Those of you who knew someone who committed suicide, and also feel suicidal, yourself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by What, Aug 25, 2015.

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  1. What

    What Active Member

    This post is not about guilt tripping people with suicidal ideation, I have it, too, a lot, and it's not about wanting to hurt other people. But I'm wondering how those of you who lost someone to suicide, like how does it affect your own suicidal ideation? If it does at all.

    I struggle with suidical ideation more often than not, sometimes heavy suicidal feelings in addition to the thoughts. My first boyfriend had major depression and committed suicide when I was 20. It's 7 years later and I still feel that his suicide affects my own suicidal ideation. I have bipolar disorder and a history of child abuse, so I don't at all believe that his suicide caused my own problems. I think it's very obvious that I would struggle with this regardless.

    But when he died, I could never imagine that he was actually gone. Like I can't really imagine that his spirit just doesn't exist anymore. And he wasn't a bad person at all, so I can't imagine that something bad happened to him after his death unless the universe is a really messed up thing. Even to this day all these years later, I feel like somewhere, in some form, he still exists. Maybe it's just how I coped, but I can't help but imagine that he went on to a better existence somehow and that he is okay.

    But that also gives me a feeling like suicide isn't that bad or scary, because someone I knew and loved has gone before me. I feel like he is somewhere, and I would go there, too. For a long time I felt like I could somehow follow him. I didn't go to his funeral or ever visit his grave, because I felt like it was just his body, and he wouldn't actually be there. I didn't like the idea of his spirit being tied to somewhere as dreary as a graveyard.

    Sometimes when I am contemplating suicide, I feel like he is close to me somehow. It's somehow comforting.

    And on the complete other end of the spectrum, I wonder if he hates me, if he is angry with me, if he blamed me. In some ways I doubt he would be waiting for me in a friendly manner. Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't chase him into death and try to make things right with him somehow. So I wind up feeling comforted, scared and guilty all at the same time, it's a very confusing and overwhelming feeling.

    I've been having these thoughts and feelings lately because the Autumn weather has arrived where I live, and Autumn always reminds me of him very much. I feel disassociated a lot and lost in vague memories, every time I go outside. My Wiccan friend believes that the veil between the spirit world and the tangible world is thinnest in the fall, and that I might just be sensing him. I don't really have any religious beliefs, myself, but it feels that way.

    Do you ever wonder about someone who committed suicide? Does it impact your own suicidal ideation/feelings at all? Just wondering if anyone else struggles with this sort of thing.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Those of you who knew someone who committed suicide, and also feel suicidal, your

    Hi i read your post and yes i struggle more when it comes to the date my brother left me. I sometimes would like to beleive he is in a better place but i dont' know
    i too want to follow him but know that if i do i would only cause the same pain he did when he left I don't want to cause others pain or question if they could have help me i don't want people blaming themselves for my departure
     
  3. What

    What Active Member

    Re: Those of you who knew someone who committed suicide, and also feel suicidal, your

    Yes I agree with you, but I still get these feelings every year. Like my rational mind struggles against it, but the struggle is still there.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Re: Those of you who knew someone who committed suicide, and also feel suicidal, your

    I never known anyone who suffered accept a lady who had a failed suicide attempt. I feel like it everyday but like I have said in the past there is a purpose to living. I cry all the time about I became and so down that I beat myself to continue to live life.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Those of you who knew someone who committed suicide, and also feel suicidal, your

    yes the struggle is always there for me as well and at time when i get close so close to wanting it all to end i have to grab on to something and the memory of the pain i felt when he left that is what stops me for going through with it.
     
  6. What

    What Active Member

    Re: Those of you who knew someone who committed suicide, and also feel suicidal, your

    I guess I never felt that pain. I couldn't really feel anything. It happened while he was overseas. His friends found out first through his family, and they stopped at the house to find me, but I wasn't home. My mother was home, so they told her. And when my mother told me, she hadn't been speaking to me for a while, was giving me the silent treatment, and she let me know that the only reason she was telling me was because she promised his friends that she would. And then she just stood there, smirking at me, like she was waiting for me to cry. But I couldn't feel anything, it was like I was just emotionally dead, completely. I couldn't say anything or feel anything. And when she saw that I was unresponsive, she just walked away, and then so did I. I never got in touch with his friends. I just isolated and felt nothing for months. And then it was like it never happened. Eventually years later I talked about it with a therapist, and I finally was able to cry, but then I couldn't stop. Once it started I couldn't stop it, and I almost killed myself. And now it's just always sort of there, it's just a sadness that never goes away. But it gets really bad in the fall.
     
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