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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Nov 10, 2010.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    So i think i've been doing pretty good for the most part. i've stopped all drugs i hardly ever drink anymore, i only have to go to therapy once every two weeks now and i only have to see my psychiatrist once every three months. But recently i don't know what's up with my head again, it's weird for me to be thinking such dark thoughts again, i'm not used to it anymore, i've been cutting again, and drinking a bit more often, and going on hour long walks in the middle of the street hoping someone will hit me, and i don't even really know why, i think by now i'm completely over my ex, i have a friend in school, i have friends i text, i go to an afterschool club every tuesday, the only thing really terrible that's happened recently is my life friend committing suicide, RIP Ami, and i don't even think the true effects of that have hit me yet, I'm sincerely confused at what i feel these days, i'm even more paranoid now than i ever was and i got put on more anxiety meds to try and help it but it hasn't done anything, i'm pretty sure it bugs the shit out of someone, but i don't know how to not be paranoid, i wish i did though, i really wish i did. I've pretty much stopped telling people how i really feel and what i'm really thinking, and what i want to do, it's not worth the fight to me. If it's something i really want i don't want anyone to try and stop me. and they can't if i don't tell them right? but then i feel guilty, but she never really tells me what's up either, so idk, and plus, i'm thinking she's going to completely stop talking to me soon, before it was fine talking to her i really loved it, i love her, but now she doesn't know how she feels and it's confused me and to a point i guess it's kind of weird talking to her because i'm trying not to say anything lovey and that's hard for me to do i guess. So we don't really talk about much anymore and our conversations are short, so idk if it's just me being paranoid or not this time. Today would've been my one year anniversary with my would've been fiance, and normally people would be upset about it? but i'm not upset that she's not with me anymore, i'm just curious as to how we made it as far as we did i guess and i'm questioning what it would've been like if we were still together, but i think today i've gotten rid of everything she's ever given me, and everything that had a memory of her with it. i threw out the last box today and it felt good, i have no pictures of her no texts no presents no notes or letters or cards or even envelopes, nothing. and i have to admit it felt really good lol I'm going to go on another walk in a minute and i'm not sure what my emotion is right now so i'm not sure where i'll walk or even where i'll go, but it's become habit by now to go out walking every day. I'm going to my mom's house to celebrate thanksgiving and i'll get to spend ten days with my beautiful baby sister, shes growing up so fast and she gets prettier every day. and i think i'm going to end this post now because i don't know how long it is at this point >.<
    thanks for always being there for me to all my friends on sf
    :wub: (is hoping that emote works)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your thought are back you need to tell you pdoc about them your therapist as well . You need to tell them about your best friend and her suicide how it has affected you so weather you know it or not

    You need your meds changed a bit maybe but i think you need to get things out in the open with your therapist. Get talking okay let it all out and get help NOW okay don't let the thoughts take over because it is too dam hard to stop them when it gets to crazy. Please phone you therapist and pdoc and get earlier appt and TALK to them really talk okay

    I am so sorry you lost your best friend that way it must have and is still hurting you greatly.