Thoughts (scatterbrained, it is 3AM)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by chanel, Dec 13, 2009.

  1. chanel

    chanel New Member

    hi, I am 18 years old and this is my first post here. I feel bad about making it about myself but I guess this is what we're here for. I suffer from depression and go to therapy and take pills for it (20mg Lexapro, I should probably take more but I don't want to upset my parents).

    Almost every second of everyday I think about what it would be like if I was dead. Most of the time it is a practical, non-emotional, imagining of what the world would be like without me. I don't think it would lose much but I suppose all suicidal people think that. Sometimes the thoughts come from severe self hate. I feel like the lowest of the low. I can't describe it well but I'm sure some of you have felt it.

    The world would be better off if I was dead. I use up resources that other, better people need. That said I can't see myself actually going through with it. I'm too scared at the possibility of being dead. I suppose selfhate isn't enough to overcome apathy.

    I've never been abused and I'm not schizophrenic (I don't think) so I don't really have a reason to feel this way. My parents are together and they love me and we are comfortable financially.

    I recently withdrew from my freshman year of uni. I couldn't handle the work because of my state. Going to school was such a stress I felt like I was falling at a hundred miles per hour. It was probably a good decision and I feel more relaxed even though I also feel guilty about wasting time and money. Going to collage is something so many would kill for so why can't I handle it?

    I like my therapist. She is very nice but I have trouble admitting the extent of my problems. I have never told her about suicidal thoughts. I don't know if I could ever admit this to a person face-to-face. I know I really should so why can't I?

    I've never had a true friendship or romantic relationship. I want one so bad. I am very shy thanks to the aforementioned selfhate.

    I feel guilty about not reading, learning more, and exercising more during this break I have. I stay up late, sleep in late, and mostly surf the internet. This is bad but I'll probably break out of it.

    I don't know what else to say. I thought I had more but when I lay it out it seems juvenile. It is nice for someone to read this though.

    Every second I wish I was someone else or never born.
  2. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I'm the same way, Chanel! My PM box is always open.
  3. MargaritaSalt

    MargaritaSalt New Member

    I feel like you, I just posted for the first time, and I have all these terrible feelings inside but as soon as I posted, everything seemed so trivial and stupid. It is hard to explain the terrible feelings inside. I also have loving parents and am financially okay. Sometimes I'm like...people would love to own a new home, new car, have kids, even have four working limbs, even to walk. I feel like I should be more appreciative of what I have, but instead these thoughts of suicide and horrible distress are the only thing I can see. I know how you feel, I am sorry you are going through this...