Thoughts on these thoughts? *triggering*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hillside_with_flowers, Dec 12, 2013.

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  1. Yeah, I'm back.

    A situation at work has me thinking scary thoughts again, but it's the nature of these thoughts that seem weird. I have been obsessed--fantasizing--about using a painful method, but not being alone. I always want pain, so that is nothing new. But I want someone there, who doesn't know me well, but who understands my suffering and has come to care.

    The interesting part is that I am obsessed not with the method or the dying, but what happens to my body afterward.

    When I wanted to be placed on the hillside with flowers, it was the same thing. I wanted to be lovingly cleaned up, and carefully laid out, tenderly. This time, I want to have my eyes carefully closed, be bathed in a lake, and maybe even have my cheek caressed. Then, I want my lifeless body sent to the bottom, with my hair reaching up to the surface as I disappear from the earth and from existence.

    I know that I wouldn't feel any of this and that I would not even be aware of it. But it's still very important to me for whatever reason, in my fantasy.

    I do hate my body and feel unlovable and undeserving of this kind of care, since I am fat and ugly. Somehow, if I suffered like this and died, maybe I would deserve a kind send-off.

    I see myself as more lovable in death than in life.
  2. thecatlady

    thecatlady Member


    I don't know if I'm much help since I am very down and suicidal also. But it helps me a bit sometimes to read about situations similar to mine, so maybe it'll mean something to you to know there's someone else out there with similar feelings/thoughts.

    I'm also fat and ugly. When I fantasize about suicide (fantasize, not plan), I often imagine pain, too. I imagine I'm being beaten to death and left on the side of the road, something like that....When I actually plan suicide, I don't want there to be any pain and I'm terrified about not doing it correctly and messing myself up, but still living. I'm not sure if this is similar to what you do, but fantasizing suicide is different for me than planning it. When I plan it, I'm realistic. I plan which supplies I need, where to do it, whether to write a note and what to put in it, when to do it, what could go wrong, etc. When I fantasize about it, I do much the same as you do -- I imagine people finding the body, what they'll do, how they'll feel, etc.

    Mostly I'm just tired of being alone and friendless, and yet I impose the solitude on myself by avoiding social situations since they've caused me pain in the past.

    Well regardless, despite my own suffering, I don't enjoy hearing about the suffering of others, so I hope things look up for you eventually. I know just from my own perspective that saying something like that is so inadequate, but it's all I can think of to say.
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