Thoughts... no different in hospital! (possibly triggering??? who knows)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aussiegal, Apr 13, 2012.

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  1. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Here I am in hospital. No different to being at home really except that someone cooks for me and reminds me to eat. Buzzer has just gone off meaning someone somewhere is in trouble. It isn't me. I mean... I might be in trouble or distress but I know there is no way I would ever press that buzzer. I dont deserve help. I deserve to feel this pain.
    So I am sitting in my room knowing that my old friends (plastic knife and plastic fork) are in the drawer outside in the common kitchen room. I could so do with them right now to help in my thinking. Maybe they wont kill me but they certainly leave nice scars. Oh how I miss them. The only thing stopping me from becoming reacquainted with these old friends is my boyfriends deal breaker comment: self harm equals relationship over for him. Right now though, I am beginning to question how much I really need that relationship vs how much I would love to feel some relief. Stupid I know.... having a hard time choosing between plastic cutlery and my partner. But its my reality.

    The other reality is that I am sitting in this room looking around wondering how I could possibly end things in here... no fixed curtain rails. No handles or solid items that would bear body weight... yep they have done a good job of making a room liveable and suicide proof. Nothing in my bag... They have taken anything worthwhile out.

    Not sure what to do. I think about my life. I have nothing that bad to be continually depressed about and yet I struggle every damn day. I have had bulimia since i was 14 (more than half of my life!!). My head is just screwed up with thoughts that shouldn't be there. They say suicide hurts those around you. Yet me living is killing my own mother. Right now I actually feel hate towards her. She doesn't listen to what I say I need. I know she is trying to help. I know she is doing what she thinks is best. But I honestly hate her. Seeing her makes me want to die even more.

    I am screwed up. How can you be in hospital and still be so screwed up?
     
  2. virgo

    virgo Member

    I, too, feel that I don't deserve help, that I deserve to feel this pain. When I'm in a hospital bed (regrettably often) I feel that I am occupying the bed on false pretences and that it should be used for someone who is really sick. I do understand. You are not alone.

    Self harm for me is a way of coping with pain. Perhaps it is not so much choosing between your boyfriend and the cutlery, as choosing relief from pain and no relief from pain. Could you talk to your boyfriend from that perspective, maybe?

    Depression is a struggle to live with. You can be proud of yourself for every day you make it. Today, be proud that you survived yesterday.

    Hospital is not necessarily a place to cure being screwed up, it's sometimes a place to be safe while you get un-screwed up. Besides, have you looked at some of the so-called "normal" people out there? I often think that they're more screwed up than we are.

    There are people out there who care about you - I do, for one. Hang in there, and keep posting.
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    hosp helps first few times but yes it dosnt help in end,I am surprised you have access to putor as my shoes were even taken from me.The idea of hosp though have a relaxing time forget whats going on outside yes ya still have to face it all eventually but for now have a break.Um idea of someone cooking and cleaning the dishes is my dream one advantage of hosp but all in all relax try to get better then find proper support in the real world
     
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I think that out of all the times I have been hospitalized, the feeling of getting better has not occurred until after I left. Take your time and just get some rest, try to relax--not an easy task if you've never been in there before. But you may see some improvement upon discharge. Think about how it might be if your were recovering from some other disease in the hospital? Chances are, you would not feel so swell while confined to a bed, being sick. I think that your boyfriend has the right intentions, even though if I were you it would feel to me like he is giving me an ultimatum. But I hope it all turns out grand for you! Must be nice, where I am, you get zero contact with a computer, phone, etc.
     
  5. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    You are right... when we go into hospital for something else that most of the recovering is done after. We don't expect to feel one hundred per cent better walking out. Would be a good idea to keep that in mind here.

    Today has been a bit of a different day. During the morning I was very upbeat. Felt the best I had in weeks. Feeling a bit of a down hill slide now. But I am going to attempt to go out of the hospital and have dinner with friends.

    Being a private hospital, the rules are a little different here to the public system. We are allowed phones and computers during the day but only while being monitored and only if we have been doing ok. They try to keep things as close to normal as possible while creating an environment that keeps us safe.

    Had a good chat with one of the nurses today. Walked away feeling ok as I had a run in with her last time I was here. She locked me out of my room for self harm and later turned it upside down during a room search. We had a chat about how I had been going and she explained how she felt when people self harmed in the unit. Made sense. Still doesn't make things easy. However we just had a shift change of nurses again a little while ago and another one of my old nurses came over to chat and asked about my self harming. When I told her how I had been she was so excited for me that despite having to fight the feelings daily I have done as well as I have. Trying to hold on to that.

    Thanks all for the support. It does make a difference.
     
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Great to hear ya doing well keep fighting and say it again AWESOME
     
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