It's like I can't live without pain anymore. I've been self harming for about 5 years now, mainly cutting but not only (because it leaves scars - but I get to frustrated when they fade). Now, the only times I don't self harm are when i'm either sore all over from sports or I get my monthly stomach cramps. I would love to do some kind of sport every day. But I can't because I still go to school and that's what I'm expected to do. I am also supposed to go working to get money so I could buy myself a new bass guitar or go out to do stuff with friends and go to games with my softball team, plus my favorite cousin's wedding is coming up. If I don't pay for that, my sister will pay for me. Which is awesome, but just reminds me what a failure I am. She has straight A's, tutors kids, plays 2 instruments, is awesome at sports and is everyone's favorite person amongst our relatives. She also always has money. And aside from also playing 2 instruments, I have nothing of that. What's worst is that she is my younger sister. I just feel so fucking worthless and useless nad like such a failure. I can't even simply stop cutting. Which brings me to tomorrow - it's Self Harm Awareness Day tomorrow and I am going to to go school, without covering my scarred wrists, drawing butterflies on my arms and wearing an orange ribbon. But I'm so afraid. Some people know I cut. Quite a few actually. They either all yelled at me for it or they didn't show any interest of my well being at all (except for my best friend - who sadly lives half-way across the planet and doesn't have time for me lately (like the last few months)). So, I don't know how the school will react. But I just want to be happy. I want to get better. That is why I'm showing my scars. To try and change something so that maybe something will get better. I am doubting it though. Because I have changed so much about my life and still I am quite suicidal, depressed and I self harm. I gather all my courage, put myself out there, do stuff I don't really want to, stand through it all and yet it doesn't change a thing. I still cry at night, I still feel so alone, the darkness is still there.