Thoughts of my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nolife, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    Hi anyone,

    I'm here because my thoughts have become increasingly strong and has taken over in my joy of life. Started with my separation from my girlfriend last month after 4yrs. Moved to Florida to start a life with her gave up a really good job and was happy to be finally in my life. Now it changed move back to mass and been here looking already for a new job within a month. I have no energy no feelings no love for anything ever since we split. At 35 yrs old life does come very hard. I have no children or been married. I feel like life has a funny way of saying it wasn't your time. I right now feel lost I feel angry and hurt. And I feel just like a big failure that I keep pushing the ideal of hurting my self. Even as I type this it is hard to move forward. That is why my efforts to try this website and see if there is a little bit of hope.
     
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum. I hope that you can find a new job. Are you getting any professional help?
     
  3. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    Thanks, I have not been getting any professional help.
     
  4. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I'm a similar age and separated from my partner last year and it is rough. It can make you feel worthless like no one wants to be with you and I think that seeds the idea you shouldn't try or may get hurt if you do. How long have you been feeling down/numb?
     
  5. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    Well at least I know you understand. It has been a month...I struggle with joy and I did go out and try to enjoy myself make new friends etc..but it doesn't erase nothing. I'm still back to same knowing I only pretend to have joy on the outside. As I write this message alone my thoughts jump to a deeper bad thoughts.
     
  6. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    It sounds like this relationship was very important to you. Feeling melancholic for a month after an event is a sign you are not getting over this well at all. I'de be a hypocrit from here on in but have you thought about speaking to a counsellor to see if you can get some ideas on how to get closure or build some tools to defend against bad thoughts whilst you find your feet again?
     
  7. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    I have not, I have no way of getting a counselor because right now I have no insurance or money to spend. Without a job it is difficult. I am going through a very rough moment because well everyone that I know is set in their lives and don't have time to deal with my life because who would anyways. My only way is to express the way I feel on this thread. I do appreciate at least someone who I never met to put their input instead of hearing the usual person not understanding deeply how one feels.
     
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are alone and the breakdown of relationships hurts everyone. At the moment, you are hurting a lot but there is a reason to live life. We all here know how hard it is to deal with loneliness but we help each other very day to cope with our struggles.

    You no longer need to struggle on your own but never give up the fight for life. Things can change but getting over the sadness is hard but YOU can do it. All I can say, try to remain good terms with your partner as then she knows you still care for her. Yes, it's hard but sometimes it's the better way to deal with relationship. At least from distance, she may one day realise that you cared a lot.

    They say time is a greater healer and there is some truth in that. Please keep posting as you know we care about YOU. Even though we will never meet but just think there is someone who is feeling your pain as well.

    Take care and be strong.
     
  9. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I'm hoping this place can at least act as a lifeline whilst you heal. Unknown is so right in that if you can still have a healthy relationship with your ex then this could help. Getting a new job should help as it will busy you and force you to meet new people (and hopefully give you money).
    Having all the joy sucked out of you is brutal and makes you stop caring about yourself. Over time other problems will surface and you need to try and recognise and stop these or you can slip further and start pushing everyone close to you away. Your self confidence is probably already damaged from the breakup which doesn't help. Maybe keep going out and being social with friends even if you arn't feeling it. Have you talked to the people close to you about your feelings?
     
  10. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    Wow! Just reading this from both of you gives me a reason to fight. I honestly felt like today I was going to pull the plug on my life. I honestly lost hope and felt nobody in this world would care or even take a chance on me even if I'm a stranger to both of you. I know I'm new on here but just reading on what was written gave me some hope. I know I'm not out of the woods yet but I understand what you are trying to say to me. I have had talked to others but again they don't understand how deep it feels for me. I also feel embarrassed to say because I don't want to be judged. I feel sensitive to this kind of conversation that is why I have kept the deeper thoughts away from a conversation. Those that know me know I am tough on the outside but friendly and giving. I like to laugh and enjoy a good time. But my recent transition killed my joy on the inside badly so I do my best to show on the outside that I am okay when around others.
     
  11. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    That's really positive and I'm glad you can see you aren't abandoned. The site is amazing for help in many respects because everyone has similarities in how bad it can get and are quite empathetic to one another. It's dug me out of loads of pits (lost count!).
    I really understand about the fear of talking to people, especially those who don't suffer from these feelings as they may find it difficult to understand and also might be taken aback if they see you as a tough guy on the outside. That being said if they are your friends they do care about you and will try to help you in their own way as long as they know something is wrong. One of my friends said something along the lines of "I'm not good with all this feelings crap but i'm here if you need to talk or want to get drunk". It made me feel really good but I admit I needed to attack the problem from a professional path as well which you said you will struggle to do with no cash flow. Does your area have any kind of community counselling you can use that's free?
     
  12. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    Unfortunately there are no community centers that offer free care. In my area it is a must to have insurance. Right now since I have no job I am stuck. Today I woke up feeling okay still battling. I know I have some great friends but like you said a professional needs to be involved. I just hope soon because waking up it is starting to weigh on me alot. I am trying to find the spark as why life means something not easy but I'm trying and trying to not reach into not ending my life. Even as I wright this my thoughts just keeps going back and fourth on my situation almost like as if time is running out. It is a struggle for me and has made me weak minded.
     
  13. I've been where you're at. I was so in love with someone that didn't want me. It was incredibly hard to accept it and I tried to end my life if I couldn't have him. Let me give you the hope and strength you need about this..... You ARE Important! You ARE Wonderful! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You WILL find the right person for you. She wasn't the one. I know it's difficult to accept that right now because it's so brand new. Let me tell you that looking back now, I'm so so so completely thankful I DIDN'T end up with that person. I know now my life would have been miserable with him. You do have a purpose in life. Life gives us lessons to GROW from. Now is the time to find it. Soul search. Dig into your own heart and find out what truly makes YOU happy and NO ONE else. This is YOUR LIFE, not anyone else's. :) You are still so young and have lots more life to experience. You have so many beautiful, magnificent adventures to LIVE!! Go explore! Go live! I wish to God someone would have told me that years ago. I will pray you find the strength you need to overcome all of this. I will pray your heart is healed and you become the Incredible, Powerful person this world needs. One day, through your life experiences, you could be someone's savior, someone's HOPE. God bless you and remember you are loved by many!!
     
  14. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    Those words were powerful. Thank you for those kind words. I do need that prayer even if I believe god is not listening to my own. I'm in so much emotions I go from love to hate in seconds. My mind tends to go the opposite direction. But my heart tells me no don't do it. I am torn emotionally a wreck and honestly I'm tired of all this emotions. But at the same time you all keep giving me hope. Thank you for all being understanding in my time of need.
     
  15. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    Thank you, I will keep you in mind. I am trying to find things to do in my area there is not much just the area bars,clubs so that is not my lifestyle. My friends are always working and when they do have time it is not much we can do. I try my best during the day to do something but I get bored. I have to use my phone to connect on this website. I don't have internet connection so job hunting is tough since job application is online. So I go to barnes and noble book store to use Internet connection. I tell you it is hard trying to move myself around I have a low amount of savings so I'm careful not to spend wildly till I find something.
     
  16. Nolife

    Nolife Member

    I can't sleep at all! Been like that for weeks. I'm just so tired of it all I'm tired of losing. Every day feels the same for me. Every day is a struggle. I pray to god why me? Why do I have to suffer! Why do I feel alone now! It is like there is no answer. If you only knew my entire story it would make sense as to why I am here. This is not happening I ask myself. I look and think about <mod edit- methods>. It tempts me so badly to do it. I ask for prayers to keep me safe from these thoughts. I pray that some miracle would happen I wish I still had faith but it clouds me. I'm so broken inside it hurts. I cry so much because of memories that hurt me so badly. Even now I'm sobbing like crazy alone. I'm just tired of it all...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2016
  17. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You should give us your full story. I would say more but I'm having crazy mood swings and can't think straight so for that i'm sorry.
     
  18. It takes a little while to heal. I do wish we could heal with a snap of our fingers. You will overcome this though. I know about having memories that hurt. I went through that for a while. The only thing that got me through it was forgiving myself and forgiving those that hurt me and I had to move on. I let God take control. Again, try going for a morning walk and have a nice chat with yourself about what makes you the happiest. Write down some goals (big or small) to look forward to. But the point is to keep going towards the positive stuff to help uplift you. Praying for you!