Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ediciussievol, Jan 9, 2009.

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  1. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    I've liked coming here from time to time. I'm getting to the point where I've had my ups and downs, and I'm getting tired of the "ups", because they lead me to... here. I don't mean "here" as in this website, I mean "here" as in this place inside.

    I'm divorced now. Two children. What kind of freaking worthless human being divorces their husband when the child is 6 months old? And then lets him be raised by said husband's best friend?

    What kind of peice of shit woman sleeps with my best friend over and over while I am trying to recover in a crisis center knowing my wife and family are leaving me? That's what drove me there in the first damn place. Knowing there was some asshole moving in, and not knowing who it was... and then finding out after I get out... nice pie in the face there, huh.

    Now here I am, happy as hell, right? Trying to put on this great christian image of what I am supposed to be doing, and no strength to do it.

    Marriage is fucked, the church is in bed with it by doing NOTHING to curb what is going on.

    I think about the pastor that will marry my wonderful adulterous ex-wife and her new soon to be husband... and consider him a complete waste of sperm.

    It's just more money for the offering plate... buy off those sins, eh?

    "Adultery is forgiveable" the wife self-righteously proclaims... well bitch, so is suicide then, eh?

    I am so fucking twisted right now... I'm only human... and I'm trying my best to deal with things...

    Nothing like past due child support staring you in the face... hard to keep a job when you're fucking SUICIDAL...

    And I'm the dumb bastard that can't even seem to be able to handle taking care of my 1 year old boy without freaking out.

    What a waste. No woman will want a guy like me... without wanting something "extra"... money? Car? Always is that way... always fucking will be. The new husband to be is a "good provider"... that's nice... so was I... just not as much money there. Fuck money. Where I'm going won't need it anymore... take all you want that I have then... I won't be needing it.

    I think guys like me should just die and get it over with... make room for all those coveted "alpha males". Even the biology of it all is retarded.

    I almost feel like ending it all will be my way of giving the big finger to nature... how fucking retarted. I'd laugh out loud if it wasn't true.

    Jesus, I hate everything... and everyone... I've struggled all of my life, and at 40 I'm still a "boy" inside... all because being a man is the unpardonable sin from my man hating single mother who raised me.

    Why the FUCK was I even allowed to be born to see any of this... without any tools, resources, or hope to deal with it.

    I admit, I'm angry at God... and love Him at the same time... I know my view of Him is all fucked up... I wish it weren't... I wish it was healthy.

    Hell, I wish I was healthy. All I am is broken and alive.

    I wish I had faith, and hope. I really do. I've prayed for it... I can't get over it... I believed in marriage... one man, one woman, one family for life.

    With my broken dreams... what do I care about a better tomorrow? A happy second change at marriage and love? I spit at it. Straight in the fucking face.

    Hell I read on the internet that women are happier alone. You know, men are shit... and I am one of them... what a fucking mistake I am... all you fucking feminists WIN, ok? I'm going out, OK? Now leave me in PEACE... if there is any justice, I'll be waiting upstairs with a BAT for when you get here.

    Men are this, men are that... are there any REAL men? Men, men, men, men, men. We are all so damn EVIL, aren't we? Responsible for ALL bad things... always will be, right? We are the abusers, the molesters, the don't provide well enough, damned if you do, damned if you dont... I get the impression women would be better off without us.

    Hey, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Ah, the story of my life... in a beautiful quote by none other than my hero (pukes) Gloria Steinam.

    Well ladies... we are dirt, aren't we? Well, here's one mother fucker you won't be sexually tempted by nor can blame...

    I'm about sick of it all, and frankly I think there is one cure, and one alone.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear about what has been going on in your life. Please take the time you need to pull yourself back together. you can still be there for your children. Even if things didn't go the way you wished they would in the past, it doesn't have to be that way in the present or future. I do not view men the way you have posted. there are good and bad in all people regardless of their gender. You are worth far more than you give yourself credit for.
  3. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    That's some pretty heavy shit man... Definitely not easy to deal with.

    Do what you see fit, but maybe it's time for a "do over" if you can let the guilt go. At least maybe take some time to make your life something you enjoy for a while, without worrying too much about the wife or even the kids. The kids will be there if and when you come around and can approach parenthood in a way that's good for you and them.

    You've been hit by the life truck pretty hard. Be selfish for a bit - and I don't mean be selfish and kill yourself - maybe be selfish and do some things you want to do (other than kill yourself). Take some classes? Go climb a mountain?
  4. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    For what it's worth, there are alpha males who end up where you are too, if life hits them the wrong way enough times.
  5. mystereo2099

    mystereo2099 Well-Known Member

    don't forget you're the one w/the penis. if you've ever looked at it, it looks like a spear. you're the male, you're alpha.

    killing yourself would be selfish to the kids methinks - but me is judgement impaired atm.

    keep on keepin on
  6. For what its worth I understand... I was obsessed with proving the feminists wrong for a long time in my teens... and in the end I realised that most feminist literature (as an example) is written to make sure that future females never forget that they ARE equal, and isnt directed at men, its just a message to future female that they can be angry and fight/maintain there rights, something that society has never stopped men doing...

    Try to remember that by being part of the cycle (like we all are) your genetics are just as important as anyone else's, and the 'Alpha Male' idea is widly discreditied, and based in the Victorian/Nazi idea of perfection... when recient research shows that nature covets variety and not for one man to populate the earth over all others.

    Also if your 1 year kid is male, your suicide would only give him the same complex of 'Men are Weak pointless etc...' and if your kids female your leaving the gate open for those feminists you so dispise to convert your girl to there ranks...

    Even if you cant see your way clear for yourself, do it for them...


    -J- :sadwave:
  7. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear things are so bad for you my friend. Don't let go of the fact that your son needs you. Thoughts of my daughter and friends stopped me at new year when I was right on the edge. Here if you need to chat. Simon.
  8. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    I've tried. I am so tired. I feel so old. I don't feel 38, but 68.

    I don't have fight in me anymore. That is simple truth.

    I just don't care.

    All I loved... my greatest wish, was to grow in love with my family.

    To be loved by, and to love them all.

    To me, my family was everything. I still love my wife, and it doesn't matter.

    I just wasn't ever good enough, or knew to show how much I loved them all. I have always suffered from that, and always hid partly behind a wall.

    I wonder why it is that what we all desperately need, which is love, is only able to be received when we are not wounded, and can freely partake of it.

    It seems cruel to me.

    I just want to sleep.

    If I don't post again, I just want to say it was nice getting to know you all.

    I have enjoyed sharing my feelings with you.
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