I'm 27 years old, pretty much a complete waste of space but determined to improve myself in the coming years, and make an attempt to find a loving partner for the first time. But when I imagine myself in two years, I get these recurring thoughts that despite my efforts, I'm still unwanted and rejected left and right. Enough to make me commit suicide. There's this defeatist streak, and I know it's not backed up by reason since I really can't know what's ahead. So pervasive is this sense of doom that I've started writing a ''suicide diary'' to document my thoughts and emotions at the coming life changes. I see myself typing exactly my reasons for committing suicide in great detail, posting it on a forum, maybe this one, and then going ahead with it. This is a common thought for me these days. Anyone heard of something like this before? Last time I was seriously thinking of killing myself, it was purely about not making ends meet. I dont think I was depressed I drowned my worries in gaming and internet surfing, thinking that the next day I might have to go ahead and end it. This went on for quite a while, I had hardcore avolition. Now that I'm cutting down on these things, I find this disturbing mental habit. Maybe I've had suicide on the mind for so long, it's become an addiction. Well, I'm certainly not suicidal now but I have this damn fear it's too late for me to change my life. I'm also feeling thoroughly choked, as if I need to get things done before I'm 30 or I will actually die. Probably a useful feeling to have in fighting avolition, but also a stressful one. Yeah, I know what the response will be, go talk to a professional. Well, I'm not going to take any mind-altering meds, that goes against my rules. Also, can't afford it.