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Thoughts/opinions on decision?

#1
I've become very confidant in my suicide decision over the past two month. It's turned from an emotionally based decision to one more akin to a logically based one (whether or not the logic is valid is understandably debatable)

My mom passed away last year, who I was close to and took care of. Ever since then, I've become a sort of "little engine that could" by starting a whole bunch of new life ventures. I started college, online dating, different avenues for making friends, and volunteering. Yet EVERY single one of these ventures failed so badly, and truthfully, I wasn't expecting that. I went into that process with cautious optimism and hope, and came out of it having experienced the knowledge that all career paths that would make me happy are not options for me, so I quit school, not getting a single date or even response from online dating (even after eliminating ALL filters and literally "liking" every.single. woman who I was matched with on multiple sites), attempts at friendships went poorly. The only friend I ever had quietly bowed out of my life (which I truly understand; I don't blame or resent her one bit for it, but it does hurt), and even the volunteering has been unpleasant given a good many of the staff treat me quite unkindly based off things they learned about me. On a previous suicide support post I wrote about a year ago on another site, every response I got, (9 in total) actually told me to kill myself in no uncertain terms based off of personal information I had divulged.

It's a really weird position to be in because my therapist, at the start of this process was very light-hearted and extremely optimistic about all of these ventures and my future. However, after they all failed and I started to feel hopeless, she started telling me that I shouldn't be looking for hope, it isn't healthy, and when I've brought up the conversation about what reasons there are for me to live, she tells me that we aren't going to get into that.
Obviously those responses don't make any sense from a therapist, especially one as kind as she is, OTHER than when viewed as her not being able to honestly see any hope for me and not having any honest reason to be able to give me to live.

I don't know what I hope from this, to be honest. I haven't, and can't give out pertinent information to my situation, making usable advice not really possible, and I don't feel comfortable with sympathy/empathy based off of the type of person I am.
But I still would welcome and appreciate any insights anyone may have. It can never hurt to get a second opinion on my decision before acting on it down the road.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#2
Suicide is not for you. You are in the process of learning about yourself and need to continue that venture. The more knowledge gained the more comfortable you will become with life. If it is hard to make friends then make a friend of yourself to find out why. Pay close attention to how others react to you and your personality to gain insight into yourself. I can't believe a therapist telling you to not seek hope. We all seek to find hope and meaning in our lives. Helping others is great work, caring for them and understanding them gains more knowledge of life. The reason most think of suicide is because they falsely believe there is no other choice when there are literally thousands of other choices they could make. Knowledge of self and others is paramount in living a successful life. I know you can do it, I will be your friend. Love.
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#3
First I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and can only imagine how difficult that has been especially since you were her caregiver. And as you said you have started to explore possibilities for a new chapter in your life. So please take to heart that you do matter and that you clearly have an inner strength as you cared for your mom. Just remember to be gentle on yourself and give yourself the time to figure out the possibilities for this new chapter. I was saddened that your therapist said there was no reason to hope... as I believe that there is always hope each day and for myself just relishing small moments of joy - such as watching the sunrise gives me hope.

I am glad that you found SF as here you will find an amazing group of individuals who can offer advice support and encouragement so I encourage you to keep posting and there is also a live chat if you want to talk to people in real time.
 

Aurores

Active Member
#4
It is normal to fail in life. I have failed countless times in for example friendships. No one ever stays interested enough in me for the so-called friendship to continue more than a few months. Like @Lekatt very wisely said, it’s better to try and find a reason for the failure and try to learn from it, rather than to give up and kill yourself. To continue with my example, I have finally understood that I’m not good at communicating my authentic self to others. I’m an interesting person, but if I’m too reserved to express it, people are not going to see it. So I encourage you to analyze these failures and try again. And by the way, a reason like “it’s because I’m a shitty person” is not a reason, it’s your wounded mind manipulating the truth.

It goes also without saying that life is never going to be perfect. There’s never going to be a situation where you have friends, good mental health, enough money, the perfect relationship, a nice job, and fulfilling hobbies at the same time. Something is always “wrong” and that’s just how life works unfortunately. That’s how it has been for me at least. Maybe what your therapist was trying to say is something along the lines of this? That it’s better not to expect everything to just fall in place one day? I don’t know, I’m just trying to interpret what she could have meant by that. It surely was poorly formulated because there is always hope for things to get better.

What I’m trying to say is that even though you failed, it’s definitely not the end. There is always going to be something “wrong” and missing. The point is that you’re not supposed to see it that way. You’re supposed to make the most out of what you have. I don’t have friends and I’m tired of trying even though I know the reason why. So I’ve filled the void with other things and I’ve finally reached a point where I can accept the situation: I can find meaning in other things, even if it’s “only” reading a great book, instead of having my lack of friends accelerate the suicidal thoughts. Maybe one day the situation will change, when I work on myself a bit more. Until that, I need to remain strong. I hope you will be able to stay strong too. Right now you might have failed in these ventures, but it’s not always going to be like that. Don’t kill yourself, try again. You probably won’t succeed in every single thing right away, but eventually you will succeed in at least some of them, and you're going to be happy that you are alive.

Also, you have lost your mother only last year, it’s been a short time from the point of view of the grieving process. Give yourself time and don’t be so hard on yourself. You are lost right now and that’s completely okay. You are in no hurry to figure everything out. I’m sending you hugs.
 
#5
Firstly, thank all of you so much for the very eloquent, insightful, and kind advice/words. I genuinely appreciate it. each of you said things I took to heart.
There is one thing though, I should clear up, which I didn't do a good job of expressing. In terms of friendships and relationships, I actually already know what the barriers are. One of which, admittedly, is very much a "me" thing that I just need to work on. However, unfortunately, the other thing, the much much bigger issue, is one I have no control over (anymore), and will last my lifetime, and will permanently impact my ability for relationships. (This is actually factual, not biased. I try to be careful and aware of what pieces of information are subjective vs objective).
And that has been the worst part. My life goal has always been to be a boyfriend or husband/have a wife, and I've learned how highly highly unlikely that will be. Even simply finding a girlfriend at all. So that kinda goes with the therapist saying the thing about hope, because she might be recognizing I have to give up on my one desire in life. And finding things to replace that will be just as difficult, again because of this "permanent thing".
And THAT has been a large contributor to the suicidal mindset; being told to settle for a lower quality life that I'm simply unwilling to accept, if that makes sense
 

JDot

1 Peter 5:7
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
Hey @Kirby Waltz It sounds like people haven't given you the love you need. Just know you're not alone. We've all suffered and we can empathize with others suffering. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. Whenever you need someone to talk to, you can always come here and go to the chat room or message me. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
 
#7
But I still would welcome and appreciate any insights anyone may have
Usually there's a way for things to get better so that you feel glad to be alive. While it would be helpful to know more details, most people who are suicidal can benefit from some form of treatment method. The links in my signature can connect you to some information. I'll post a copy here in case you're on a phone.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

If your health is good, other things like work and relationships tend to fall into place more easily.
all career paths that would make me happy are not options for me
Can you say more about this?
not getting a single date or even response from online dating
Most people report getting poor results from online dating. Please don't be discouraged. There's other paths to finding relationships.
 
#8
This is where I get frustrated with my situation, because saying more about why career paths are no longer viable starts getting into the things I can't talk about. :(
Also, I HAAAAAATE being a Debbie Downer, but the online dating issue is even more of an issue than simple "poor results", which is a fact I'm very discouraged and enbarassed about. Not only have I not gotten ANY replies out of LITERALLY about 200 random women (as I eliminated all filter preferences), I actually had some very hurtful and self esteem damaging moments and situations arise from it. And other avenues for relationships have been limited as well (though not impossible, just limited), but the chances of success there are just as slim.
I know other people in my situation hit similar barriers, I just never thought about them affecting me, and it's very "life discouraging".
However, even though I may have seemed to discount your thoughts, I promise I haven't. I appreciate them immensely!
 
#10
Also, I HAAAAAATE being a Debbie Downer
It's ok to talk about things that are negative. No one is expecting people not to talk about things like that here. Talking about difficult, stressful, and painful things and getting support for dealing with them is what SF is for.
Not only have I not gotten ANY replies out of LITERALLY about 200 random women (as I eliminated all filter preferences), I actually had some very hurtful and self esteem damaging moments and situations arise from it.
Sorry that the experience hurt you. Zero replies out of 200 may actually be pretty common though. I think a lot of people will join dating sites with no intention of actually going on dates, they just want to get contacts as a form of entertainment, or as an ego boost. I don't know what the self esteem damaging moments that arose from it were, but I'm sorry that this happened.
I appreciate them immensely!
You're welcome! :)
 
#11
The biggest barrier to relationship success (as I know all too well) is lack of self-confidence.
Unfortunately without success it's hard to gain confidence and without confidence there is no success so it's a Catch-22.
 

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