Well, I'm back here again after a few months of feeling okay. I really don't feel worthy of a life right now. I just want to die. Everything is a mess and I just can't seem to keep my act together. I've been chatting with an ex gf from a long time ago and I'm developing feelings for her once again. I thought we were just buddies, but last weekend it became apparent that I wanted more. She's in love with another guy, who's an abusive jerk. She'd been broken up with him for almost a year and trying to move on because she knows he's bad news. Last weekend she was saying that she was sexually frustrated and that she wanted to screw him. I wanted to be the one that she wanted to screw. So I went about getting laid from an old sex buddy on the weekend. The whole time I was thinking of my ex that's so obviously not into me. Even after two long sex sessions with my sex buddy I wasn't satisfied at all. I wanted to be with my ex. Last night she screwed the abusive jerk again. I feel hurt and really undesirable because she knows that I want her. I've got my dignity so I can't let her know how I'm feeling right now. I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy for feeling this way about her seeing as we haven't been an item in years. On top of this, everything else in my life is fucked. I can't think of anything good that I've got going for me. I think the past few months I've been able to carry on because I was holding onto hope that I'd get back with my ex. She's really the only girl that I loved fully and loved me back, but that's never going to be again. I know I just sound like some lovesick idiot, but there's so many other fucking problems. I can't seem to hold it together. This girl was just something that gave me enough hope to hang on and the realization that my hope was false is just too much. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of hating myself so much. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the drama I create. I'm just plain tired of it all.