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Thought it would be time to post again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Dec 6, 2010.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    i'm trying a new outlet, i've been going on walks and writing 5+ pages of journalling every day but i've decided to tell a few people my journal thoughts instead of keeping them to myself and wondering? I got kissed the other day lol but i felt terrible about it like i didn't tell her to stop or anything coz a cute girl kissed me obviously i'm not gonna say no. and i'm not dating anyone. I've come to the conclusion with the help of my friend that i just feel bad because of the potential i have for dating a different girl. I love being with her, and i feel so weird around her but i feel weirder around someone else that doesn't even live here >.< but i'm trying so ridiculously hard to just pretend we just have a distant sister relationship. So back to this other girl, she's so sweet, and she listens to me and she holds me and wipes my tears away and she's so nice and wonderful and i'm starting to really like her and she's asked me out but i don't think i'm in any kind of emotional state ready for a relationship. I can play around and flirt coz i've always been pretty good at that lol but i can't be in a committed relationship until i find myself. That's going to take a lot of soul searching. But i think my journals have been helping keep my emotions in check for the most part. I've sincerely narrowed down my bad thoughts of si or suicide. So that's good. I mean they're still there of course but not as bad as they have been, and now i'm not telling anyone about them. I don't know if htat's helping me or hurting me, but i think it's helping the people around me. No one wants to be around a paranoid depressed little girl >.< My art has really been kicked up a notch i'm really getting emotionally attatched to what i decide to create as my next piece of artwork. the only thing i really have to work on now in school is my academics. I've majorly fallen behind in that respect. But i am working on slowly. And hopefully i'll be able to bring it up and be able to have a good college resume and i'll get into my favorite art school. I can't wait for that. I just wanna be able to be me. And so far, i've found i can definitely do that with my writing and with art. I'm hoping to keep this in check but i'll still ocassionally have my breakdown. I thought so much yesterday about just ending everything, I went to the place i last saw my ex and it was like movies playing in my head about everything. It was ridiculous. I sat down on the floor of the shop and just stared at everything trying my damnest to think that it was a good experience then and i shouldn't cry over it now. So yeah, i'm not perfect, but i do think i am at least doing a little better. A lot better than i was when i was with my ex. So, i guess that's the important factor. And i'm assuming now that this post is relatively long so i will continue writing with my friends pen and paper lol
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Keep ya chin up chuck, ya know where i am if you need me :hug: