My attendant took care of me yesterday. I was at her home, and we baked muffins. First we went to the shop, and bought ingredients. I was as stiff as a poker, and really afraid. I felt people were watching me in the shop. I had problems climbing the stairs. I almost fell and I stepped very carefully. When my attendant opened the front door, I didn't dare to go in. She said: "Please come here, Withdrawn" so finally I did. I stood in the hall without doing anything. Attendant: "Hang your jacket up here, please." She pointed at a hook. I hanged my jacket up. Attendant: "Take your shoes off, please." I didn't. She pointed at the floor. I took my shoes off. I stood in the middle of the flat and twirled my hands. The attendant said: "Please sit down on this chair" and showed me a white chair. I jerked a lot, and sat down on the chair. Attendant: "Well done, Withdrawn." My attendant melted the butter. I got a strong desire of rocking back and forth. I started to rock very carefully so that my attendant couldn't see what I was doing. The rocking became more and more intense. Furthermore, I was twirling and flapping my hands under the table. My attendant noticed me. She stopped doing what she was doing and sat down on another chair opposite me. Attendant: "Withdrawn? ..." I was already in my own world. My stare was empty. Attendant: "Are you feeling bad? Would you like to go home?" Silence. Rocking. Twirling. Attendant: "I know this is difficult for you..." No reaction. The attendant told me there were other people similar to me. She said I wasn't alone with those feelings. Attendant: "I don't really know how to calm you down. Just sit here, and breathe slowly and try to relax." After 15 minutes, I stopped rocking. I was scared of my attendant's reaction over my stimming (self-stimulation). I didn't stop moving my hands though. The attendant gave me muffin tins. She said: "Please take twelve of them. Then put them on the baking sheet." I eyed the tins meticulously. After a few minutes, the attendant saw I hadn't started yet. She just lifted the tins up and did it herself. I was looking at them when she took them, and became upset. I twiddled my hands. While the muffins were in the oven, the attendant sat down on the sofa and turned the TV on. Attendant: "Please come, Withdrawn. Let's check if there's something funny to watch on TV." I walked towards her with shaky steps. When I was halfway, she started to smile. Perhaps because I was walking as if the floor was dangerous, and because I was wide-eyed. Perhaps I looked hilarious. I didn't know, and I didn't really care. I sat down on the sofa. We watched TV and I moved my hands up and down. My attendant leeked at me sometimes. Sometimes she laughed, because she thought something was funny on TV. I didn't laugh. I didn't understand what was funny. She had to explain. Or she didn't have to, because I never said anything, but she did anyway. Then she and I walked home to me. I didn't say goodbye although I really tried to. It was impossible to say anything. I HATE MY LIFE. I never seem to make any progress! I am 14 and I still rock back and forth with my body and do strange things with my hands. I hide in corners and nobody can get into contact with me. I cannot talk (sometimes with my sister though) and I cannot use or understand body language or eye contact. Am I a stupid alian, or what?!