Thoughts i cant help

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lostnalone, Mar 29, 2013.

  1. lostnalone

    lostnalone New Member

    I’m just a girl, a girl looking for answers. Some say I am crazy, others not so much. But nobody, I mean nobody knows the real me. Some people get one side, others get the other, but nobody knows everything. It’s like my life has been edited, cut down to a two hour movie for T.V, you will never get the whole story. Even if you did get the whole story you would make your own judgments, they all do. I see a shrink, but they got a story from paper, so they will never give the real me a chance.
    What is normal exactly, who determines what is sane, and what isn’t. Is it really up to man to determine someone else’s fate? Sometimes I wonder if I am truly insane or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I don’t want to believe the things it is thinking but sometimes they seem too real not to. Thoughts so deep, I can’t share them with anyone. My mind races hundreds of miles an hour and I cannot control it. No matter what I do they won’t stop, no matter who I tell they can’t help me. I’m trapped, no way out. Trapped in a world where evil mask reality, where my own conscience is my worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder if it is all a dream, but other times I am afraid this may become reality.
    I can’t remember when it all started, but I can remember when I was normal. Growing up I was happy, didn’t have both parents but my mom did her best, considering her issues. Daddy was never around so I don’t know much about him, nor do I care to. It’s his loss, you know, not being around. Most of my childhood was wonderful, we didn’t have the money like a lot of families, so some luxuries we didn’t get to experience but there was love, and that was what mattered. I don’t quite remember when but sometime while I was a teenager I began cutting myself, Not to die, just to feel the pain, watch the blood flow, and control how deep, how much, and when to stop, control. I wonder if that was the best part. I’m not sure. Sometimes I was happy, sometimes I was angry, sometimes I was sad, but other times, it was the control. Even though all of those things were great, the power it had over others was the best part. You will do what I say, give me what I want, tell me what I want to hear OR you will watch me bleed. That, which was the best part. It became not enough, so I stopped. I, to this day have yet to find a replacement. I don’t know if I ever will but maybe, just maybe I will.
    As the years gone by I wondered if I was crazy, maybe I still am, but I function. I don’t walk around drugged, or drooling on myself. I don’t hear things or see things. But My mind, it seems to have control over me, I want it to stop these evil thoughts and desires but I cannot make it stop, no matter what I do. I want to destroy things that make others happy, I want to sabotage all that is going well, and sometimes I even want to hurt or kill someone or myself.
    These thoughts overpower my brain and these feelings overpower my person. Its like my mind is a puzzle and all these loose pieces are everywhere and I don’t know where to place them, so I store them, but that does nothing because I keep storing more and more other them and I cannot figure out what to do with any of them. I wish they would all just go away, leave my brain and let me think for me. Sometimes I become obsessed with these thoughts, and it’s scary. Scary because I don’t really want to hurt someone. But sometimes I wonder if I will, and not remember doing it. that is the scariest part, being afraid of what I am capable of doing and not even realizing I am capable of doing so.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Are you seeing a doctor hun about these thoughts. Have you been diagnosed with a mental illness so you can get on the right medication to alleviate these thoughts I hope you are reaching out for the help and t he support that is there for you hun You do not have to fight this alone there is help so please reach out and get it ok h ugs
  3. lostnalone

    lostnalone New Member

    Thanks for the reply, yes i see a doctor but i get responses like "anxiety" or "borderline personality" etc i will be starting ability and buspar soon, hope they help...
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I hope the meds help you find some one possibly a friend, possibly a therapist who will see more of the real you. I think we are all seen differently by the people we know just as our perceptions of others varies. It can take someone like me an awfully long time to truly trust someone. To drop the facade, the facsimile of a normal person I do so well.