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Thoughts Out On Paper

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#1
Just entering a really horrible phase. Recently I've been crap, both feeling terrible and terrible to be around. Yesterday was the worst of it. I had cried the night before, and my mood dragged through the day. It came to resetting the rabbits pen and I just cried. I lay face down on the floor and sobbed. My boyfriend came up several times to try to hug me, tell me it would be okay. Every time I told him I needed to be alone. The amount of disgust and shame I felt to be like that, to be this crying mess on the floor. It's very rare I get to that point but recently times have been just awful.

I thought about past relationships, family, friends, romance. I drew a connection that in a lot of them, I was told that they cared, but they didn't. My dad said he loved me while he abused me. An ex said he loved me and then would leave me for a week without any talking, only to come back and tell me I was making him depressed. My Mum tried her best to care, she loves me deeply, but she wasn't ever there, she never had the chance to be there. People in high school pretended to like me but spread rumours and treated me like shit behind my back. Another ex said he cared but never showed interest, he was just lonely. I feel like they are the main points. Not everyone in my life has not cared - I've had a few people who really have. But I've had a lot of prominent figures who didn't. And so I figured it out, what drives all of this hate for myself.

I feel unlovable. I don't see anything in myself worthy of love.

This explains my low self worth, my social anxiety, my difficulty with confidence. Current boyfriend is understanding and has dealt with the full force of my mental health, and still shows me a lot of love. But it's hard for me to see how he loves me. I believe he does, but I don't see why, and at points, I don't think he should either. This puts strain on us when I'm in a bad way and I tend to see things wrong when I'm at my worst, I see him wanting to leave when he really doesn't or other things like that. I am unlovable. Even saying it, I feel that inner voice go "stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop making others feel sorry for you, you're attention seeking..." it just goes on.

On top, due to current things and also my mental state and anxiety, I can't leave my house anymore. I feel suffocated and destroyed by everything. I won't go into too much detail here about it, but it's hard.

Dad on my mind, nightmares (that I've managed to keep from boyfriend so far so as not to make him even more worried or stressed) are back. He knows where I am and there's no escape, either. Every night I sit and wonder if the noises outside are him. Even hugs are hard, both this and just the self hate I feel if I'm given a hug.

Still worried about family. I'm thinking of suicide more and more. I've not been taking my meds since an attempt in... June, I think? I cant remember exactly when. Not that the meds helped anyway, clearly. They just slowly wore away. I know, I know. Go back to the GP. But I always wimp out and get upset and feel ashamed and to be honest with the way things are in my area, I have no idea what or how anything will work. I feel like I've given up hope. What's the point? They'll put me back on sertraline and it still won't work, or they'll give me something else and the same will happen. Even my counsellor missed two of my emails. I feel forgotten about, again, unlovable. Honestly I don't want to do it anymore. I really want to die, I think about it all the time, but I never do it, because I'm scared. Scared of dying, scared of failing and the shame. I just hope my ever-growing weight will kill me instead.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
that was lengthy but very well written. i was able to get a snapshot of your life. it sounds like your bf really loves you. you are not unlovable. i think the first thing you should do is go to your doctor and let them help you. tell them the meds didn't work well. they will probably give you different meds. if you work closely with your doctor you should be able to get meds that work. and probably therapy will be a good idea for a while at least.

just telling you for info i had some people hurt me 4 decades ago and since then i have a hard time trusting people irl and making friends. it sounds like you are doing something smilar. you don't trust people to care about you because others have hurt you in the past. you need to open your heart and let people in again. you have to be careful but you can get better.

and it does hurt a man when his gf is upset and crying. i felt so bad anytime my wife cried unless she was pregnant of course. we want to hold our gf or wife and let them know they are loved. next time let your bf hold you, it'll be good for both of you. please don't be like me you can have so much happiness in life if you learn to trust again. if you ever want to talk feel free to use my inbox i hope you feel better soon...mike....*hug*shake
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#3
that was lengthy but very well written. i was able to get a snapshot of your life. it sounds like your bf really loves you. you are not unlovable. i think the first thing you should do is go to your doctor and let them help you. tell them the meds didn't work well. they will probably give you different meds. if you work closely with your doctor you should be able to get meds that work. and probably therapy will be a good idea for a while at least.

just telling you for info i had some people hurt me 4 decades ago and since then i have a hard time trusting people irl and making friends. it sounds like you are doing something smilar. you don't trust people to care about you because others have hurt you in the past. you need to open your heart and let people in again. you have to be careful but you can get better.

and it does hurt a man when his gf is upset and crying. i felt so bad anytime my wife cried unless she was pregnant of course. we want to hold our gf or wife and let them know they are loved. next time let your bf hold you, it'll be good for both of you. please don't be like me you can have so much happiness in life if you learn to trust again. if you ever want to talk feel free to use my inbox i hope you feel better soon...mike....*hug*shake
Thank you Mike, this was really meaningful advice and I will hold it close to my heart (and mind). It definitely helped my frame of mind, and I appreciate it so much.

Sending hugs

Em
 

Winslow

Siamese Twin
SF Supporter
#7
When I saw your thread entitled "Thoughts out on Paper," it makes me realize that oftentimes it's better for me when I literally use paper and pencil to express my thoughts. Instead of using a computer screen which is two-dimensional, it's better to use a paper and pencil which is three dimensional, as it emphasizes that I'm in the Real world. Also having it on paper makes it easier and faster to refer to, whenever I need affirmations.
 

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