Thoughts creeping in

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ShoegazeDaydream, May 21, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    There's some days where I'm actually feeling quite fine. I wake up and I feel happy and than there's days where I wake up and feel nothing but doom and gloom. I watched a lot of cartoons when I was little, I feel as if a cloud is above my head at all times and when I'm depressed there's a storm cloud floating above my head. When I talk I'm very depressed, negative and I just don't care about anything, I feel emotionally drained, tired, I get headaches at times and I barely feel like eating. Sometimes I have to push myself to do these things. It's so emotionally draining. Today it looks as if it's going to rain outside today and I'm in a bad mood and depressed.

    When I'm happy I feel optimistic, full of life, have a lot of energy, want to go out and have a good time, able to laugh and joke around. The only time I get upset when I am happy is if I'm triggered by something, if I feel ignored or if someone says something mean to me. There's times where certain people say certain things and I take it harshly and I've heard a lot of the time from friends that they won't walk on eggshells with me and how unfair it is. One night I started crying cause I felt as if they were trying to hurt me in some way. In the end they did ask why I was crying and showed me that they cared. I hate how sensitive I get sometimes. It's not all the time though. There's times where certain things do hurt my feelings and I don't know why. Maybe the way they say it upsets me in some way or reminds of me something. Lately I've been practicing on not jumping to conclusions. Instead of getting upset sometimes, I joke back with them or playfully hit them lightly and laugh. If I know they don't like that type of thing I'll make a face at them or something. It's been working so far and I see them laughing and there happy how I'm able to joke back now and how I'm not always uptight.

    There's those days though were the thoughts creep in and I feel like I'm just a burden to my friends and that I would be better off dead cause there's times where I get sensitive and I get so angry at myself. I hate how sensitive and emotional I can be. Believe all this line of thinking is due to my abuse that I've been through. My abuser made it out to make it look like I was weak or something. My friends love me and always are here for me which is great. I just want to be able to joke around with them, without always freaking out and jumping to conclusions thinking one stupid comment is out to try to hurt me. Today is a day where I feel as if I'm a burden on others and I could really need someone to talk to right now. Another thing I hate is how I say, "I'm sorry." I say sorry over literally everything. What am I even sorry for?? The more I think about this one. I remember how I used to say, "I'm sorry." constantly to my abuser. This could be the case of that and I could always try to break this habit which I'm going to try to break. Or I could be suffering from low self esteem or all of the above. Yet again this is a case of me being to harsh on myself. Ugh. I need to stop doing this to myself. I hope I don't sound like a negative person here.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    Just wanted you to know I read all of your post and I care about you. You're not a burden, if you were you wouldn't have those friends. Take pride in yourself and present yourself nicely, I know that takes a bit of effort but you can do it. Sorry to hear that you were abused, that's beyond horrible. I am also a very sensitive person but try and stick to your guns and take it one step at a time!

    undercoverlover likes this.
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