thoughts of death yet again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Malcontent, Dec 21, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    There's an interesting side-effect to this place; suicide becomes so every-day. The words "I want to die" lose all meaning, they've been heard too many times.

    So as I sit here and type I want to die, hoping that someone will hear that and hear how much despair I feel, I can't honestly say that I think anyone will really understand. I guess you can only hear cries for help so many times, and see people ignore the advice they're given, before they just become white noise. The funny thing is, I don't actually want to die. I only want to kill a part of me. The part of me that makes me feel dead already, the part that makes me feel detached from every other person in the world, the part that makes me feel like I don't even fit in my own skin. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of what I could be like if I just got over a few things, and I really like that person. But letting go is almost like grieving a dead loved one, finally saying goodbye to people in my past or the person that I was at times or even the person I could've been if some things hadn't happened is too painful. At times I think I can face it, but I guess I'm too much of a coward and I always run from it. If I try to be a good, kind, responsible person and fail, then the only person to blame is me. What would I do if I tried and failed? Would there be any hope after that? For me (passing no judgement on anyone else's situation) suicide is the easy way out. It's comfortable here, alone in the dark with my depression. Every day is going to be a bad one but at least I know what's coming. I could end it all, but maybe living involves more courage than I have. Or yet again maybe that's just another cop out. I don't know what I'm going to do, but things can't stay like this. They just can't.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I think you bring up a very good point here Malcontent. I think a lot of people have trouble overcoming depression because after you've lived like that for so long, it becomes part of your identity and people aren't willing or able to give up that negative aspect of themselves. I also think that most people here truly don't want to die, they just want an end to their problems. Letting go of that negative part of you might be easier than you think. You have to come out of your depression comfort zone and let yourself heal. :hug:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    No real words of wisdom right now, but just wanted to say that I heard you and that there are many ppl here who respect you and care about you...big hugs, J
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say i understand. I know how you feel and i understand the despair and anguish you are going through. The pain and the desire to end it all with death. But you know as well as i do that death really isn't the solution, might seem ideal now, in this pain most other solutions seem hidden. But it isn't. You can get through this, there are always options, always ways around problems. You've just got to struggle through the pain and make it out the other side. :hug:
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I may not understand completely but I understand enough and know all too well so many things you said. Hun just know you're not alone, not a white noise and so many love and care about you here. You are heard here and there are many that want only to try and help you through this patch and others that want to try and understand. Give all these people the chances they are looking for ok by giving yourself another chance.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I do hear your cries Mal. I wish there were something I could do or say that would be lifechanging for you, but I know that simply is not possible. I can only say that I know I and many others would be greatly affected if you were not part of our lives. You say that you do not want to die, but rid yourself of that part of you that doesn't seem to fit in your own skin yet you are afraid to let go of that part. Let go of it and allow yourself to grieve if that is what it takes Mal. You are a wonderful person despite what you see as your shortcomings. Learning to love yourself for who you are is one of the most difficult things you will face. You do have the strength and courage to do just that. You may need to lean on your friends for a little extra support, but we are more than willing to be there for you. You remain in my thoughts and my hand is outstretched should you wish to take it. Stay safe Mal. :hug:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.