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Those days

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I had a dream this morning. It started with me talking to my ex girlfriend. We were friendly and nice to each other for once instead of talking about our past relationship. We talked I know before we stopped all contact with each other she told me she lost her job. I remember her telling me she got a job at Cub foods. I congratulated her. We ensued to talk about what else was new in life. I told her about me trying to kill myself. Not living at home anymore, having to find a place to sleep each night (or my car would of been found and I would of been in trouble) using your car as a residence is generally illegal. But anyways back to the dream. At first we weren't talking face to face. but then I remember being back at my Mom's place. And she being with me and we sat down at our family room table where we eat dinner. My mom was there. I remember my ex being very snobbish to my Mom. And my mom saying something about her situation of not having a good relationship with her parents and she doesn't have to take it out on her or me.

I remember my ex then crying. It is kinda blurry but I remember laughing with both her and my Mom. We were happy.

I woke up though with a scowl on my face.

Thing's like this just are so odd. I used to dream about her all the time when I was sleeping regularly and when we were still together and getting along.

I hate it. I hate this. I am so angry. -_-" mostly at myself. I am also ashamed at myself. I am sure if I actually told her what I did to myself she would hate me even more. But who cares? It's not like I am going to be talking to her anytime soon anyways.

I want this to just go away. I want to move on. I am trying. I know she has. Completely.

I keep having those thoughts. My 3 week old wound opened today before I was going to take a shower. It opened all the way. I just watched it bleed. It didn't hurt. It's more about not having any of the qualities I thought I was and had. They have abandoned me. But there is one thing I am holding on to. I am not quite sure. I have many things wrong with me. The world has been quite cruel to me in the past and quite good also. I hate being alone all day, everyday. I want a reason to wake up not just because I have insomnia. I want a reason to live, to come home at the end of the day and be happy. Not empty. I am indeed exhausted. Tired. Of everything. i haven't slept in weeks. This is maddening. I keep hearing the phrase their are people in worse situations that you. I hate that phrase. Absolutely. It feel's very ignorant and just trying to make my situation like it is nothing. I want someone to say hey you matter to me truly. I need you truly. I don't have that yet. Or every. I don't want to give up, but it is happening slowly.

"People walk around saying I don't understand why so-and-so took their own life. Well I understand perfectly why people take their life. They need the rest. Depression is exhausting. It's why day by day, months at a time I wanted to take my life. What I don't understand is how people come through on the other side and reclaim life with new vividness and new intensity, that is the real mystery to me." - Parker Palmer.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
People get through to the other side and reclaim their lives by getting support hun by getting therapy and sometimes by getting on medication to keep them stable. Using both meds and therapy work the best I am glad you are reaching out here keep doing that okay Reach out for any support you can get to help you through the tough times. hugs
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