To be completely honest I feel guilty coming to this website. I haven't used it much but I find I only ever use it at all when I need it. I don't think that I've put back into the community what I hope to get out of it. But besides that I also feel that there isn't much that I can get here or anywhere less for that matter. My depression has changed over the years. Before it was something akin to the more textbook teenage angst that should hopefully pass with puberty or some such emotional development in life but alas it has vigorously clung to me despite efforts to coax it away. The form it takes now seems rational rather than simply a subjective douse of emotional turmoil that can be explained away. Now it is a solidified essence and being all to its own that crept upon me in my most desperate of hours that find themselves far to common. An example is that I used to drink to feel better or to have fun. Now I find that I drink because I have to. I can't stand to make it through a night without either cutting or drinking and sometimes both. I'm drunk right now. In fact if I were not drunk I don't know if I would have even come here to this website. That is a discussion for another time. Its like a place in life I never thought I would be. I look at my life and I look at who I am and I feel like a sad and depressing troupe for a sitcom that would get laughs for simply being. It is not a mantle I am strong enough to bear. I am simply not emotionally proficient to exist in such a state. I can't figure a way out of it either. Its not that I have no hope of getting out of it but mentally I cannot picture a best case scenario where I can be rid of the roll. I"ve had plans for suicide. Part 1 is to quit my job and sever ties with my friends/family and move somewhere disconnected where I can live for a short period so that they can be rid of me for a while. Step 2 is to find a decent way to kill myself. Best way would be so the don't find or cannot recognize the body. If at all possible in a perfect would my family would just think that I had gone missing or haven't heard from me in a few years. I care about them and I know that they would be to a degree sad if I were to kill myself. I also don't want anything grandiose. Many people want to be remembered or go out in a meaningful way. I don't. If I could I would rather simply slip away unnoticed and forgotten.