well where to start, I was a heroin addict for six years, after numerous treatments with rehab and suboxone I finally kicked that habit, at this time I'm 22, so now I'm pretty behind with schooling so I decide to go to college, There I meet some great people but they all were drunks so I become an alcoholic, somehow I graduate, with a 2.2 btw which sucks, so now I'm an alcoholic with a college degree trying to find a job, the job hunt is going miserable so I figured I need to boost my resume to stand out to employers so I join the fire department, after about 5 months of training I'm officially an EMT and have been for about 5 months, still no luck finding a nice job, actually working at a mall which makes me feel miserable about myself, anywho this brings us up to today, I've kicked all habits, drugs and alcohol but now am addicted to fitness, I'm fine with that trying to get as big as possible ya know, but I thought helping people would making these depressive and suicidal tendencies go away, instead I've realized that being an EMT is making it worse, it's stressing me out, I've seen 3 dead people in the last week, had to do compressions on 2, breaking ribs and all that stuff and I can't get these images out of my head, I tell myself if I find a nice job I won't feel this way but that's probably wishful thinking, I feel like I need to go see a doctor but my crappy job has no benefits so I can't afford it..I know I'm in a better situation than many, I know that because I do see death and I do see sickness a lot, we're all in this together but I do feel like suicide is not something selfish to do, but I just wanted to sort of tell my story, hope you're all doing well