Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by total eclipse, Oct 20, 2009.

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  1. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dealing with the thoughts of my brothers suicide that was oct 29 last year
    i wonder if he is still alone or if he is with relatives if he is anything at all
    I wish i could go away so i didn't feel this pain anymore
    I wonder about my daughter if she would be better off without my presence she would have to be strong and independant of me if i left
    i fight this pain everyday every dam day i want out somehow let me out of this cage so i can breath i can't breath. i don't want to be locked up or out i don't want people judging me anymore i just want to breath. please god forgiveme please.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Violet your daughter needs you here to help her through her problems right now so that she can one day become independent. After some of your other posts it would appear that you are about the only one that sees she's still is in crisis. And she needs you here to fight for her until she can fight for herself.

    I truly believe that there is something after this life. Another state of being. And I believe that we are allowed to still be connected to those we leave behind. So your brother is there hun. Watching and loving you.

    Please violet try to get even an hour for yourself each day. I know it's not much when everything else is so overwhelming. But even an hour to just sit, enjoy a coffee and just stare at the dust collecting. You not only need it but so deserve it. Please dont give up, you're too badly needed for those that arent as strong as they need to be.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    thanks for saying this i am trying so hard to stay here it hurts so much i want to do whats right by her. You understand i think while others wouldn't i oh please god please i just dono't want to screw her up any more she deserves her independance yet with me here she won't get it. Everytime they try to seperate her from me she panicks she just cannot cope This is my fault i did all her fighting for her i overprotected her i thought i was being a good mother a mother that gave her time a mother that fought everyone to get her daughter help a mother oh god i didn't let her grow i forgot to let her grow. Now at 20 and with this dam mental illness on top of it all she is struggling to survive
    She needs to know she can survive without me just as i survived without anyone i had too because nooooe was there. The fighter had to now she will have to Do you understand if i leave she will have to start to be a fighter like i did I would do anything for her i try to tell them all it is about her and her life not mine i don't care about me why don't they understand i don't care abt me just about my girl. quit telling me its about me it isn't i don't want her or need her i don't need anyone do you hear me i don't need anyone so stop saying i need her because i don't i need her to be free and independant of me okay she needs a life of her own. Please god help her she deserves to be happy she is kind and caring she deserves so much i just can't seem to give her.
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

  5. TaraB3ar

    TaraB3ar Well-Known Member

    My mother tried to kill herself, she was within an inch of death and the only reason she is here is because I found her in time. Please dont leave your daughter. I dont want to make you feel guilty, I am sorry you are in pain and I dont want you or anyone to have to suffer but trust me your daughter is better with you here. I shutter thinking how much worse my life would be if my mom had died. You can be the example for her violet if she sees you not give up that will show her that she can be strong too. My mom said the only thing she would have regretted was leaving me, but her saying that doesn't make me feel better. I feel worse because I know she thought about me and tried to leave me anyway. You say you want to give her independence but thats not how she'll see it. Like I said I really am not trying to make you feel guilty or anything but I just want you to know that she is DEFINITELY better with you here, loving her.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i see my Therapist friday it seems so far away but i will talk to him i know he will wa nt me to get help I just want my daughter to be well. She is doing better but i still see signs and i am frightened for her. If it weren't for this dam pain this awful feeling I am sorry i will be alright yesterday was so bad this morning i am better it is quiet here now. everyone is sleeping. Thanks TaraB3r Chargette and Itmahanh i will be okay my therapist will get my mind straight for me on friday. Im sorry i really am i need to stay strong stay the fighter for a while longer thats all. take care okay please stay strong.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    ((BIG BEAR HUG)) for you Violet... I know that sometimes just having someone to hug helps.. So I am sending you mine!! Behind you all the way...
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks Stranger1 for the hugs i am okay now. sometimes i just need a good swift kick or a punch hmmmm hugs something i never got thanks for that one. Today another day running everyone to appts oh well at least i am kept busy and out of my head. sending hugs back to you just thinking about the horses running free.:horse:
  9. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    well im not going to give you a swift kick or a punch lol but i WILL send you these :hug: :arms: :hugtackles: :wub:
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thanks:reub: im hugged up good now
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