Thoughts while drinking

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RowanBlack, Jul 31, 2016.

  1. RowanBlack

    RowanBlack Member

    To be completely honest I feel guilty coming to this website. I haven't used it much but I find I only ever use it at all when I need it. I don't think that I've put back into the community what I hope to get out of it. But besides that I also feel that there isn't much that I can get here or anywhere less for that matter. My depression has changed over the years. Before it was something akin to the more textbook teenage angst that should hopefully pass with puberty or some such emotional development in life but alas it has vigorously clung to me despite efforts to coax it away.

    The form it takes now seems rational rather than simply a subjective douse of emotional turmoil that can be explained away. Now it is a solidified essence and being all to its own that crept upon me in my most desperate of hours that find themselves far to common. An example is that I used to drink to feel better or to have fun. Now I find that I drink because I have to. I can't stand to make it through a night without either cutting or drinking and sometimes both. I'm drunk right now. In fact if I were not drunk I don't know if I would have even come here to this website. That is a discussion for another time.

    Its like a place in life I never thought I would be. I look at my life and I look at who I am and I feel like a sad and depressing troupe for a sitcom that would get laughs for simply being. It is not a mantle I am strong enough to bear. I am simply not emotionally proficient to exist in such a state. I can't figure a way out of it either. Its not that I have no hope of getting out of it but mentally I cannot picture a best case scenario where I can be rid of the roll.

    I"ve had plans for suicide. Part 1 is to quit my job and sever ties with my friends/family and move somewhere disconnected where I can live for a short period so that they can be rid of me for a while. Step 2 is to find a decent way to kill myself. Best way would be so the don't find or cannot recognize the body. If at all possible in a perfect would my family would just think that I had gone missing or haven't heard from me in a few years. I care about them and I know that they would be to a degree sad if I were to kill myself. I also don't want anything grandiose. Many people want to be remembered or go out in a meaningful way. I don't. If I could I would rather simply slip away unnoticed and forgotten.
     
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't need to feel guilty about using SF when you need it - that is what we are here for.

    If you have a drink problem, the first thing to do is to address that. Addiction on top of depression is a lot for anyone to handle. Are you seeing a doctor? If not, you need to, You don't have to deal with what you are dealing with alone.

    Not being able to picture a scenario that would feel bearable is a common issue with depression. It is hard not to feel suicidal when you look at the future and see nothing, in any configuration of possibilities, that would lead to you feeling anything other than the blackness. The thing is, though, that depression lies to us. If it is treated effectively, it is possible to find that thing on the horizon again that brings light. It is different for different people - and finding it is tricky at the best of times. While suffering from depression it is near on impossible.

    Please see a doctor and do some good things for yourself. Get help for the alcoholism. Give yourself the chance you deserve.
     
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I agree with Freya. A good first step would be getting help with the alcohol. My brother got treatment and stopped drinking. It totally changed his life. His vastly improve relationships with his daughter and grandkids has really brought joy to his life. Alcohol can be beat, and leaving it behind is life transforming.

    As to just vanishing somewhere, so the family never knows what happens to you. Not so neat an idea. They would still mourn your loss. Even more so, because of not knowing where you went or what happened.
     
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  4. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I went from wanting a drink to needing one. I understand . You can talk to us. I'm here for now...
     
  5. JJRiggers

    JJRiggers Member

    Whoa man I total feel where you coming from, I'm pretty much the same except I don't cut. I've found when I'm gonna get blackout drunk, I lock myself inside, turn off my phone & laptop and put my keys my underwear drawer, which saves me from doing/saying something stupid to something I care about when I'm drinking. Learned I had to do that the hard way. I don't have any advice as I'm pretty much on the same boat, just wanna say you're not alone, hang in there!