Thoughts are overpowering me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anna, Jul 23, 2007.

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  1. Anna

    Anna Active Member

    I just can't do this anymore. Nobody gives a flying f***, so why should I? New Dr. and the same old shit. Friends and family tell me to get a grip, think right and you'll start feeling better. What a bunch of BS. I'd give anything to feel better, why can't they understand that I do not choose to be this miserable? I can't change my past and I can't stop it from haunting me. As crazy as it may sound I pray I would get amnesia so I could not remember the pain. 40 years old now and I've been emotionally dead since I was 15. What's the point in staying? All I seem to do is upset my sister ( she's the only one in my family that knows what's been going on with me). I reach out and there's nothing there. Just more hurt and disappointment. Then the guilt for even opening up my mouth trying to get help. Why can't I just die already? A roommate who gets pissed at me for being depressed, and taking pills to help numb the emotional pain. A best friend who says she's just a phone call away, but she has her own mental problems and gets wasted on on her meds.
    I never thought my life would turn out this way, I guess it's my punishment for being a terrible person. Although I never have ever done anything bad to others. I always wanted to help people and just be loved. I guess some people are doomed from the start, and that's me. :sad:
    It's really sad when a Dr. won't even help me. I can't work because of my depression, panic attacks. I fear being around people, hardly leave my house, just can't take being in crowds and the noise.
    I wish I would just die and finally put an end to this pathetic existence.
    Having serious thoughts of doing something today. Take a drive crash into a building at about 100mph, or drive to the lake ( I can't swim).
    Why won't this pain stop? Why won't God set me free?
    Sorry to ramble on, this has been the only place where I can let out my feelings and not be judged. I really appreciate that. Don't know what I will do in the next couple of hours, hopefully I'll find some peace.

    Thanks for letting me get this out.
    Take care everyone.
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Sweety I'm here for you every step of the way,please don't go I know you're hurting I sent you a PM.:sad:
  3. Anna

    Anna Active Member

    Thanks Ace,
    Your words mean so much to me and I truly appreciate you being there for me. I just don't believe anymore that there's really any hope or that things will ever get better. I'm someone that never should of been born and there is only one option left. As much as I am afraid to die, I fear living this way even more. I want the pain to stop and I only see one way for that to happen.

    Love always,
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Anna,Please don't give up I know how you're feeling the guilt that comes with depression as well.I also know that word's on a computer screen fail really to have much meaning as being there in person,but I know the feeling's you're having and how brave you're to keep trying and that you have.

    I'm really sorry that you're feeling the way you're and I know how those feeling's bring you down and make you feel.I hope you really can keep trying I'm so sorry I can't do more for you.:sad:

    My email is if you have msn messenger and that goes for anyone and everyone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2007
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Anna you do not deserve to have the things happen to you that you did. You did nothing wrong. You have the thoughts and feelings of the typical victim. The abuser plants in our minds thinking errors that make us feel it is our fault and we somehow deserve to get what they are doing to us, but that is not the case. The guilt, the shame, all belong to the abuser. I am sorry you don't have a better support system at home. You do have one here. Rely on us. Ask questions, whatever it is you need to feel safe. We are here for you. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
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