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Thoughts of ending it all becoming more frequent.

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I'm an unemployed 21 year old high school drop out ( got my GED and was in college during what would have been my senior year, but I dropped out of college too ), that does nothing but sit on his ass playing video games all day. I barely see the sun, in fact I don't think I've seen any sunlight in the past 2 weeks, possibly a month. I used to have lots of friends, but after a 2 year long world of warcraft addiction that large group has become pretty small. I'm fairly confident that if I actually got a job or went back to school and started doing something with my life that I would feel better. The problem is I can't stand being around people, if I don't know you, I don't want to know you. I have severe social anxiety until I'm actually forced into a social situation, then I seem to be fine. It's just the thought of it that sickens me. What sickens me even more is the thought of having to get up every day to grind out a 9-5, 5 days a week, for peanuts. I would rather die than have to do something that I really don't want to do almost every day of my life. But hey that's a part of life right? Well if that's the case then I don't want to be a part of life myself, because it's not worth it imo. What's the point of living if you're completely miserable and would rather just take a nice, long, permanent nap? I honestly doubt I could ever even work up the balls to do it, but then again how hard is it xxxxxxxxx? The thoughts have become more frequent and keep me up some night. I sometimes cry ( very briefly ) for no reason... Earlier today I flung a drawer across my room and made a huge mess, not that it matters because my room is already a pig sty, actually I don't even think a pig would want to live in here. I don't know if I should have myself committed or go to my GP and get a referral to see a shrink. In fact, I don't even know if I have health insurance right now, that's how out of the loop I am. What day is it again? What month? Fuck I wouldn't even know the date and time if they weren't right here in front of me, constantly reminding me of how much of my life I'm wasting and have wasted. And it's like one day I'm hopeful and feel like I might actual be going somewhere, the next I'm back in the pits wishing I would get taken out by a stray piece of shrapnel or something. Any advice would be appreciated.

P.s. Besides the fact that I have no health insurance, another thing that scares me about committing myself is that I may be forced to take meds if I'm "suicidal"? Something that I refuse to do, if I'm going to continue living I'd rather not poison my body and/or have to rely on that poison to to so. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks in advance.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
MEDS are not poison the are are life saving Just as insulin saves a diabetic life radiations saves a cancer pt Meds of anxiety depressions heals a mental health pt. They giive you clarity to see things in the way that should be seen they give you energy to move forward to put order into your life they are there to help one get through the dark times. Medication heals it takes some of that pain away hugs


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
I can't say my room is a pig sty but I have so much stuff in here that I have a path down beside my bed and another one to my desk..I just hate dusting all this stuff..I too stay to myself and live in my room.. At least you have friends... I don't have any in RL..I have managed to take a few from the forum and we email each other quite a bit..You really should see a pdoc and don't be afraid to try the meds..
you might be covered under a family insurance plan.

if not, you may want to see if you are eligible for medicaid

I think that there is plenty to criticize about meds, but they could be what you need at least in the short term.

not seeing the sun and staying in doors all day could certainly be contributing to how you feel

if you can go out, take a long walk and get some sun and fresh air, that might be good for you.

meditation might help with the social anxiety

a 1/2 hour of gentle aerobic activity everyday (just enough to barely break a sweat) I think was shown in a study as being as effective for treating depression as some anti-depressant medication.

hope that things can get better soon!
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