, educated by shitty parents who only know violence to make you learn. You go to school 8 years where the you spread the violence that you know from home. You go to school 8 years to get shit on by teachers and to either fit into society or be bullied. I told them so many times I would kill myself and they didn't care.. I even tried it once but yeah. You see how successful I was. This is what happens when you don't merge with the society. When you don't listen to the same music, like the same stuff and etc. You're just a loser if you don't fit in. Teachers will bully you, students will bully you, parents will bully you and psychologists will only try to make you fit in. But in all honest I'd rather die instead of fitting into society. Into this society of monkeys. Haven't got much of a choice anyways. I either go to the psychatrist who will A.) Lock me in a mental hospital or B.) Give me pills. And both ways only make me normal instead of helping me. Actually a study shows that people who recover without medication are less dangered from the, as I like to call it, mental destruction to come back. So psychatrists are useless. Parents are useless. Teachers are useless. You go to school 8 years just to live through hell. After that you get the choice to continue into high school or to go work. Continue into high school to be even more around stupid idiots and just extend the time till you can get a job and move out of your home with idiotic narrow-minded parents. At one point of your life you will HAVE to work if you want to survive. You have no choice, you are FORCED to. And then you do the same bullshit every fucking day, 8 hours. I am barely able to go to school one week straight. I am not even able to work yet. You do the same shit every day, have no free time and just hate your life even more. Loose friends. Have to fit in. Fit in or no job. Slave to the system or no job. Slave to the system or die. That's the hidden message. It's wrong to have a unnatural hair colour (mine is white). It's wrong to like people of the same gender. It's wrong to actually have a Alter Ego of a different gender. It's gay. You're a ******. No one will like you. You will never get a job. You're not allowed to listen to metal. It's evil. It's satanic. Strange enough it gave me enough strength to hold out 16 years.. soon 17. Wasted time. Wasted nerves. Wasted suffer. For what? What can you really do in this world? What is the meaning of life? You can go to school, fit into the system, get a job, maybe marry, maybe get some children who will suffer just like you and then get into a home where people treat you like you would be 5 years old again. The only time you don't have to rely on anyone is the time where you don't even have time for yourself. You only think about work work work work work work work. Money money money money money money. You have no choice, you are just sent here into this world with no choice of appearance or gender (honestly, if I could choose I would be reborn as a female tbh). No choice of parents or sexuality. You are just born the way you are. And people tell you to accept it. They tell you "All of your mistakes make you who you are." WELL, what if I don't like who I am? "Why would you want to be anyone else?" Because anyone else is better than me. I'd rather be anyone than me. But you can't change it either. You can do nothing about it. It's hopeless. This whole world is hopeless. It's just eternal suffer.. it's simply said: Hell. I have lost all hope.. What am I even supposed to do? or rather What CAN I do? What is the meaning of life? And no I won't seek professional help. These "professionals" are pure bullshit. I went to 5 different and no one cured me yet. And I'm loosing trust into them. After I saw what they made out of a few friends of mine.. I don't want to end up like them. They may be happy now. But I'd rather die before I turn into sheep. I literally wrote a letter to myself to open. If I am still alive and I have changed like those fucking traitors did then I should quickly find a way to get out. There is more than one reason I think of suicide.. one being that this world is hopeless anyways. The other is my fear of turning into a slave like some of my friends. It's not just fear, it's anxiety. Real anxiety. If the only way to be happy is fitting in then I will gladly life my whole life unhappy until I die.