This world is hell

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DancingWithTheDevil, Feb 27, 2014.

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  1. Why am I alive anyways? A question many ask, but only a few ask them as much as suicidal people. And instead of searching reasons to live, I search reasons not to, because I can't find a reason to continue. I am yet only alive because of my best friend and my promise, but I don't know if I can keep it for long. I don't know if I can live much longer. This life doesn't make sense. You are born, educated by shitty parents who only know violence to make you learn. You go to school 8 years where the you spread the violence that you know from home. You go to school 8 years to get shit on by teachers and to either fit into society or be bullied. I told them so many times I would kill myself and they didn't care.. I even tried it once but yeah. You see how successful I was. This is what happens when you don't merge with the society. When you don't listen to the same music, like the same stuff and etc. You're just a loser if you don't fit in. Teachers will bully you, students will bully you, parents will bully you and psychologists will only try to make you fit in. But in all honest I'd rather die instead of fitting into society. Into this society of monkeys. Haven't got much of a choice anyways. I either go to the psychatrist who will A.) Lock me in a mental hospital or B.) Give me pills. And both ways only make me normal instead of helping me. Actually a study shows that people who recover without medication are less dangered from the, as I like to call it, mental destruction to come back. So psychatrists are useless. Parents are useless. Teachers are useless. You go to school 8 years just to live through hell. After that you get the choice to continue into high school or to go work. Continue into high school to be even more around stupid idiots and just extend the time till you can get a job and move out of your home with idiotic narrow-minded parents. At one point of your life you will HAVE to work if you want to survive. You have no choice, you are FORCED to. And then you do the same bullshit every fucking day, 8 hours. I am barely able to go to school one week straight. I am not even able to work yet. You do the same shit every day, have no free time and just hate your life even more. Loose friends. Have to fit in. Fit in or no job. Slave to the system or no job. Slave to the system or die. That's the hidden message.

    It's wrong to have a unnatural hair colour (mine is white). It's wrong to like people of the same gender. It's wrong to actually have a Alter Ego of a different gender. It's gay. You're a ******. No one will like you. You will never get a job. You're not allowed to listen to metal. It's evil. It's satanic. Strange enough it gave me enough strength to hold out 16 years.. soon 17. Wasted time. Wasted nerves. Wasted suffer. For what? What can you really do in this world? What is the meaning of life?

    You can go to school, fit into the system, get a job, maybe marry, maybe get some children who will suffer just like you and then get into a home where people treat you like you would be 5 years old again. The only time you don't have to rely on anyone is the time where you don't even have time for yourself. You only think about work work work work work work work. Money money money money money money.

    You have no choice, you are just sent here into this world with no choice of appearance or gender (honestly, if I could choose I would be reborn as a female tbh). No choice of parents or sexuality. You are just born the way you are. And people tell you to accept it. They tell you "All of your mistakes make you who you are." WELL, what if I don't like who I am? "Why would you want to be anyone else?" Because anyone else is better than me. I'd rather be anyone than me. But you can't change it either. You can do nothing about it. It's hopeless. This whole world is hopeless. It's just eternal suffer.. it's simply said: Hell.

    I have lost all hope..

    What am I even supposed to do?
    or rather
    What CAN I do?

    What is the meaning of life?

    And no I won't seek professional help. These "professionals" are pure bullshit. I went to 5 different and no one cured me yet. And I'm loosing trust into them. After I saw what they made out of a few friends of mine.. I don't want to end up like them. They may be happy now. But I'd rather die before I turn into sheep. I literally wrote a letter to myself to open. If I am still alive and I have changed like those fucking traitors did then I should quickly find a way to get out.

    There is more than one reason I think of suicide.. one being that this world is hopeless anyways. The other is my fear of turning into a slave like some of my friends. It's not just fear, it's anxiety. Real anxiety.

    If the only way to be happy is fitting in then I will gladly life my whole life unhappy until I die.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu don't have to fit in to anyones mold you just have to be you and to be decent to others. There are many gay partners that go on and live without changing
    you need to find what it is YOU want in life and go after it without all the anger that is where a therapist can step in not to change you but to help you with your anger and your pain you are holding onto.
  3. Yes and these are mostly despised. And it doesn't matter if they would not be. Life is still hopeless. I am never happy anyways and when I die it will be all over anyways. So what reason do I have to continue?

    And as said.. I won't go to a therapist. I had enough of them. And also as said.. what they did to my friends.. I just hate these therapists. One almost went for suicide because of her therapist and the other turned into a schizoid asshole. Don't even try the therapist thingy.
  4. IceStorm

    IceStorm Active Member

    I am sorry you have had a hard time. If therapy is not something that you want to get into what do you want to do? It sounds like you do have a lot of anger and that can just eat you up. I wish I knew what to say to help you a little. I was drawn to your message because it reminds me of my daughter. She is unique and does not fit in with most of societies norms but I would never wish her to be anything other than who she is. She has been bullied at school (kids can be very unaccepting of differences) and when the school didn't seem to be able to do anything about the bullying we changed schools for her and she is much happier there ( they have an absolute zero tolerance for bullying). Your message reminds me I have to look out for her and make sure her self-esteem and self worth do not suffer because she is unique. I believe that you are special just because you are you. You don't have to be what other people expect you to be and, as total eclipse said, you should just be you and be decent to others. I am sorry your parents don't seem to be supportive of you, do you have anyone there who is supportive of you, who accepts you for who you are? Is it possible to sit down with your parents and talk, explain to them how you feel and the effects of all this on you? What would make you happy? When you are feeling so bad I know it can be very hard to think about being happy or to see that there are possibilities but it is possible to be happy, there is hope.
    As far as work goes, I don't think it is a matter of being a slave to the system but finding something that you enjoy doing and pursue that, working is a big part of our lives and finding something you want and like to do is important. You have time to find this.
  5. Time? Ahhahahahahahaha. I am a person who thinks about how to invest time almost every second. You could even call it a disorder. I always think of how to save a lot of time just to waste it again.

    And I have my friends.. they do accept me for a part.. I mean they would also accept me fully but they'd rather laugh about my gender-complex so I just stay silent. Only my best friend knows about it.
    No it's not possible to sit down with my parents and talk my feelings. I live in a narrow-minded religious family who used to live in a communist state and always preach about how much better it was. Talking to them is like boxing a wall.. you will only hurt yourself that way.

    What would make you happy? Uff where should I start.. actually being good-looking (a lot of people tell me I am but well.. while I have no problem with being male I hate looking like one.. also I am very obsessed with my looks and I spend hours in the bathroom and I literally can write about every bad detail on my body that no one else minds but they drive me crazy).. a part of good-looking would be being feminine (hell I am anorexic because I am trying to get into a feminine shape.. and depression makes me too weak to work out)... moving out or the death of my parents (both ways would make me VERY VERY happy)..

    Hmm what else would make me happy? A meaning in life. As I have no one but my best friend and the mentioned promise I made to her. Actually, while I like all of my friends.. I am somehow unable to care about them. For the most of them they could die and I would give maybe 2 shits about it. Maybe I also would be happier if I could care for anyone else but my best friend.

    Hell I don't know all to many things that would make me truely happy as there only are a few. Maybe if I had my first relationship but I doubt that... I'm very antisocial, not ready for a relationship (with 16 yrs wohooo) and I have too many trust-issues. Also I am easily hurt by people I like so naaaah. I better stay single for a time. Maybe forever. I am one of the persons who don't need love in live. I need no love nor do I need to be loved. As you see no one has given me love yet and I'm still alive. Not even my parents. And now it's too late for them. I will never forgive them for the hell they turned my childhood into. They could literally die and I would just be more happy. That's how much I hate them. Actually there are 3 persons on this world that I really despise.. from the deepest of my heart. I don't hate anyone else. These people being Mum, Dad and me.

    Therapy.. as said.. they will only send me into a mental hopsital or even an asylum. After all they call me insane because I seem schizophrenic. But the devils I see and hear are real. No one can tell me they aren't when even a few of my friends have seen one of them. No one can tell me they're not real when one of my friends is walking with the scar they caused by using my body. I am very suicidal and hell I even would be ready to commit murder. That's how deep I have fallen. They would definitely send me into some kind of mad-house.

    I like to be unique but I hate my appearance and my personality. Actually being unique and intelligence are the only things that I find positive about me.

    But I have yet to find something I'm not the worst at.. because hell.. always when I do something there is someone doing it 10000x better and looking down on me mocking me how bad I am. This makes me loose will to continue.

    I don't know what to do.. I don't have a meaning in life.. how do others have it?...
  6. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    I don't know your parents obviously, but I can give you the benefit of the doubt in terms of why you hate them so much. Parents are not always good people. My father certainly wasn't. As far as I'm concerned, he's already dead. I hate him so much, I disappeared from his life and will never speak to him so long as he lives. I would have killed him if I had stayed. I avoided killing him to keep myself out of jail, not because I give a shit about him.
    And it's not so easy to forgive and forget if their crime against you has been severe enough, and if you were super young and helpless. the damage done can be tremendous if you are only a tiny kid.

    I know it's painful to identify as a different gender than your biological sex. I'm female but don't completely identify that way. Used to try to starve off my feminine shape to look more androgynous. Atm I've pretty much given up all hope of being my ideal and don't even try anymore. It's hard to be that way in this world, but I'd feel really alone if the rest of you disappeared.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2014
  7. Cat of Spades

    Cat of Spades Well-Known Member

    It's true, the world is hell... but fortunately you don't have to worry about the world, only about yourself.

    Find what makes you happy in this world and pursue it, renewed hope through objectives can make a huge difference.
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Dancingwiththedevil, Respect as your post is honest and from the heart. I hope thing gets better for you. But we conform to society and what is to us is normality. All I can say just take one day at a time and keep posting. Life throws us shit but we deal it.
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