thoughts on my crummy life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by painfulmuse, Jul 9, 2013.

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  1. painfulmuse

    painfulmuse Member

    this is my first post on the forum, and its not a easy one to write
    im finding life very hard at the moment, i feel that everyone has given up on me and i have given up on myself. i suffer from several mental health condition including hallucinations and hearing voices, i find these over whelming and cannot cope when these occur. i re-live traumatic events during "flashbacks", im right back there in the event itself, i can smell, feel, see and hear everything like it is happening now, in a way it is. i go into a panic attack and cannot get out until the event has happened. Even after the event is finished im in the same state that i was in all those years ago. my mood becomes very low and i feel i cannot take anymore, its bad enough living through it once but again and again is torture, because of this i have tried many times to end my life and havent succeed. i have pushed everyone away as i felt guilty as they had to live with these attacks which can lead me to become violent but in doing this i have isolated myself and have sunk further into my depression. i try to be positive but sometimes that just is not enough. i deserve what happened to me and i deserve to die, but people are telling me differently, i believe that things happen for a reason and i believe that i done something to deserve this, i deserve to be tortured and tormented by my past, im a bad person and a even worse mother
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi painfulmuse wow i could have written you words but i know they are not true you are not a bad mother hun and you do NOT deserve to suffer Your depression pushes people away your sadness ido the same. The attacks can be lessened with meds and therapy you can learn how to not let the triggers take you away. Just want to say i understand and to let you know you are good hun you don't deserve and sadness hugs
     
  3. painfulmuse

    painfulmuse Member

    but i do deserve this, no good person gives her child away, i deserve this torment, im worthless, self centred and conseated. no matter what i do i cannot ground myself when having flash backs, i m scared of going to sleep because i wake up in hospital or in the back of a poilce car, i get soo mad when they bring me back and i go mad at them, then i gulity and hurt myself do doing that, they have sectioned my several times to keep me safe but it doesnt it only makes me worse.
     
  4. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Hi painfulmuse, you can't keep beating yourself up for giving away your child. You probably had good reason to. But even if you didn't it doesn't seem to me that you're in a condition to take care of a child, given the difficulties you're going through right now. We've all done things that we regret but the key is to learn and grow from those experiences. There are treatments for the problems you mentioned, but you would have to seek professional help for that.

    And no you don't deserve such torment-only rotten people like terrorists and serial killers deserve that. I think partially you're punishing yourself for your mistakes. You can't get better or feel at peace if you don't forgive yourself. Start by loving yourself-you don't sound like someone who's done terrible harm to others, so you should take it easy on yourself.
     
  5. ryuko

    ryuko Member

    Hello~ Please don't be so hard on yourself! You may think the opposite of this, but you have a reason for living. You do, honest.
    I understand what it's like to feel like this. You're not alone.
     
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