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Thoughts like mosquitos

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Antiquitie's Friend
#1
Hi,
So what do people do with suicidal thoughts that come back day after day? I'm in therapy already, which is going really well, and the other symptoms of depression I had are fading out. I'm taking care of myself as best as I know how, and trying to reach out and talk to people when I need to and so on, but these thoughts just won't end. I used to think of killing myself as the lesser of two evils, but now I often think about it as a positive thing, like something to look forward to.
All of the things I love to do bring up these feelings for me now, as I have lost my best friend who I used to do everything with, which was my own fault. I'm meditating a lot, which kind of keeps me a little more level, but I'm still totally nuts.
I'm starting to think that I need to change my life situation seriously for this to stop. My problems are ridiculously hard for me to sort out, though- to do what I feel like I need to do would involve hurting someone in my life so severely that I think I might save them pain by killing myself instead. I've also brought a lot of pain on them and myself lately already, so I don't feel like I can do them or myself any good. Of course, I don't know if my decision-making skills are at their peak right now, if you know what I mean. Therapy is helping with that, as well, but its such a slow process!
Anyway, if anyone has some tips or whatever, it would be appreciated. Take care.
 

live

Antiquitie's Friend
#3
Mostly I think it would hurt less for me to change, at least in the long run. I guess sometimes the immediacy of my situation becomes overwhelming and I forget about the long run. Especially since my situation is so complex, that when I get down I lose track of everything.
 
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