I honestly think I am over his death, I am still pissed but I am ok with it for the most part. My biggest problem comes from my Mom. I feel like she has manufactured this identity for me. I feel like I cannot be happy unless I am "perfect". I have to do better than everyone else, or else I hate myself. I got a 90% on an exam and I panicked. I totally freaked out because I counted the people who did better than me and there 6 people in the lecture. I was so upset. I feel like I cannot be happy unless I am better than everyone else. Its stupid. When I was little I used to dance in this company. It was alot of hard work, but I liked it (most of the time). My mother, however, would always make me feel like shit. If I didn't get a lead part or if I wasn't front and center I felt worthless. When I was 8 she used to call me fat, thats when I started throwing up (before I knew it was bad). I look at my pictures from back then and I see how thin I was, I don't understand how she could call me that. I felt like I was born just to make her happy. I correlate her happiness with my own, since when I was younger if she was upset I was beat. I had a little sister who was never even spanked, I don't understand it. I know my Mom used to be depressed and suicidal but it just seemed like she took it all out on me. I could always tell when she went off her meds, and when I said something about it she would accuse me of calling her crazy and would beat me. I locked myself in the bathroom so many times because of her. She used to go to church with this guy, and she would drag me along. She would hug him and cry if he didn't pay much attention. She was and is married to my father so I hated it. I was always so pissed off at her, my Dad is a great guy. She told me she had an emotional affair with him (now she is over it) and to this day I hate him. She still goes to church with him.
I feel like I am unloading all of this shit, but I at least know that I don't actually have to face anyone here. My friends seem to somehow know I am screwed up, but I don't think they know the extent. They never will, I hate to appear to be vunerable. I am not ready to leave this competition. I want to be a success before I die. I need to meet all of my goals before I off myself, that will take a long time and by then I might not even feel this way anymore.
