Thought i had it fixed........

[Wayne]

I registered here quite some time ago and made a post....found a friend......felt better then left.........

Seemed to me that all i needed was some nice words, i felt silly for even reaching out here.......so many people who have REAL problems and i take up time and all i needed was attention!..........so i left.......
Well you all know where this is going, nothing changed and now its actually worse, i put off revisiting here not sure i wanted to call for help if i didn't need it.........but now ahhh hell my thoughts are scaring me again........as i sit here and type i can feel myself wanting to chuckle at my stupidity and sign off....you see i feel quite alright...(unlike a minute ago when i signed on)............but i also know that later, alone in the dark my self loathing will kick off and the idea of leaving will not only seem a warped comfort but a neccesity..........
How do you forgive yourself when you truly feel that you dont deserve forgiveness?

I care little about anything most of the time.........including this site and myself........but i also remember how i felt for just a brief time because of the people at this site, i want that again i want to be understood.......but then i want to rage and burn the world as well......my temper has again caused me issues........i lost my part time cash in hand job, and centerlink (welfare) is going to cut me off.........as i have not been nice with them (or anybody lately for that matter) when this happens i will booted out of the place i stay............no money, no nothing it seems.
I barely eat, which is ok as i have picked up my drug habits again (believe me having no money stops a lot of things but i can always get drugs)
i actually have an interview for a job again tommorrow but i am allready worried that they will see what i am and give me the polite 'we will call you'
I wouldn't blame them if they did.
ahhhh rambling sam i am...................so lifes been hell i am kinda tired of hoping tommorrow will be better...............I am tired of fighting a battle that i am not sure i want to win.
I want attention............i think we all do, my problem is ...............yeah exactly i havn't a clue.

I used to have my family (my girl and my dog) now she hates me and my dog was killed..........i want off the drugs........i want off this insanity ride.
I want to go home............BUT i do not want to die................i dont want it....but it seems to want me.

I reread this and i am not happy with it....i want to say so much more but its in my head and when i try to push it out.......i just get this.....
anyway welcome back to me.

 

[Allo..]

Yeah, welcome back. Id love to talk to you, help you if i can, if you have MSN add me, [email protected], and if you dont please PM me, sorry i cant right now im about to start class. Please take care and i hope to talk to you soon, ALly x

 

[Sadeyes]

hi W...we are still here and you are still important to us...you asked a question, in somewhat a rhetorical way, but I was inspired to suggest something...we begin to forgive ourselves by understanding why we did what we did and by knowing that if conditions differed, we would not have done it...I cannot say I am good at this, but I have started on this road, and it does make a different in the quality of life...welcome back, and know we do care that you are here...big hugs

 

[Wayne]

Thankyou..........i agree that understanding is the key.............one of my fears is the problem that the key to understanding is to go over the issue again...................does that make sense......

The kind words in these to posts are simple and yet i still find great emotion welling up inside me as i read them.............indication of how low
i am i guess.......

also i fear that sometimes i just want somebody....anybody to tell me i am ok and my actions are ok.............which would be a cop out......i find i have great difficultys trusting my own motivations............i question and double guess myself all the time......