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thoughts, reasons and should I or shouldn't I.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ritsu, Apr 11, 2011.

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  1. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    its been exactly a week since my failed attempt now and since then I have been wondering why it failed why am I still here and last but not least what sort of sick twisted joke is this that I have to keep going on I feel like such a hypocrite right now as I sit here typing this having tried to help people and tell them that they should not try it when all I really want is to end on my terms I have nothing left I wish to fight for I lost my soul mate I hate my job I will never get out of debt and I have a terminal disease which means I will die young in a lot of pain and being a burden to a care worker I don't want that I never want to be anyone's burden again I was as a child.
  2. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Your situation is clearly very dire and I would probably find it hopeless, too. Suicide is always an option for you, and it may be the one you ultimately choose.

    I would suggest, then, that you make sure it is a completely rational choice, fully understanding the consequences. Right now, I think I can guess that you aren't so suicidal that you'll be attempting tonight. You won't be acutely suicidal until whatever we say doesn't mean anything anymore, yet you've given us a chance to communicate with you. That's a good thing.

    Stay with us for now, and say what it is that's making you most want to die.
  3. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    Hmmm well most of I miss my soul mate I miss her more than words can explain my mind works like that of a wolfs and when a wolf loses there soul mate as wolfs mate for life the other slowly fades after due to a broken heart and thats pretty much how I feel right now I want to be with her and I can't be here I don't know if I will be with her if I die but my religion says we will be we are destined to be.
  4. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry you lost your love. How did it happen?
  5. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    her liver gave out on her and the docs could not do anything to stop it.
  6. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    ...Wow, Christ. That's horrifying. That's much worse than "We broke up." I didn't realize she died in a hospital.

    This was fairly recent, right? I've never experienced anything like that. That's horrible.

    Is that the only major reason you want to commit suicide?
  7. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    it was recant and no its not the only reason I have MS and I have been told by my doctors I will be lucky to see my 50th birthday and by my late 30s I will most likely be in a wheal chair and have to depend on a care worker and do not wish to be a burden to anyone I was already a burden to my parents as a child they may say they love me that they would not get rid of me for anything but I see parents with there kids losing there free time there ability to be independent and I just I see it as a burden and to have to put anyone through that I could not do it I am already 25.
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Well, we're close in age; I'm 24.

    MS = Multiple Sclerosis, I'm assuming. I'm starting to understand the severity of your thoughts of suicide.

    Many people in your situation begin to think of asking for euthanasia, which is becoming more and more common. Dealing with all of this must be incredibly difficult. My heart goes out to you, man.

    Is there anything else you want to tell me? I'll be heading to bed soon, but I still have a little time.
  9. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    unfortunately euthanasia is not legal in the UK so is not an option for me or I would of turned round last week when I was in the hospital and said I want it.

    I can not say if I am going to try again or not but its looking like I will and I will keep trying till it works I know how I am going to do it but I at least want to have some cigs so I can have my last cig before I go thats the only thing thats stopping me from trying tonight tbh its very depressing.
  10. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    It certainly sounds very depressing. I'm taken aback by everything you've told me.
  11. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    I just want it to be over I have written my letters have decided how it will happen but can I just say thank you for understanding.
  12. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    My father in law has MS. He is 59. My mother met him, and married him shortly thereafter, about eight years ago. His MS set in later on as far as I know. He then went into remission for a number of years. Out of the wheelchair, walking around problem free (more or less), even playing golf. He's the happiest man I've ever met. I honestly cannot comprehend his ability to see a good side of every single thing. Even when he relapsed some years ago and returned to the cane and wheelchair, his outlook on life hasn't changed.

    Last month he took a chance on a clinical trial of the new CCSVI surgery. I imagine you've probably heard of it, if not: it's a procedure intended to increase blood flow in the veins to and from the brain via balloon angioplasty and stents. The theory is that this limited blood flow may be a contributing factor to MS symptoms. Unfortunately he has not experienced any meaningful improvement to his own symptoms. Even so, still with the constant jokes and smiles. I look at him and want to ask, why? How can you possibly stay so positive?
  13. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    I wish I could be this positive but as I've said its not just my MS which is making me feel like this I have lost my soul mate as well and just want to be with her as well as not be a burden to anyone.
  14. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    I know, Ritsu. I know. :sad:
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know there isn't much I can say that will help your situation. Just want you to know I'm listening, I'm around if you feel like talking. And I'm really sorry for what you're going through.
  16. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    STOP!! as a parent there is no way I would see my son as a burden.
    Yes life would be different, free time would be a bonus, but if you think I would care......I WOULDN'T GIVE A SHIT!!!
    Think how you felt about your soul mate, what if she'd lived but had to be cared for 24/7, would you care? I bet the answer is a resounding no.
    Give the people who care about you a chance to show you their love . :hug:

    As to the loss of your soul mate, yep that one is a killer, mourn her and this make take a long time, but also hold onto the fact that at least you had that.
    So many people never have that kind of love and bonding.

    Meanwhile, we aint much but we will always offer an ear.
    My pm box is always open. :hug:
  17. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    :( I'm sorry I may of said it wrong and you may be right if my partner had survived and needed caring I would of done it but at the end of the day I don't think I can stop myself.
  18. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    well today it was made painfully clear to me that I do not want to go on anymore I am in constant physical and emotional pain and I just want to be with her.
  19. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    My heart is with you

    i honestly understand. i wish i didn't, but i truly do.

    ***hugs*** i am so sorry you too are going through this.

    My thoughts are with you as is my heart

  20. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    thank you Kali.
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