Hi everyone... I had a really bad experience over New Years and been feeling guilty, scared, and upset by it. Thought telling a friend would help, but I can't think of any friends I can tell that wouldn't be seriously freaked out. So I joined just so I can throw my concern/story into cyber space. Get it off my chest and get feed back without scaring and getting judged by family/friends. This is my story in a nutshell... I've been through a lot and done a lot to myself... Self harm, bulimia, anorexia, overdose, been sexually assaulted, done dangerous things and not cared if I killed myself in the process (not a real attempt, just a basic disregard for my own life). My little brother was killed in an accident 3 years ago... he meant so much to me and while I lost him, I also lost my faith. I know there may be a lot of religious people on this forum, but I truly believe there is no god. Anyways in general, most of the time I'm not depressed or suicidal, but when I drink... sometimes I hit rock bottom and most of the stuff mentioned above is triggered by my drinking. So New Years I was in a different country, meeting up with amazing people I used to work with, and it was going to be a great reunion fun party huge city wide street party. It was great in the beginning and I thought I had my drinking under control. I didn't though... every chance I got I was taking swigs of vodka and at one point I guess I downed almost a full pop bottle of vodka. I blacked out... which isn't uncommon for me. A friend and I got separated from the group when we went to a paramedic to look at my hand (fell, cut myself pretty bad). After that she said I would go from being hysterical and crying, demanding I go home (remember I was in another country, really hard to go home) and telling her I wanted to kill myself. Then the next second I'd be laughing or trying to fight her. I do remember bits and pieces of this. I do remember wanting to die and it's not the first time I've felt like that. I kept trying to run away from her and I would run into the street and yeah not good. Anyways that's my story. I ruined my New Years and my friends and once again tried to hurt myself while drunk. Just wanted to get this off my chest.