hi, I am 18 years old and this is my first post here. I feel bad about making it about myself but I guess this is what we're here for. I suffer from depression and go to therapy and take pills for it (20mg Lexapro, I should probably take more but I don't want to upset my parents). Almost every second of everyday I think about what it would be like if I was dead. Most of the time it is a practical, non-emotional, imagining of what the world would be like without me. I don't think it would lose much but I suppose all suicidal people think that. Sometimes the thoughts come from severe self hate. I feel like the lowest of the low. I can't describe it well but I'm sure some of you have felt it. The world would be better off if I was dead. I use up resources that other, better people need. That said I can't see myself actually going through with it. I'm too scared at the possibility of being dead. I suppose selfhate isn't enough to overcome apathy. I've never been abused and I'm not schizophrenic (I don't think) so I don't really have a reason to feel this way. My parents are together and they love me and we are comfortable financially. I recently withdrew from my freshman year of uni. I couldn't handle the work because of my state. Going to school was such a stress I felt like I was falling at a hundred miles per hour. It was probably a good decision and I feel more relaxed even though I also feel guilty about wasting time and money. Going to collage is something so many would kill for so why can't I handle it? I like my therapist. She is very nice but I have trouble admitting the extent of my problems. I have never told her about suicidal thoughts. I don't know if I could ever admit this to a person face-to-face. I know I really should so why can't I? I've never had a true friendship or romantic relationship. I want one so bad. I am very shy thanks to the aforementioned selfhate. I feel guilty about not reading, learning more, and exercising more during this break I have. I stay up late, sleep in late, and mostly surf the internet. This is bad but I'll probably break out of it. I don't know what else to say. I thought I had more but when I lay it out it seems juvenile. It is nice for someone to read this though. Every second I wish I was someone else or never born.