Thoughts of doom, not sure why

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by CD110, Apr 27, 2014.

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  1. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    I'm 27 years old, pretty much a complete waste of space but determined to improve myself in the coming years, and make an attempt to find a loving partner for the first time. But when I imagine myself in two years, I get these recurring thoughts that despite my efforts, I'm still unwanted and rejected left and right. Enough to make me commit suicide. There's this defeatist streak, and I know it's not backed up by reason since I really can't know what's ahead. So pervasive is this sense of doom that I've started writing a ''suicide diary'' to document my thoughts and emotions at the coming life changes. I see myself typing exactly my reasons for committing suicide in great detail, posting it on a forum, maybe this one, and then going ahead with it. This is a common thought for me these days. Anyone heard of something like this before?

    Last time I was seriously thinking of killing myself, it was purely about not making ends meet. I dont think I was depressed I drowned my worries in gaming and internet surfing, thinking that the next day I might have to go ahead and end it. This went on for quite a while, I had hardcore avolition. Now that I'm cutting down on these things, I find this disturbing mental habit. Maybe I've had suicide on the mind for so long, it's become an addiction. Well, I'm certainly not suicidal now but I have this damn fear it's too late for me to change my life. I'm also feeling thoroughly choked, as if I need to get things done before I'm 30 or I will actually die. Probably a useful feeling to have in fighting avolition, but also a stressful one.

    Yeah, I know what the response will be, go talk to a professional. Well, I'm not going to take any mind-altering meds, that goes against my rules. Also, can't afford it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do not need to take meds if you do not want to therapy CBT and DBT help change mind the way it thinks and psychologist a good one can help you not feel defeated in life hugs
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi CD110. It is good to hear that you are determined to make changes and 'improve yourself' and I am sorry that you are finding that your thoughts are providing such an obstacle.

    I am unsure why you would have rules against taking medication; depression is a medical complaint and should be treated as such. It is a continual source of bafflement to me why people have such a negative perception of drugs. Any time you take a painkiller you are taking a mind altering drug as most work by binding to pain receptors in the central nervous system (spinal chord and brain). Many many medications treat the body by affecting the brain. If you had a physical condition that required one of these the chances are you would take it. The 'rule' you have about medication might be something you need to revise in order to move forward - and consider what the basis of this rule actually is.

    I would also recommend you stop writing down all your negative thought patterns. Writing something down reinforces it - if you are keeping a regular diary of your suicidal thoughts you are reaffirming them and not allowing yourself to move away from them. You are giving your worries about the future more power over you by focussing on them. Instead, perhaps consider when you start to feel a sense of doom and worries about the future, you should write instead about the future that you want and use some visualisation techniques to imagine yourself in that better place. Focussing on what you want and how to get it is far more productive than focussing on the negative.

    I hope that you find a positive way to move forward.
  4. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your responses, I'm looking into CBT but the way I am, I'm sure I'd run into a roadblock with something I'm unwilling to change about the way I think. I'm looking to improve, not radically alter, which I'm too rigid to do anyway. A psychologist telling me to think this or that way for my own good, to fit in better, would rub me completely the wrong way.

    They actually aren't, yet. I'm still moving forward. No idea what effect they will have when I do go out there and try to find a partner, which is what these fears are focused on.

    I doubt I'm depressed, at least, nothing too bad. I have experienced a decline in enjoyment of my hobbies, but also emotions I haven't felt before, which prompted this effort I'm making with my life. It came quite suddenly.

    It's based on feeling a need to be in control. I hate the idea of some alien substance changing my mental state, which I try to keep even-keel at all times. Yeah, I'd still take a drug in cases where my life quality is chronically worsened by a medical condition. But drugs that heavily affect mental states with no other benefit are completely taboo and I'd never take one.

    Well, it's more than typing 'I don't deserve to live' a million times. It's a chronicle of my effort, and a way of ordering my thoughts.

    Anyway, I'm just venting here. Don't feel the need to respond, input and ideas are always appreciated but I'm in no immediate danger.
  5. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    Gah, feeling like I'm being strangled by my own age and there's always the nagging suspicion that I'm just too weird by default to be taken seriously, let alone romantically. Hope I don't develop a damn ulcer thinking about it, because I've no intention of curbing the worry - it's useful in keeping me from slipping back into avolition.
  6. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    I find I'm developing one mean inferiority complex the more I think about my life. I do a search to learn more and all I see is 'how to overcome an inferiority complex', and I'm like, why do that? So many people are conceited and self-satisfied. Give me one who's humble and insecure, I find that a lot more interesting and personable. Insecurity is driving me to work and study again, set up some discipline for once. Am I wrong for using my self-critical thoughts to my own benefit? Why the psychiatric obsession with self-worth and self-esteem? Why try harder if you're already pleased with what you have?
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