Thought I did the right things...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 26, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm still at my mum's place... which is a bad place for me to be... but sometimes you have to certain things... tomorrow we're going to an intimate family lunch... well, just the 4 of us in my closest family.

    I did a lot of things to navigate through the day... My aunt came to visit as my mother was cooking pancakes... my aunt is constantly negative about anything and anyone while she just sits on her bum... and won't listen when mum tells her not to chase the dog around the house... he's getting old... and she overfeeds the cats, and one of them has digestive problems... I guess she means well... but yea.

    I did things to avoid arguments from happening... small things like me going to get her coat from my mum's bedroom... the cats are not allowed in there, but my aunt never remembers to close the door behind her. When my aunt was complaining about stuff I found the silver lining...

    And I took the dog for a walk, for my own sake too... I needed air, and I guess sunshine is healthy for you. Both physically and mentally.

    The dog loves to go to the field next to mum's house... there's a road there and he's allowed to run on the field without a leash. (technically legally you're not allowed to let a dog loose on public ground though) But no one ever comes there... well almost never.

    Walking back home the school where I was severely bullied for 8 years and sexually abused was in full view... If you wanted to take a promotional picture of that school you would do that from the top of that field... I gulped. But I got a bright idea... I sat myself down on the side of the road, called the dog over; had music in one ear and calmed myself as much as I could and forced myself to look at the buildings... Technically it's just bricks and mortar now... but I need to get over my mortal fear. I get so sick when I get too close and that's not fair I have to be 26 and be so dead afraid of a school I left when I was 14.

    But suddenly the dog ran away from me... and what was actually a sort of good moment became one of stress. Two women had found the road and decided to walk it with their tiny dog... I can't blame them, it's a pretty walk... Micky, my mum's dog ran from me towards them. He LOVES people... he thinks they all love him. He hadn't noticed the dog... I walked after him... I can't run because of my spine and hip and tried to command him to stop. He did but just as I was about to click the leash on him he ran again... he actually reached the women and I managed to call out to them that he's not dangerous...
    One lady took their dog in her arms and the other one caught Micky. Luckily he was wearing a brace so he was easy to grab and was just wagging his tail. I told them I was so sorry and they took it pretty well.

    It just undid what I tried to do...

    I don't know... I feel a bit weird tonight. Thinking back I am realizing I did all the wrong things.
    I was one again avoiding by changing my aunts subjects, helping my mum extra in the kitchen so my mum would get less frustrated about my aunt... I stepped right back into my old role...

    I was told to focus on doing things I like, things that make me happy... not what other people expect of me. Or even what I assume that they expect. The therapist I talked to at the psych ER a week ago told me that. As things are right now, with me starting therapy and opening up so many bottled things and so much abuse; the last thing I need is to fulfill others expectations... I need to be kind to me. And I undid all that today.

    I have to admit it feels a bit weird... but in a way it makes sense. I just feel like I'm supposed to be a 'good girl' and get a job and work hard... my mum told me they were seeking a medical secretary at an ear doctor in this town. I told her I'd look at it.
    I won't though... I know I can't work now... I wish I could, but I can't... and this entire town feels like a trigger. I am always scared I'll meet someone who used to bully me. I still have my dentist here, one of the assistants is one of those girls.

    Ear doctors are another trigger for me... I had a really nice ear doctor as a kid... I have always had really bad ears and have had so many infections and had to have operations to drain fluids... today I am almost deaf on one ear and partially deaf on the other... Under one of the sessions with the ear doctor when I was around 10 he drained my ears with a very noisy apparatus and by accident ruptured my eardrum. After that I felt actual dread having to go there... I even threw up before sessions... During one session mum managed to drag me to I was covering my ears and screamed "don't touch me!!"
    And we stopped coming... I went to an ear doctor a few years ago... as a grown woman and I felt just as sick. I had told the ear doctor about my fears and she was really nice about it. And it turns out my hearing was a lot better than I knew.
    So uhm... yeah... don't really think I'll work at such a place.

    It does feel weird to focus on me rather than finding work (to be perfectly honest I would rather live off of writing or something similar from home rather than having to work). I just don't think I'm cut out for a job. But who knows who I'll be when I've been helped?

    So... I am supposed to fill my life with things I like to do... luckily filming of my favourite TV show is starting very, very soon and I'll be following that daily online... that always gives me a rush. I spend my days talking to my LDR boyfriend, I try to do things like draw and I hope to get back to crocheting and maybe even painting! I am tempted to when I feel better and see what it takes to get into an acting school as well. I took all the acting classes I could in school... it gave me a great chance to be someone else; and it helped me with my stutter brought on by bullying.

    I just... yeah... it takes times to get used to the idea that it's okay to do things that makes me happy, and not what others expect. I lived my entire life trying to be a good girl... hoping if I was someone might like me... or at least not hit me.
    Jenumbra likes this.
  2. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Dont be to hard on yourself lady, it takes a awhile to learn new ways to behave when you have been so use to once way since being a child. As hard as it is i think you should be proud you recognised that it wasn't the right thing to do even that can be hard so props to you, you wonderful human.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sending you hugs and HUGE congratulations for the good things you did for YOU! Sometimes things we do have some upsetting or unforeseen snags - the thing is, it's so wonderful that you were taking care of YOU!

    The bit with the dog - I cannot imagine there was a better way to handle that. Well done!
    Your aunt with the compulsive need to nit pick - you escaped for a while. :) Well done!
    Your mom offered a job idea - you essentially said "I'll consider it/look into it". Well done!

    Btw, very courageous to takes steps to put the school and bullying firmly in the past. One thing you could consider: you did go there in the here and now, and NO BULLYING occurred this time. That might reinforce that you can face hard places and people. *hug*

    The things YOU decided would be good for YOU are the things you accomplished, without compromising being pleasant to others. You were self-caring and assertive. All good! :) Congratulations!
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2016
    ThePhantomLady likes this.