This post is not about guilt tripping people with suicidal ideation, I have it, too, a lot, and it's not about wanting to hurt other people. But I'm wondering how those of you who lost someone to suicide, like how does it affect your own suicidal ideation? If it does at all. I struggle with suidical ideation more often than not, sometimes heavy suicidal feelings in addition to the thoughts. My first boyfriend had major depression and committed suicide when I was 20. It's 7 years later and I still feel that his suicide affects my own suicidal ideation. I have bipolar disorder and a history of child abuse, so I don't at all believe that his suicide caused my own problems. I think it's very obvious that I would struggle with this regardless. But when he died, I could never imagine that he was actually gone. Like I can't really imagine that his spirit just doesn't exist anymore. And he wasn't a bad person at all, so I can't imagine that something bad happened to him after his death unless the universe is a really messed up thing. Even to this day all these years later, I feel like somewhere, in some form, he still exists. Maybe it's just how I coped, but I can't help but imagine that he went on to a better existence somehow and that he is okay. But that also gives me a feeling like suicide isn't that bad or scary, because someone I knew and loved has gone before me. I feel like he is somewhere, and I would go there, too. For a long time I felt like I could somehow follow him. I didn't go to his funeral or ever visit his grave, because I felt like it was just his body, and he wouldn't actually be there. I didn't like the idea of his spirit being tied to somewhere as dreary as a graveyard. Sometimes when I am contemplating suicide, I feel like he is close to me somehow. It's somehow comforting. And on the complete other end of the spectrum, I wonder if he hates me, if he is angry with me, if he blamed me. In some ways I doubt he would be waiting for me in a friendly manner. Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't chase him into death and try to make things right with him somehow. So I wind up feeling comforted, scared and guilty all at the same time, it's a very confusing and overwhelming feeling. I've been having these thoughts and feelings lately because the Autumn weather has arrived where I live, and Autumn always reminds me of him very much. I feel disassociated a lot and lost in vague memories, every time I go outside. My Wiccan friend believes that the veil between the spirit world and the tangible world is thinnest in the fall, and that I might just be sensing him. I don't really have any religious beliefs, myself, but it feels that way. Do you ever wonder about someone who committed suicide? Does it impact your own suicidal ideation/feelings at all? Just wondering if anyone else struggles with this sort of thing.