Thoughts are getting worse....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by damaged4ever, Dec 27, 2011.

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  1. damaged4ever

    damaged4ever Member

    The thoughts are getting worse. All I keep thinking about is what I almost did a week ago. I was supposed to move down south to be with my friends. To start a new life with people who cared about me instead of making me feel miserable. Instead all my friend wanted me for was a play toy. He lied to me and I trusted him. I got as far away from his place as possible. I had no money and hardly any gas to get back home. I finally had to stop for the night since I only had enough gas to get to a gas station. I slept at a rest area for the night and hopes of finding so nice people to help me get home. Waking up the next morning I felt worse then I did the night before. I didn't even bother asking anyone. I just went about my business. First I wanted to cut but chickened out since I hate pain then the thought of pills came into my head. I had everything planned out. I would wait till dark and take every pill I had in my possession. I would then wash them down with nyquil and just go to sleep. No one cared about me so I didn't either.

    Not focusing on people around me like I should have there was this guy who was watching me and what I was doing. If only I closed my moon roof so he couldn't see in I wouldn't be here right now. I would be with my grandma, who is the only one in my family who truly loved me. Why was I so stupid to leave my moon roof open? Why did that guy have to come talk to me? Why did I have to listen to him? Why did I accept the money so I could go home? Why didn't I just lie and say I was ok?

    I really hate myself right now. :mad:

    I don't even know why I posted this sorry. Please just delete.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    So now you see there are good people caring people hun so please you are now home you get the help you need to get stable and strong again okay Your grandma she would only want you well and happy not with her but with your family hun do that for her get well.
     
  3. magentapink13

    magentapink13 Member

    Hi Kathy. I was drawn to your post and have to tell you it sounds so much like journal entries I made when I was a teen. I feel for you. Today is my first day here after I found myself in a bad place last night. I can tell you that even when you have people in your life who care about you - even a man as I always wanted and now have - you can still be in a bad place and think about leaving this world. I used to beg God to give me a good friend and a good guy who could be my friend and kinda father figure, too. Well, God has been so good to me. I have what I've always wanted. Irony is he is so likable to everyone he meets, to everyone I meet and meets him - I'm jealous of him and want people to notice ME. And I hate myself for not being the kind of person people want to know. I guess what I'm saying is that I know how much you crave - and fear - the attention of a man. I believe my husband loves me, the real me - but I fear he secretly wishes I was more like this woman or that woman. I figure he would do better with a woman who is energetic (not me), charismatic (def not me) and not needy. I need to find out who I am. I hope you will find rest in the kind of friends who can help strengthen you as you find out who you are. I don't feel the pressure to be someone I'm not anymore - this is the good thing. Do you feel this way? That you have to be more like other people so you will be accepted? If so, know there will come a time when you don't feel this way anymore. The sad thing to me is that often people who don't know you and have no religious 'chains' are the most compassionate ones. It should be the other way around. It looks like there are a lot of good people here. I don't know if my response will help you in any way but at least it might make you feel less alone. hugs to you - Sarah
     
  4. Sent

    Sent Banned Member

    im goiung with the thoughts today

    no point im just tired of fighitng all the negative thoughts and feelings

    im dying today
     
  5. damaged4ever

    damaged4ever Member

    Thanks everyone I just don't know if it's worth trying to find happiness anymore. Every time I think I have I get hurt either physically or verbally so why even bother trying. Idk why that guy was there that day or why he helped me but I really wish he didn't because I feel worse than I did last week.
     
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