I just can't seem to escape the thoughts of suicide. It is like an analytical process has begun in my mind of whether I can cope continuing in this life. Suicide has always been in the back of my mind since I was a teenager but I've managed to struggle through this life so far but I don't think I can go on much longer. I've been retaking my 50mg of sertraline for about 3 weeks since stopping my 100mg dose abruptly after 1 year. Today I felt really down and took 100mg. Hopefully the antidepressant will start working properly soon and stop me from feeling like this. I just worry that they will make me emotionally numb and more able to commit suicide when the time is the right. I haven't spoken to my mom for a while, I love her very much and I'm sorry for the way I am. I'm emotionally disconnected from everybody, I just stay on my like I'm just waiting to die. I think of what I would write in a suicide note to try to explain that it was not her fault and why I couldn't continue anymore. I just feel like I've been a waste of resources and time, it would have been better if I had never been born. I don't deserve this life, one of the other sperm should have had it. All that effort to bring me up as a child was basically for nothing. It feels comforting to know I have my 'Eject Seat' button. I will try my best to drag myself through this life so my mother doesn't have to lose a son but ultimately if I feel I can't go on anymore then I will end my suffering and return my life energy to the cosmos. If there is a God I think he will understand why I did it. I have nothing worth living for, my life is destined to be an empty void of loneliness.