Thoughts on leaving a note (sorry so long)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by topper, Dec 21, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    What's your thoughts on leaving a note?

    My first inclination is to leave one, to explain the hurt and pain I was going thru, so people might understand. I assume people would long for an explanation, as I would.

    But then, I know I'll start telling people how sorry I am, and how much I love them, and saying all the things you'll never get a chance to say. I'll never be able to say it all, so I shouldn't say some things, and invevitably leave other things out. You'd be hard pressed to address everyone in your life who at least deserved acknowledging/apologies etc.So I almost want to leave nothing at all. In addition, my views hinge on how the rich/powerful in the US, in conjunction with our media are basically working against the poor/middle class (and how so many people are willfully ignorant of this); my family's religious certainty playing a part in my depression etc. THAT would be telling them they're living in delusion, which is a point of view I think needs to be heard but I wouldn't want a judgmental condemnation to be the last thing people remember about me.

    I know how it'll be recieved. They'll think I was crazy, and rejected their God, which led to my demise (ie not our messed up/illogical societal beliefs). The circular logic and certainty will fill in all the gaps. Their beliefs will only be validated. I realize I'm not going to convert anyone to my views, and that is not my purpose anyhow. It would only be to let them know my true feelings, but I don't want them telling everyone I was (the equivalent of) "crazy" for the rest of their lives, ya know?

    I would most likely leave a short apology/"love you all", though the true reasons behind my decision would remain hidden. Although I realize I'm leaving a electronic trail of my thoughts even as you read. So there's some solace that someone who cares may find all of this. But that person may or may not choose to reveal what they find.

    I often wonder if these types of thinking have anything to do with people NOT leaving a note.

    What do you think? Should one be honest, obscuring your legacy and possibly adding more hurt? Or omit your true feelings to spare your loved one's feelings?
  2. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    After re-reading my post, it seems like I'm crying out for someone to agree with my views, which I'm sure is part of my psychodrama, and it's rather judgmental as well. I don't mean to leave that impression.

    I want to ackowledge that I don't have all the answers, and the mechanism of power operating unseen by society at large is nothing new.

    Guess I just want to be understood like all of us. Please, ignore my narcissism/judgment and let me know what your own personal thoughts have been on leaving your final thoughts.
  3. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I wrote a note when I was in a bad space about a month ago. I wanted to apologize to the few family and friends that I have left, to tell them it wasn't their fault and give them a little bit of a sense of what was going on in my head. I still have it on my computer. In the back of my head I'm saving it because things might get bad again and I'll just edit it slightly if needed.

    I did a little editing initially because I said some angry things and I didn't want to go out like that. I'm rarely ever satisfied with my writing. Never feel like I am able to get everything down on paper/screen that I'm thinking and feeling.

    Speaking of narcissism, I have fantasies that my letter will be seen by someone important and it'll somehow change the world so that I'll finally have done something good. ;) I, too, feel that things in the U.S. are tilted heavily towards the rich and powerful. Much of my depression comes from feeling powerless to change a world that I don't like. It would be nice if my death would affect the world somehow, but it wouldn't. The rich and powerful, most of them anyway, could give a crap about little ol' me.
  4. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    I too have written a note, and went back and edited the anger. It's sitting here in a folder on my computer. We sound a lot alike.

    I only want to tell my story so if it gets analyzed by anyone it would be known that people are killing themselves b/c of these particular reasons, so maybe that could help others who are in the same mindset...

    Guess my fantasy is it gets picked up by Atheist/Agnostic groups or mainstream media (riiiiight...) and helps highlight the frustrations/agony non-theists go thru when their entire support network is made up of people of the same faith.
  5. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I also consider myself an atheist. Sometimes I wish I did believe in a god. Might give me a reason to live. For me, though, all evidence points to the contrary.

    I was raised Baptist and we went to church regularly when I was a kid. I liked the community aspect of going to church until I was old enough to start to recognize and understand the hypocrisy and judgment that existed in the church I went to. As an adult, I was introduced to a Unitarian Universalist church. They have people who are atheist, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Wiccan, etc... who attend the church and the focus is more on learning from and supporting each other. I don't know if your area has a UU church, but if you are looking for a community that is open and respectful of many views, you might check it out.
  6. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    I have been to a UU church before. It's kind of far away, and honestly it was the most boring service I've ever been to, though most any religious service is 'boring' intellectually these days. I totally appreciate their viewpoint, but that was pretty much why I didn't go back.

    When I tried it out I wasn't even depressed either. I had just started discovering my new views on the nature of the world. So maybe I should give it another try so I can make some connections. Technically, I still call myself an agnostic just b/c it goes more along with 'I don't know' as opposed to 'I KNOW there's no God' but that's just semantics. The two viewpoints are virtually identical IMO. Both know that certainty about God/Afterlife etc is not possible. But I digress...

    I've been wanting to find some Buddhist community. It's such a shame that there's a Christian church on every corner around here but more enlightened/accepting/inclusive communities are so hard to find.
  7. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    Church services can be boring. ;) I've been to a couple different UU churches. One had a musical performance almost every week that made it worth going. I tend to be socially avoidant so I don't go much these days and waking up early and getting around on a Sunday has never been one of my favorite things to do. ;)

    I've had people tell me that I'm really agnostic because I am open to the idea that there might be a god if I was given undeniable proof. I consider myself an atheist though because, even if a god showed themselves to me and demanded my fealty, I would have some questions for him/her/it first. ;)
  8. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    Well since I've got totally off-topic I'll quit replying. Thanks for your thoughts, Chad. Enjoy talkin to ya. I gotta lay down and hopefully get some shuteye. Hope everyone has a peaceful night. Enjoy the Lunar Eclipse if you're up. Night.
  9. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    Sorry. I helped in moving this thing off topic. Have a good night. :)
  10. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    I wrote a note for when i want to end it.
    In my note i explain that suicide is to me one of the most fundamental rights a human can have and that it's a personal decision.
    That it's not a decision to take lightly but demands some thought and reflection over a long period of time.
    In my note i don't appologize because suicide is just ending life sooner because you couldn't stand the hurt.
    I'm not encouraging people to do it, i'm just saying that if life isn't livable anymore it should be a personal right to end it.
    That's why i support the idea of making suicidehospitals or assisted suicide.
  11. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    The reason for the apologies in my note are not so much for dying, but for the pain I know it will cause others.

    I like the idea of suicide hospitals, though I do think there should be a waiting period of like 3 days or something once you admit yourself. Give you some time to think and get some support but, if someone wants to end their life, I believe they should be given a humane way to do so.
  12. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    This is a topic I'm struggling with myself, funny you brought it up. Brutal honesty or heartfelt goodbye? To some it would produce the same letter, to others these terms may as well be a dichotomy. Like you, I am dealing with the latter. It's hard for me writing a suicide note to people (particularly family) who likely had a hand in bringing me to the point of wanting to die. They aren't bad people, just ignorant of the rammifications of their actions.. and that makes the situation even more difficult.
  13. topper

    topper Well-Known Member

    When I'm this low, I don't even feel like I have it in me to write a worthy note. The act itself says plenty. No matter what I wrote, I don't think I could adequately convey everything that was going on with me. There will be these posts, and some random .doc files on my computer if anyone cares to look.
  14. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're feeling so down. My day earlier was rough, too. A little better this evening. Please take care of yourself.
  15. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I think I will just leave a note to my mom- telling her to be absolutely sure to keep my cat and to take care of her for me. My cat is the only one important to me- she's my everything. The only other thing would be- that I don't want to be resessitated.
  16. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    it doesnt really matter though, does it?' i mean, when our brains shut off, all of our pride, humility, guilt, and everything else shuts off too. it's no longer a concern to us whether or not we've secured a legacy, came off as crazy, or let people down. by that logic, i don't see why final moments and writing a note have any more significance than the rest. anyways, you brought up good points. hope you feel better today. !
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2011
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.