I woke up today contemplating suicide, again, and I was thinking about how it is so final. It's not just a step into the unknown (I'm not sure whether to believe in the afterlife or not), it's the last thing you will ever do on this earth, and it's one of the worse things you can do. There's nothing honorable about it, in fact it is downright shameful for you and your family. And it's forever too. I don't know anybody who died, but I saw a news story about Michael Jackson and It made me think how he was here and now he's gone forever, and it's sad. And I didn't even know the guy. Imagine how my family would feel for the rest of their lives that they wished I was still here, and feeling bad about me doing myself in. Maybe blaming themselves for it, too. And I know that people would care if I was gone, same as everybody else here, there are always people who love you, even if you don't know it or feel it. Right now I don't consider my life to be worth continuing, except for the sake of others. For 6 months I have been a hermit, staying inside my flat on the computer and not wanting to go outside or get a job. I don't see myself changing anytime soon, and I am just wasting my life, something I have done in one way or another for years. This is probably why I am feeling suicidal in the first place, because I don't have something to keep me here, besides obligation, and tv. I know that it would tear my family apart if I did commit suicide, and they may never get over it. So you would say the answer is to just not kill yourself right? I wish it were that simple. Nearly every waking moment I am thinking about it, and desiring it. I feel like I am being pulled down by an invisible force and I have to struggle to stay up. This feeling has been with me for a while now and isn't gonna go away anytime soon, I think. I'm glad I found this forum because the best way to deal with this is to talk about it, and this is a place that you can do it free of judgement. And maybe I can help other people feel better about themselves and convince them not to kill themselves, and that would give me a reason to live. We all have the ability to help others and it will give you a good feeling, and I believe that a few seconds of happiness can outweigh an hour of sadness. The thing to remember is that we do have a choice, and life is rarely as bad as we make it seem in our heads and our hearts. Suicidal thoughts give you a distorted view of the world, and it seems like a dark and cruel place. And at times it is, but for the most part the world is filled with good and loving people, and nearly everything you could ever want is on offer, if you can go out and grab it. Every single person on this forum is lucky. We have a warm bed to sleep in at night, people that care for us, and access to the whole world via the internet. There are a billion people in the world that are starving and without shelter, and nobody here is one of them. And yes we are still suffering, but at least we can find some sort of relief from that suffering, if only for a short while. And even if we are, it is only a small percentage of our lives that we do, the rest can be quite joyous and pleasant. There is a supreme balance to life, and for all the pain you feel, there will be just as much joy and happiness, either already experienced or waiting for us in the future. If you don't like the life you have, then don't end it, change it. Try something new. People adore God because he has the power to create and to change lives, but so do we. Plant a tree, write a poem, draw a picture. Even a few kind words for a friend or family member. It doesn't matter how small, it is your creation and nobody can take it away from you. Have faith in yourself, and know that you can make it. Don't give up. Your reason to live may be just around the corner.