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Three hours of my everyday life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Withdrawn, Nov 7, 2010.

  1. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    My attendant took care of me yesterday. I was at her home, and we baked muffins. First we went to the shop, and bought ingredients.
    I was as stiff as a poker, and really afraid. I felt people were watching me in the shop.

    I had problems climbing the stairs. I almost fell and I stepped very carefully.
    When my attendant opened the front door, I didn't dare to go in. She said: "Please come here, Withdrawn" so finally I did.

    I stood in the hall without doing anything.
    Attendant: "Hang your jacket up here, please." She pointed at a hook. I hanged my jacket up.
    Attendant: "Take your shoes off, please." I didn't. She pointed at the floor.
    I took my shoes off.

    I stood in the middle of the flat and twirled my hands.
    The attendant said: "Please sit down on this chair" and showed me a white chair.
    I jerked a lot, and sat down on the chair.
    Attendant: "Well done, Withdrawn."

    My attendant melted the butter.
    I got a strong desire of rocking back and forth.
    I started to rock very carefully so that my attendant couldn't see what I was doing.
    The rocking became more and more intense. Furthermore, I was twirling and flapping my hands under the table.
    My attendant noticed me. She stopped doing what she was doing and sat down on another chair opposite me.

    Attendant: "Withdrawn? ..."
    I was already in my own world. My stare was empty.
    Attendant: "Are you feeling bad? Would you like to go home?"
    Silence. Rocking. Twirling.
    Attendant: "I know this is difficult for you..."
    No reaction. The attendant told me there were other people similar to me.
    She said I wasn't alone with those feelings.
    Attendant: "I don't really know how to calm you down. Just sit here, and breathe slowly and try to relax."
    After 15 minutes, I stopped rocking. I was scared of my attendant's reaction over my stimming (self-stimulation).
    I didn't stop moving my hands though.

    The attendant gave me muffin tins. She said: "Please take twelve of them. Then put them on the baking sheet."
    I eyed the tins meticulously. After a few minutes, the attendant saw I hadn't started yet. She just lifted the tins up and did it herself.
    I was looking at them when she took them, and became upset. I twiddled my hands.

    While the muffins were in the oven, the attendant sat down on the sofa and turned the TV on.
    Attendant: "Please come, Withdrawn. Let's check if there's something funny to watch on TV."
    I walked towards her with shaky steps. When I was halfway, she started to smile.
    Perhaps because I was walking as if the floor was dangerous, and because I was wide-eyed.
    Perhaps I looked hilarious. I didn't know, and I didn't really care. I sat down on the sofa.

    We watched TV and I moved my hands up and down.
    My attendant leeked at me sometimes. Sometimes she laughed, because she thought something was funny on TV.
    I didn't laugh. I didn't understand what was funny. She had to explain. Or she didn't have to, because I never said anything, but she did anyway.

    Then she and I walked home to me.
    I didn't say goodbye although I really tried to. It was impossible to say anything.

    I HATE MY LIFE. I never seem to make any progress!
    I am 14 and I still rock back and forth with my body and do strange things with my hands. I hide in corners and nobody can get into contact with me.
    I cannot talk (sometimes with my sister though) and I cannot use or understand body language or eye contact.
    Am I a stupid alian, or what?!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your sister doesn't think your an alien she loves you very much You did very well to cope all that time with your attendant that took strength. I hope you can spend more time with your sister someone you are comfortable with
  3. adamblast

    adamblast Member

    You don't sound at all stupid, and you write very well. I'm grateful you took the time to write this all out for us. The rest of us don't really know what it's like to have autism, so it's great when you can help people understand what's happening. I think you're awesome in your own way.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You did go to her house and did the best you can...it takes many tries to get things right...next time, maybe you will be a little more comfortable...considering how you did, look how well you expressed the event...that is wonderful...maybe you should start collecting the good stuff too...you were able to process your reasons for doing things and what you did...that is far better than many...J
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I can undestand about the eye contact. I'm not trying to be rude or anything when I don't look you in the eye when you're talking to me, I just don't feel comfortable looking in poeples eyes at times. I usually just look off into a blank space beside there head or just look down at the ground. I'm surprised strangers don't think I'm blind or something....
  6. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you, hons. :hug:

    Just noticed I spelled "alien" this way: "alian".
    I suppose I made a lot of other mistakes when I wrote the post.
    Everything I do goes wrong!

    Today I was at school for an hour, and all I did was sitting down in a corner on the floor, while reading a book and rocking back and forth.
    I was supposed to sit at a writing desk, but I refused to. I feel safe on the floor.
  7. LogDork

    LogDork Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You DO write very well, Withdrawn :)
    Your writing style is very expressive, and I can relate to how you can observe whats going on in your time, and with that feeling of being on the outside looking in.
    I was in a bad accident when I was 13, it was so horrific that I couldnt remember it till years later, and even then it was more like I had watched a movie of it, seeing it happen from a different point of view.
  8. foreverforgotten

    foreverforgotten Well-Known Member

    i think you write very well.
    i always enjoy reading what others have to say.
    you should write more about how you feel :)
  9. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I like you.