Thought helping people would make me feel better

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jazzsnazz, Feb 1, 2016.

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  1. jazzsnazz

    jazzsnazz Member

    well where to start, I was a heroin addict for six years, after numerous treatments with rehab and suboxone I finally kicked that habit, at this time I'm 22, so now I'm pretty behind with schooling so I decide to go to college, There I meet some great people but they all were drunks so I become an alcoholic, somehow I graduate, with a 2.2 btw which sucks, so now I'm an alcoholic with a college degree trying to find a job, the job hunt is going miserable so I figured I need to boost my resume to stand out to employers so I join the fire department, after about 5 months of training I'm officially an EMT and have been for about 5 months, still no luck finding a nice job, actually working at a mall which makes me feel miserable about myself, anywho this brings us up to today, I've kicked all habits, drugs and alcohol but now am addicted to fitness, I'm fine with that trying to get as big as possible ya know, but I thought helping people would making these depressive and suicidal tendencies go away, instead I've realized that being an EMT is making it worse, it's stressing me out, I've seen 3 dead people in the last week, had to do compressions on 2, breaking ribs and all that stuff and I can't get these images out of my head, I tell myself if I find a nice job I won't feel this way but that's probably wishful thinking, I feel like I need to go see a doctor but my crappy job has no benefits so I can't afford it..I know I'm in a better situation than many, I know that because I do see death and I do see sickness a lot, we're all in this together but I do feel like suicide is not something selfish to do, but I just wanted to sort of tell my story, hope you're all doing well
     
  2. normaljoe

    normaljoe Well-Known Member

    You have accomplished so much, for just one second, step back and congratulate yourself. You deserve it. You arent seeing it though. Your resiliency is inspiring to say the least. Learn what you can and can not control. Apply for better jobs, follow up with a phone call, revise and edit ur resume rinse and repeat. You are doing everything you can and it will work it just needs time. Be safe please and thank you for being an emt, im sure you dont hear that a lot but for real ...thank you.
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to SF,

    You have certainly overcome a lot, you've beat several addictions and now you're an EMT, You should be congratulating yourself, that is my dream job. I'm sure it takes a toll on you too, seeing people in great distress and obviously seeing dead people. I hope you continue with that line of work, it must be very rewarding. Keep talking to us here, we will hear you out and you can depend on us in your time of need. I hope things get better for you and you can look forward to the rest of your days <3
     
  4. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. It's great you're reaching out and you have accomplished a lot. Don't give up. I bet all this is hard. Are you seeing someone for the depression? Stay strong. We're all here for you.
     
  5. jazzsnazz

    jazzsnazz Member

    Appreciate it man
     
  6. jazzsnazz

    jazzsnazz Member

    Thanks I'll try to post more, I just looked at my profile and I've had this account since 2010 so these feelings aren't new
     
  7. jazzsnazz

    jazzsnazz Member

    No not yet, I'm also scared to tell people at the fire department my feelings because if your mental health isn't thete, they can kick you out
     
  8. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    So sorry this is difficult. We are here for you. Please don't give up. Stay strong. We're always here if you want to talk. Message me anytime. Hugs
     
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