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Thoughts of suicide gives me comfort

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New Member
I hate my life... everything is working against me. It is just so much easier to kill my self. What is the point of living? Im 21 never had a girlfriend never kissed anyone. I have never been close to anyone in my life. Not even my mom the only person in the world I actually care about. But she hates me now... she caught me smoking weed for the 5th time. She is extremely opposed to weed... I tell her it is not a big deal. But she doesn't understand, she thinks weed is the same thing as cocaine and heroin. I want to quit weed.... but when Im sober my life just becomes so dull and boring. I am skinny as fuck and weed is the only thing that makes me eat. Without weed I just start gagging when I try to put food down. My dad I hated my whole life... I just had a fist fight with him 2 weeks ago. I don't have anybody. Being picked on my whole life has shattered my confidence. I developed social anxiety and I just feel awkward all the time. My life is full of regrets and wishing I had better. The only thing I like doing is staying home, smoking weed and playing video games. My life is going no where and I am weak and tired. I have completed 2 years of college but I just dread going back to school. My anxiety just limits me. I don't even want to go to a Doctor or therapist. I just want to avoid anything social. I of course want to improve my life but my motivation is completely gone. I gave up a while ago. Every time I start feeling sorry for my self I just feel like crying. Thoughts of suicide gives me comfort.... it really does. I need guidance.... I am lost.


Staff Alumni
Hi fml and welcome...sometimes, when I am very depressed I become apathetic...I do not want to do anything and I just do not care...that is a part of the depression...thoughts of suicide are comforting for many people because they give us a sense of control over what we feel we cannot control..I have found, that the more I can do for myself, the less I feel I need to know that I have that control...please reconsider speaking to a therapist or doctor about how you are doing...the first step does seem to be the hardest...I have been in treatment for many years, and I know how hard it is to get things out in the open...welcome again, and I hope you find support and caring here; I know many people can relate to what you have said...J
I can relate. I have felt that my friends and family don't care, or judge me, and have had no hope that anyone outside of them could care. You said it well...I hate MY life, not implying life in general. I have come close to death and realised while I hate my life because of my choices (or lack there of), when it came down to it, I want to live - even if I still struggle with that thought. If for no other reason than to not hurt the ones around me whether they care or not (they do, but don't know how to cope and it comes out as frustration and anger sometimes). I'm not satisfied with a lot in my life, and a lot of the time have no idea how to correct it. I have been a loner my whole life, and have blown the relationships I've been in. It may be a slow progression, and I still feel lost at times, but the fact that I put myself out there and fail is still an accomplishment for me. It's not easy, but medication does help. It's not a cure all, but it may give the smallest push to get back out there. It initially sucks to admit your failings to a doctor, but they can help.
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