Thoughts of Suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dreamer uk, Feb 26, 2008.

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  1. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    I just can't seem to escape the thoughts of suicide. It is like an analytical process has begun in my mind of whether I can cope continuing in this life. Suicide has always been in the back of my mind since I was a teenager but I've managed to struggle through this life so far but I don't think I can go on much longer.

    I've been retaking my 50mg of sertraline for about 3 weeks since stopping my 100mg dose abruptly after 1 year. Today I felt really down and took 100mg.

    Hopefully the antidepressant will start working properly soon and stop me from feeling like this. I just worry that they will make me emotionally numb and more able to commit suicide when the time is the right.

    I haven't spoken to my mom for a while, I love her very much and I'm sorry for the way I am. I'm emotionally disconnected from everybody, I just stay on my like I'm just waiting to die. I think of what I would write in a suicide note to try to explain that it was not her fault and why I couldn't continue anymore. I just feel like I've been a waste of resources and time, it would have been better if I had never been born. I don't deserve this life, one of the other sperm should have had it. All that effort to bring me up as a child was basically for nothing.

    It feels comforting to know I have my 'Eject Seat' button. I will try my best to drag myself through this life so my mother doesn't have to lose a son but ultimately if I feel I can't go on anymore then I will end my suffering and return my life energy to the cosmos. If there is a God I think he will understand why I did it.

    I have nothing worth living for, my life is destined to be an empty void of loneliness.
     
  2. humpty

    humpty Active Member

    Hi Mark,

    I do that quite a lot. Weigh up the possiblities, the pro and cons so to speak. Endlessly analasis of the situitation. I do this everday, the same thing over and over again. I don't know if it helps but it seems to be part of my personality. The endless what if's drives me nuts, which also leads to more depression and anxiety.

    I don't really want to kill myself but I'm just so alone and depressed by everything. It's seems the only logical solution, but then again it's not just me that I have to think about, if I die I will cause pain to my family.

    I hope the medication give you some relief, take care Mark.
    :hug:
    Humpty
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 26, 2008
  3. ColdSummer

    ColdSummer Well-Known Member

    I think suicidal thoughts and planning out your own suicide in your mind almost becomes an obession. I think of it all the time, even to the stage where when I reached the top of a flight of stairs I'd look down and consider jumping just to end it.
    It would be a good idea for you to get in contact with your mum. even if she doesnt know about how you feel, just some contact may be what you need. and you deserve this life just as much as anyone else.
     
  4. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Thanks Humpty and ColdSummer. What you say makes a lot of sense.

    I don't want to die, I just find it difficult to live.

    I think when the antidepressants start working better then I won't feel as down as this.

    I just don't want to help myself, I wish I was a dog so I could go and lie in a basket and have no worries. I'm so lazy at the moment, I just don't want to do anything.

    Life wasn't meant to be this empty.
     
  5. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I kinda know how you feel. Im not on ADs, but i think a can relate to your feelings.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2009
  6. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I think he doesnt want to get in contact with his mum, because he doesnt want to hurt her more. Im in contact with my mum every day, she sees my depression, but i have never told her about my pain and about my reasons. Yea, it might hurts her to see me like this, but if i told her, she will become depressed, to. So, why to get her down at the bottom with me?
     
  7. Hey Mark...

    Maybe it's a moot point/question - but I was wondering why you stopped taking the sertraline...perhaps you were feeling 'better'...yet some do need to continue taking it (though that can also seem depressing in and of itself, I know). You're more than likely already aware that the effects do take time, and that the higher dosage you've now reverted back to will also take time (though I'm not at all saying meds are an ultimate/sole "cure", of course). Also, if this is an older prescription you've kept, perhaps it would be prudent to make sure that they haven't expired.

    And as you do feel close to your mum, it could be a good idea to re-establish your connection. Sometimes, even 'small-talk' can take you out of the moment...

    :hug:
     
  8. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Hi, thanks for the replies.

    Touglytobeloved, I'll add you to my MSN in a moment.

    FoundandLost, I stopped taking the medication for a number of reasons. One of them was that I had been on the medication for a year and was worried about long term use of antidepressants with receptor downregulation. I thought the longer I stay on them, the harder it will be to come off. I was beginning to doubt whether I wanted to stay on them long term. Another reason was that I felt very emotionally numb on them, things were going pear shaped in my life and I started reading about suicide. I thought there might be less chance of me ending my life if I was at least able to cry about it. I didn't particularly want to live my life with a drug latched onto my serotonin transporters and modifying the way my brain works. The truth is though the drug did help with depression & anxiety which is why I went back on it. Plus I didn't exactly do a tapered withdrawal.

    Luck just doesn't seem to be going my way at the moment.

    I want to speak to my mom, but I don't want to hurt her anymore, I just feel like such a loser right now. She is the only person that cares about me and who I can talk to, but I can't because I would just upset her.

    I got a Doctors referral to the Mental Health Team and I need to book an appointment which I'll do soon.
     
  9. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    mark

    life is worth living, you may not see it now but it is, its up to you to change how you feel and find that little something to work for.

    and i think that is your mum, don.t waste time, call her and talk, tell her how you feel, she will understand and she will help you.

    don't leave this life and leave her to wonder why!

    i can tell how much you love her, call her go and see her and open up.

    take care and stay safe
     
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    make that call to the mental health unit... sometimes you'd be amazed at the support that is out there, speaking of, is anyone helping you come off the anti-depressants? it can be really hard, new emotions popping up, more thoughts of suicide, and the like.

    i'm glad you don't want to die... i sure know what it's like to find it difficult to live, though. that's when i just stick to the program: distractions when i'm obsessing on suicide, long walks, sleep, checking in daily with friends or family for a little human interaction. when the crisis is over, i add stuff, like work or meeting up with friends.

    hang in there,

    c
     
  11. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Thanks andy68 & Dazzle11215.

    I think I'll take 100mg of sertraline for the next few days and see if that helps.

    I need to get some motivation and stop procrastinating with things and do more to help myself.

    Thanks everyone for the comments & advice.
     
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