1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Thoughts (scatterbrained, it is 3AM)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by chanel, Dec 13, 2009.

  1. chanel

    chanel New Member

    hi, I am 18 years old and this is my first post here. I feel bad about making it about myself but I guess this is what we're here for. I suffer from depression and go to therapy and take pills for it (20mg Lexapro, I should probably take more but I don't want to upset my parents).

    Almost every second of everyday I think about what it would be like if I was dead. Most of the time it is a practical, non-emotional, imagining of what the world would be like without me. I don't think it would lose much but I suppose all suicidal people think that. Sometimes the thoughts come from severe self hate. I feel like the lowest of the low. I can't describe it well but I'm sure some of you have felt it.

    The world would be better off if I was dead. I use up resources that other, better people need. That said I can't see myself actually going through with it. I'm too scared at the possibility of being dead. I suppose selfhate isn't enough to overcome apathy.

    I've never been abused and I'm not schizophrenic (I don't think) so I don't really have a reason to feel this way. My parents are together and they love me and we are comfortable financially.

    I recently withdrew from my freshman year of uni. I couldn't handle the work because of my state. Going to school was such a stress I felt like I was falling at a hundred miles per hour. It was probably a good decision and I feel more relaxed even though I also feel guilty about wasting time and money. Going to collage is something so many would kill for so why can't I handle it?

    I like my therapist. She is very nice but I have trouble admitting the extent of my problems. I have never told her about suicidal thoughts. I don't know if I could ever admit this to a person face-to-face. I know I really should so why can't I?

    I've never had a true friendship or romantic relationship. I want one so bad. I am very shy thanks to the aforementioned selfhate.

    I feel guilty about not reading, learning more, and exercising more during this break I have. I stay up late, sleep in late, and mostly surf the internet. This is bad but I'll probably break out of it.

    I don't know what else to say. I thought I had more but when I lay it out it seems juvenile. It is nice for someone to read this though.

    Every second I wish I was someone else or never born.
  2. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I'm the same way, Chanel! My PM box is always open.
  3. MargaritaSalt

    MargaritaSalt New Member

    I feel like you, I just posted for the first time, and I have all these terrible feelings inside but as soon as I posted, everything seemed so trivial and stupid. It is hard to explain the terrible feelings inside. I also have loving parents and am financially okay. Sometimes I'm like...people would love to own a new home, new car, have kids, even have four working limbs, even to walk. I feel like I should be more appreciative of what I have, but instead these thoughts of suicide and horrible distress are the only thing I can see. I know how you feel, I am sorry you are going through this...