Thoughts - (Uncensored)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AE86, Apr 22, 2012.

  1. AE86

    AE86 New Member

    Not sure if this is against the rules, but I will have some very bag language in this thread. What comes to mind is what I will write.

    I've just had enough of this shit. Every fucking day it's the same thing. I go to school, I get called a bitch, a pussy, a dick. Why? I don't even know, and those are what my so called "friends" call me. I can't go to anyone else because I'm not accepted anywhere else. So it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I stopped hanging around them, but now I take my lunch to some secluded area, with no one to talk to. Nothing to do. These mother fuckers think that i's all fun and games, but when I come to school with the <Mod Edit, WildCherry>, then we will see how fun it is.

    At the age of 12 the thought of suicide crept in my mind. At the age of 7 I tried to kill my sister. At that same age I've been plotting to run away. Anger seems like the only thing I have to turn to. Hatred and confusion are my friends. It seems as though they are the only one that I can talk to. I come home to the same thing everyday, I get yelled at for grades, for my room, for my "bad" behavior and yet I can't tell them that I'm suicidal, thinking about it every day.
    I remember when I confessed that I wanted to kill my mother and father that one night. I was 13.

    I'm not sure if I'm crazy but I thought I was insane in a time. Everything I thought of became reality. I would think it and somehow a reference to it would be right in my face. I grew bi-polar. I was happy then sad, then mad, then annoyed. I would see things in the world. I would see black spaces. Pitch black spaces. Glitches almost in the world. These things made me think that I was in a world on my own. That everything was being made as I walked. I started making a theory that literally everything was revolving around me. I would walk and a circle of eyesight would be the only thing that was actually there. That even on the internet, as I post this for instance, I would be creating you to respond to it.

    This motherfucker needs to leave. I'm tiered of him. My Uncle. Every time I go to my grandparents house, he has to say shit about me. He calls me a ******, gay, a loser, lazy. And yet this fat fuck is sitting at his mom and dad's everyday at a god damn computer, divorced and with no fucking son. He has nothing but the same fucking T-Shirts on and yet he thinks he knows every fucking thing because he has a fucking flimsy piece of shit paper with Duke written on it.

    The thoughts of mass killings at my school became greater... I'm tiered now. I have a headache. Ending this for today.
  2. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    Yeah. I used to fantasize about what I would do if I ever went to school with a gun. It was satisfying in my head, I had it all planned out. But I always knew that it was just wrong. I could never get over the fact that no matter how clean I made it for people who werent on my list (yes I had a list), I would probably really fuck them up psychologically. It was just wrong no matter how I tried to justify it. The rage I felt against everyone around me was almost palpable, I hated everyone, everything, and for every reason. I still kind of do, but the fantasies about killing people are gone four years later. (im a junior in high school). They stopped when I got into high school.

    In a nutshell, I know what you're going through for the most part. Shoot me a PM if you want to talk.
  3. gem77

    gem77 Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry you feel like that. i used to have those thoughts, still do sometimes, they amuse me a little. i'd usually get a real kick out of my so-called fantasies especially when watching something that gave me ideas. But thats just it they're ideas, in my head, i don't think i'd ever feel like i had to carry them out even though there were moments when it sounded appealing. i think most of us gets like this, we all need a release. i wish i'd been confident to out-whit them and make them feel ridiculous but you know for me getting my head down and just hoping to get quietly through it was my approach.