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Thread For Terry lol

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Marshmallow, Apr 14, 2007.

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  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    After hearing how much Terry laughed at headline post in the 'Dumb Quote' thread. I decided to make Terry a thread from a website John sent me. Me and John have been sitting on skype cracking up so hopefully you'll like em. ^^

    Funny Family Fortunes Answers​

    Something that makes you close your eyes: "Dark.."

    Something that comes in pairs: "Rabbits.."

    A way of toasting someone: "Over a fire.."

    A Boy's name beginning with the letter J: "Gerald.."

    An instrument you can play while walking in the street: "A cello.."

    A type of oil: "Sewing-machine oil.."

    A word beginning with Z: "Xylophone.."

    A slang word for a girl: "Slag.."

    An animal with horns: "A bee..."

    A medieval weapon: "Hand-grenade.."

    Something made of wool: "A sheep.."

    Something a bridegroom might wear: "A dress.."

    Someone you wouldn't expect to see in a strip club: "Animals.."

    An animal with a long tail: "A rabbit.."

    Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: "A magnifying glass.."

    Something you put out for the birds: "Worms.."

    A way to prevent snoring: "Put a pillow over his face.."

    A word used to describe a very hot day: "A very hot day.."

    A song from 'The Sound Of Music': "Dancing Queen.."
    (Also from the same family: "I wake up each morning..", "The skies are blue..", and "Over the hills and far away..")

    Someone who works early hours: "A burglar.."
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Something made to be wheeled around: "A hammer.."

    A reason for kneeling: "To be beheaded.."

    A nickname for a slim person: "Slimmy.."

    A measurement of liquid: "Paint.."

    Something that's nice to wear next to your skin: "Pants.."

    A famous Dick: "Carrot.."

    A wild animal that's native to Britain: "A bear.."

    Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: "Feeds your pets.."

    Something that comes in 7's: "Fingers.."

    A vocalist known by only one name: "Michael Jackson.."

    A yellow fruit: "Orange.."

    An animal beginning with B: "Bullfrog.."

    Something associated with Liverpool: "The Yellow Brick Road.."

    A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: "Little Red Riding Hood.."

    Something associated with Queen Victoria: "Her husbands.."

    Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: "Your legs.."

    A place you would keep a pen: "A zoo.."

    Something you beat: "An apple.."

    Something associated with rain: "Water.."

    An animal that lives in the English countryside: "A lion.."
  3. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Something you make into a ball: "Eggs.."

    A game that uses a black ball: "Darts.."

    A popular TV soap: "Dove.."

    Other than 'carrier', a type of bag: "Horse.."

    Something you might find in a garage: "a grand piano.."

    Something a Frenchman would say Answer: "On Garde.."

    A fast animal: "A hippo.."

    Something you keep in the garden: "A cat.."

    Something that gives you goosebumps: "Mumps.."

    A character from Little Red Riding Hood: "Hansel and Gretel.."

    Something that has a shell: "Batman.."

    Any dance apart from the waltz: "The ball dance.."

    Something a policeman might say: "Spread 'em.."

    Something that frightens Dracula: "The King of the Vampires.."

    A non-living object with legs: "A plant.."

    A sign of the Zodiac: "April.."

    An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: "Andy Pandy.."

    A mode of transport that you can walk in: "Your shoes.."

    An animal with big ears: "A bear.."

    Something you do on water: "Wallpaper.."
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    A musical instrument you can play in the bath: "A drum kit.."

    Something associated with Egypt: "Cigars.."

    A part of your body you only have one of: "Your big toe.."

    Something you pull: "A potato.."

    An animal used as a form of transport: "A turtle.."

    A famous Phil or Philip: "Phil Johnson.."

    A habit people try to give up: "Spitting.."

    A Thunderbirds character: "Doctor Spock.."

    Another TV gameshow with the word 'family' in the title: "The Generation Game.."

    A seaside resort on the south coast: " Rio de Janeiro.."

    Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

    Something with a red light on it: "a Dalek.."

    Something that makes you scream: "A squirrel.."

    A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: "Chips.."

    A type of record: "A floppy disk.."

    A type of large cat: "Persian.."

    A job that a working dog does: "A slave.."

    Something people might be allergic to: "Skiing.."

    An occupation where you need a torch: "A burglar.."

    A well known superstition: "Running in front of a car.."
  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Something you use a microchip in: "A fish-fryer.."

    A dangerous race: "The Arabs.."

    A game played in the dark: "Charades.."

    Some famous brothers: "Bonnie and Clyde.."

    A jacket potato topping: "Jam.."

    A part of the body you have more than two of: "Arms.."

    Something you find on a fire engine: "Coal.."

    A famous royal: "Mail.."

    Something you do before going to bed: "Sleep.."

    An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: "A horse.."

    An animal you see at the zoo: "Dog.."

    Something you might do in a power cut: "Read a book.."

    A famous Parisian landmark: "Hawaii.."

    One of Harry Enfield's characters: "Sooty.."

    A famous Irishman: "Disraeli.."

    The first place detectives look for fingerprints: "The floor.."

    Something you associate with the sea: "A coffin.."

    A famous Arthur: "Shakespeare.."

    A type of cut: "Skull.."

    A weapon in the game of Cluedo: "Dice.."
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Something people take to the beach: "Turkey.."

    A reason someone digs a hole in the road: "Grave digger.."

    An ingredient in chicken stuffing: "Chicken.."

    Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: "His name.."

    A bird with a long neck: "A blackbird.."

    A bird with a long neck (2): "Naomi Campbell.."

    An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: "Underpants.."

    Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: "The lamps.."

    Something you keep in a garden shed: "A gardener.."

    A song with moon in the title: "Blue Suede Moon.."

    A famous cowboy: "Buck Rogers.."

    A famous Wild-West character: "Wild Bill Eacock.."

    Something you'd associate with the three bears: "Red Riding Hood.."

    Fruit used in fruit salad: "Cucumber.."

    Something you wear on the beach: "A deckchair.."

    A method of cooking fish: "Cod.."

    Something you borrow from your partner: "Shoes.."

    A part of the body beginning with N: "Knee.."

    A famous Scotsman: "Vinnie Jones.."

    A famous Scotsman (2): "Jock.."
  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Something red: "My cardigan.."

    A kind of ache: "Fillet-o-fish.."

    Something you open other than a door: "Your bowels.."

    Something with a hole in it: "A window.."

    Something you do in the bathroom: "Decorate.."

    Something you put on walls: "Roofs.."

    A domestic animal: "A leopard.."

    Something that floats in the bath: "Water.."

    Something in the garden that's green: "The shed.."

    Something a blind man might use: "A sword.."

    The last thing you take off before going to bed: "Your feet.."

    Something that flies without an engine: "A bicycle with wings.."
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Will add some more in later on :tongue:

    Sorry for the amount of post's wanted to make it so it wasn't one LONG one lol
  9. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :hysterica :rolleyes:
  10. Edicius si Evol

    Edicius si Evol Well-Known Member

    We have that show in Germany too.
    It is called "Familienduell" here.

    They also made a show about the most stupid answers ppl gave here.

    Something you only wash once a week : "Feet"

    Another word for "good" : "bad"

    An insect that is black and yellow: "A giraffe"

    Something you can beat: "A child"

    An animal with three letters: "A rooster"

    Something you've got always in the drawer of your car: "A condom"
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    OMG....can't breathe...Death by laughter:laugh: What a way to go :laugh:
  12. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :hysterica + :faint: + :dead:

    :rolleyes: :laugh:
  13. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    This is one my uncle used to love saying:

    One for the road or Band of Hope

    I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to
    empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink. Or else...... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

    I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
    sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

    I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with
    the exception of one glass, which I drank.

    I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle, and poured the whisky down
    the sink, which I drank.

    I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the bottle
    down the glass, which I drank.

    I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it,
    and threw the rest down the glass, which I drank.

    I pulled the sink out of the next glass, bottled the drink and drank the
    poured the cork down the bottle.

    Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

    When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
    the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were 29, as the
    house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one
    bottle, which I drank.

    I’m not under the afluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am.
    I’m not half as thunk as you might drink.
    I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the
    longer I get.

    Oh me !! Bob Hope.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 14, 2007
  14. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :eek:hmy: :rolleyes: :laugh:
  15. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    quotes from letters to islington council's housing department

    "I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

    "I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

    "Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

    "I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

    "The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

    "I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

    "Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

    "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

    "Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

    "I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

    "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

    "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

    "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

    "Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

    "I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

    "The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

    "Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

    "I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

    "Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

    "I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

    "We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

    "This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."
  16. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child Support Agency (CSA) forms

    These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad their own right some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy.

    "..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."

    "..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."

    "..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."

    "..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."

    "..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."

    "..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."

    "..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant.."

    "..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."

    "..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I'm afraid.."

    "..I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was taken unexpectedly from behind while being sick out of an upper-storey window. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this might help.."

    "..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."

    "..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.."

    "..Regarding the identity of child A's father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney.."

    "..I do not know the identity of my baby's father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.."

    "..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised.."

    "..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."
  17. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

  18. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Some of those made me grin, even though this thread is for Terry, thank you I needed that.
  19. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

  20. They made me laugh too, thankyou :)
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