So I'm doing well. Its wednesday now, and I have 32 paracetemol. Joe is still here (my partner) but he leaves on friday. Sometimes the weirdest thoughts enter my head.. I just dont understand them... on Saturday the new and last harry potter book comes out... Ive found myself wondering if i should postpone my death til sunday night so I can find out what happens. On one hand this seems really trivial to me, and makes me feel stupid and FAKE. But on the other hand I think of it like, well when I die, which I will, because it will work this time, Id not get another chance to find out the endign to the story would i ? Is that really fucking stupid? It feels it. I dont know. Anyway. Joe leaves Friday morning. So whatever the way I wont see August.. Its Joe & I's 10 month anniversary tomorrow, I might try and go outside for it, maybe to dinner.. that makes me feel sick.. but I should make an effort.. itll be our last anniversary together, our last special occasion that we can share... Ive started to make preparations, listing the songs I want played at my funeral, started thinking about things that need to be done, parcels Ive not posted yet that I would want to be sent whether I was alive or not, Ive written the addresses on the unwrapped boxes, hopefully someone will have the good sense to post them. Im supposed to go see the new harry potter film today... but its 'orange wednesday' (in england buy one get one free on movie tickets on wednesday if your on the mobile phone tarriff orange). So there will be loads of people there... I cant face it. My bus leaves in 4 minutes and my mom and grandad and boyfriend are all expecting me (and joe) to go.. but I cant.. Im just sat here, waiting for time to run out, so its too late.. I just cant go out, I dont even wanna leave my bed, Im in so much pain, I want to hide.. Joe & I keep fighting, Im so grouchy.. the truth is im frightened... and annoyed that hes here, because it means I have to suffer through more days. obviously there are nice bits, hes an angel, he makes me laugh sometimes, sometimes he makes me feel safe for a while.. I thought I loved Joe, but I obviously dont, or at least not enough. As I dont have the strength to keep fighting, to live through more days of this torturous life just for his sake. Please do not reply with the following: - God. I have my own beliefs and reasons and God / religion has no affect on my decision - Laura. My deceased sister and her 'wanting me to live'. Again, Ive been suicidal for long enough to have thought through this, and I have made my peace with her about my decision. - Get some help. I have tried, for 5 years, pestering doctors, going through psychiatric assesment after psychiatric assesment, they all just say 'your not critical enough for our help'. I even asked to be sectioned a few weeks ago when things got really really bad, and they said no and wouldnt even meet me. - Its not forever. Ive been depressed for 13 years now, Im fucking tired, and as the motion city soundtrack song says "I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end. But I choose to abuse for the time being. Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die." I dont believe thart I can overcome this, somedays I have hope, and I do things like bother going to the assesments, but either way, its not enough. I refuse to live in torture, I tried my best to help people, devoted my life and time to loving and caring... I hope that I have even helped some people here. But I cannot go on. I dont really know why Im posting... I guess I still want support, I want reassurance that my decision isnt evil, that people will forgive me... though some wont.. I am sorry... especially to those few I grew close to lately... I am sorry.