Those looks

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Drekono, May 16, 2010.

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  1. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    I recently started working with my father doing construction work. My father has been working for this company for 30 years and my grandfather started the company with the owner. My father is site foreman and basically in charge on the site. So i get a certain amount of "respect" from everyone else just because of that. I try my hardest to pull my own wait and do more then what is expected of me. I like my job and from what im told i do it well. Well enough they let me go off on my own and have at it. Which is perfect since my social anxiety is so bad i cant stand working with other people anyways. Spring is here and summer is coming, I HATE SUMMER btw, and i wont be able to always wear long sleeve shirts, especially with such a labor intensive job. I get massive migraines and heat stroke very easily, so long sleeves in the summer wont help that. I have scars that are many years old to ones that are just months or weeks old. Some so large they needed stiches and some that should of had stitches but i didnt want to tell anyone so they healed as these huge leaf like scars. There are thousands of them and not a single bare spot on my left arm. My left thigh and left chest are covered also but at least those are easy to hide. Ive already had to wear t shirts a few times and every time its such a nerve wrecking experiance i drive myself crazy. Nobody will say anything outright, probably because my dad is their boss, but i catch them looking at them when they think im not looking. I am extremely shy and nervous with my social anxiety so i barely talk to any of them. But i almost wish they would just come out and say something or insult me or anything so i can flip out on them. Well i feel like i want to flip out at them and get in a fight or something but i doubt i ever actually would. I just feel like those looks are worse then anything they could say because my mind is coming up with what i think they are thinking about. And my mind tends to make things ALOT worse.
    Anyone else have similar experiances ? Or could someone just tell me im being paranoid. I know i shouldnt care what people think but that is literally as close to impossible as it gets for me.
  2. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    Oh yea and they all know i dropped out of college.... twice.... but they dont know why. I cant help but think the massive amount of scars on my body is a dead give away.....
  3. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hey Drekono. I think quite a lot of us are going to be in a similar position over the summer. I'm extremely lucky that I have managed to avoid cutting my arms for a few months, so they don't look too bad now (bio-oil really helped) but there is absolutely no way I can get my legs out this summer.

    However, I have had people notice my cuts and scars in the past, and like your colleagues, they didn't have the guts to say anything, although I don't blame them - would you?! But recently I mentioned that I self-harm to a friend, who had had no idea, and when I pointed out the scars on my arms she said she'd never noticed! I don't think she was just being nice, as she had no reason to lie, so now I wonder if we don't imagine our scars to be worse than they are. I also have trichotillomania (I pull my own hair out), so I have a noticeable permanent bald patch, which no-one has mentioned, so again, I don't think people see things as badly as we do.

    I can't really tell you that you're being paranoid, as I don't know how bad or noticeable your scars are, but try to look at yourself objectively as though you are someone else (apparently, putting a paper bag (loosely!) over your head really helps you see your body as though it's not your own) and see if you would a) notice the scars, and b) know that they're from self-harm, because although it's obvious to us, other people don't immediately jump to that conclusion unless they do it themselves.

    Anyway, I hope I've been of some help and reassured you at least a little bit. And I'm sorry if I haven't!

  4. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    Ty for the reply Mim. I guess i really dont know how noticeable they are to someone else, but to me they look completely obvious. There isnt a single spot on my arm that isnt covered. There are burn scars all over and words mixed in. Someone from a different company on the site mentioned it to me once (not in a nice way). I was already in a bad mood so I told him "Got it caught in a meat grinder" then walked away. He called me "razor" anytime he saw me after that. Not really sure if those looks are worse then someone actually saying something but i guess it doesnt really matter because they both suck.

    I have tried some creams but they didnt do much. Some of the scars are about 2 cm wide i went so deep and they split so bad. Really should have gotten them stitched but oh well, Hindsight is 20-20.
  5. animebling

    animebling Well-Known Member

    I don't cut anymore and have scars from my wrist all the way up to my shoulder, some about as deep as your sound. After a while it just became to much of a hassle to care about covering them up and here's what I noticed.
    1) Most people don't care. People go to work to work not get into the personal aspects of co-workers lives. The only time someone will probably bring it up is to insult you or try and get a rise out of you.
    2) Most people will have the respect to not bring it up and assume either an accident or some other event. Not a lot of people seem to know about self harm like that.
    3) If people do bring it up don't get defensive about it. There will always be those who don't understand but if you talk about it like any other addiction or problem a lot of people will be able to relate with their own strugles. Especially on a construction site were lots of these guys have strugged with drugs, alcohol or other problems before. Also I found that almost all of the people who bring it up have either self harmed themselves or have family/friends that did.

    Something else to keep in mind that since your the bosses son guys won't like for no reason and it's not your fault. Also "razor" it a totally bitching nickname and if you deciede to not wear long sleeves anymore I would try and play off of that. Guys tend to have more respect or other guys who can joke about their own faults and they won't tease you about it if it doesn't seem to bother you.

    I know some of that advice can seem impossible to do with social anxiety since even I have a hard time following it sometimes but for the most part it works. Just bust your ass at work and at least some people will respect you.
  6. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    Ty for the advice, ill try to keep that in mind next time im forced to wear a tshirt :smile:
  7. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with animebling that the best thing to do is work your ass off (so at least no-one could complain about your work) and try your hardest to almost act proud of your scars. People really don't jump to the self-harm conclusion, so if you almost show them off they will think you've either been in an accident or they're 'battle scars'; in either case they're unlikely to bring them up.

    I saw someone else here deals with nasty comments about their scars by saying 'yeah, well let's see you take a razor to yourself then, you pussy'. Obviously you have to be careful who you say this to in case they actually did it, but it does serve to point out that you've got guts!
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