I first started experiencing depression when I turned twelve..I would write diary entries about my sadness, and that I felt different from everyone else...I kind of fought through that depression (still had social anxiety/was quite introverted) through high school, but managed to be "popular" and party and all that. At times I would cut myself but not to the point of bleeding, I'd run into the woods and lay there crying, but I got all A+'s and on the outside you'd think I had a perfect life.. then...I got on birth control spring of my senior year..I went to Pitt my freshman year of college and I began having suicidal thoughts. I was far from home and in a long distance relationship where I was cheated on. I began to isolate myself from everyone, took medical leave and sought treatment. Got on depression meds and anxiety meds, began using maladaptive behaviors to handle my anxiety...I would have sex just to have sex, because I felt that I wasnt needed for anything but my body, i wasnt good for anything but my body, it was all I had to offer since the inside of me was broken. I began smoking weed everynight after work, I would drink to the point of being hospitalized from alcohol poisoning. Never was addicted--just did NOT know my limits and wanted to escape. Well....after playing around with some meds, escaping to my Aunt's for half a year to do some self-reflection, I finally felt stable again. I returned to school, Dean's Honors List 6 consecutive semesters, and found a boyfriend that made me feel whole, complete, happy, blissful, and worthy. I finally felt HEALTHY. Of course, I had occasional breakdowns, but I got to the point where I stopped needing talk therapy. It was like my mind was no longer trying to betray me and pull me into the darkness. THEN.....I went OFF birth control, my endocrinologist wanted to see my normal levels w/o birth control. After about a month, I felt happier than ever! No anxiety, nothing! Performed GREAT in school! I got my first period off birth control and had to take a week off of school/work because of how severe my cramps were. Had to go back ON birth control because I could not afford to be taking off school again. So now that I'm back on it, I've noticed my emotions spiraling, sadness returning as each day passes. It seems to be getting worse. I will cry for no reason at night, I have lost passion and interest. I can no longer laugh or smile. I just want to be in my bed asleep. I don't even have energy to shower or eat or see my boyfriend. My thoughts are loud again. They were muted for a while. Now they are SCREAMING at me to regress. It's scaring me. I have no friends, just a boyfriend with a full time job, wrestling coach on the side & doctorate student...He is so busy we only can see each other twice a week. Now everytime I see him I just turn away, I want to cry. When he tells me he loves me, I feel unworthy, I feel ugly, I can't understand how he can love me. I offer NOTHING. I want to go back to how I was!!!! Whats happening to me...I can't fall back into the depths of depression again .. I refuse. My mom never answers her phone and I have no one to vent to. Only leave the four walls of my bedroom to go to work and class. Feel like a zombie about to collapse. Help. Would I want to commit suicide? No...because my belief is that you have to deal with those unresolved emotions on the other side. You die broken, it won't fix anything. Do I want to be sent to a remote island with no societal pressures/obligations? YES. If I could just disappear, be alone in some far away place with NO people, no SOCIETY, just ME, and live there, that would be great. Maybe I should join a convent. WHere can I go to sleep all day? Sleep THIS STUPID LIFE AWAY. I wish I got into a coma for the next 50 years I really do. Whats the point of a live lived filled with STRESS AND DESPAIR? What am I bringing to the table other tha being a burden?