Do you know those thoughts that just rack your brain night after night? The ones that make you want to go cowar in a cornor and cry like a scared animal? The thoughts that make you want to just go and cut out every brain cell you have to make you stop and forget? I can't stand them anymore. The thoughts about Rick. The first guy I ever loved. How he just kept disapearing. Leaving me when I need him the most. He's never going to understand all the pain he caused me. The pain that will never go away. How I just can't get over the fact that I loved him and I gave him everything in my own humanly power that I could give him. My mind won't allow those memories of all the times he just disapeared and showed up when everything was going wrong and he just made them worse. I cried night after night hopeing he'd stick to his word that he'd love me still and not hurt me again, but he always did. He always hurt me again and again and again. I couldn't understand it. Why had he purposly hurt me time and time again. I still don't understand it. I just wanted to kill myself over and over again everytime he left and made me cry more. I still haven't gotten over him.. and he's the reason that my trust in men as just... almost disapeared... Then there are the thoughts about the thoughts about rick.... How everything just seems to be so horriable.. and how I just want to be happy but can't because no one wants to see what I really am.. not that I'm the girl who just decides she doesn't want to do it.. im the girl who doesn't do it because she knows if i do i'll get hurt.... why can't they just understand that.. why can't anyone just understand when i say i want to just cry why do they just keep pushing and pushing until i break even more? Why am I still here?