Three years on and I cannot cope anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sami, Apr 14, 2008.

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  1. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    yeah... three years ago i was raped by my best friend. i have only just admitted to this in therapy, but now i am having flashbacks all the time and i cannot deal with it. i can feel it, taste it, smell it... i hate this. my partner took away my medication and all the sharps so i am left with nothing to take it away apart from bingeing and purging. yeah, i am bulimic too. a few days ago i made a plan to commit suicide after my therapy session on wednesday. i don't want to die, i don't think. i just want this to stop. i'm so confused and scared. i can't tell my partner how i am feeling because it will upset him a lot. he would be better off with me out of his life anyway, i don't work and am claiming dla, but he pays the rent, the utility bills and it is embarrasing. everything about my life is fucked. i don't know what to do.
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    this will be the most intense part of therapy, when you first accept and start to deal with the rape. just know that the flashbacks won't last forever.

    these feelings come in waves so for now it's just about staying afloat. it's the depression and anxiety that tells you that your partner would be better off without you. it's simply not true.

    you don't have to tell your partner the full story, but at the very least let him know that you are dealing with some very difficult things in therapy and that you need his love and support. tell him, like you told us, that you don't want to die but that you are suffering so much. he'd want to know.

    you should also tell your therapist. if you leave counselling more suicidal than when you arrived, or at least *as* suicidal it means you are going too fast... maybe you need to step back a bit from these issues, get some more supports in place, and then start again. take your time and make your safety the main priority.

    take care.
     
  3. MaNg0s

    MaNg0s Well-Known Member

    I promise you the flashbacks of rape will go away after more sessions in therapy it really does help to talk about it. Obviously the memories will not go away but the pain that is attached to them will become less intense in time. Your partner obviously cares a lot about you he would not be better without you when you love someone the last thing you want to do is lose them because there is no point to life without someone to love. Good luck.
     
  4. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies. I told my therapist how I was feeling and he referred me to the crisis service. I went into my session with an insane amount of pills and blades.. They came this morning and are having a discussion about what to do with me. :( I'm really scared they will put me in the psych ward.
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    do you have input into the direction of your treatment? if you really want to stay outpatient be very clear about that with them. you *do* have some control over what happens. yes, of course, some people are sectioned but most places far prefer outpatient treatment.

    there are many people here who have been in patient, i think the best that can be said is that it gives you a break from your every day responsibilities, and a little time to stabilize. the worse case scenario can be that you are over medicated and bored out of your mind. still, if it is the only way to survive this difficult time perhaps you might be open to the idea. let me know what happens?
     
  6. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    (( dazzle ))

    Thanks :) They never called me yesterday which can only be a good thing. Although, I did SH pretty badly.. still breathing! I did say to my doctor that I had no intention of going to hospital and he agreed that it would probably make me worse. This whole thing seem pointless though because I am planning to die tomorrow. Eh.
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    please don't. if you really think tomorrow is the day, maybe the best place for you is the hospital for a little while, or at least schedule a counselling appt for tomorrow.

    please reconsider? you are dealing with some very difficult issues in therapy. give it a chance to work?
     
  8. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    I just got a call from the crisis team. They're not taking me on. They have asked for a key worker to be ready for Monday... I honestly don't know what I am going to do right now. I know to call the hospital or a charity if I struggle by myself tomorrow... God this is so fcuking hard. Thank you for replying x
     
  9. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    I'm all alone tonight. Don't know what to do yet. Figured out what is stopping me so far. It's the fear of my boyfriends reaction to my death. He said he would kill himself if I did. I don't want that to happen. I love him so much. I am so scared and confused.
     
  10. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    Just an update... I called the samaritans and feel safer for tonight at least. Absolutely exhausted from crying so I am going to bed now.
     
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i am so glad you made that call. do not be afraid to call them back if you need to, tomorrow. can you keep yourself extra busy over the weekend? movies, library, walks.... just so that you are not acting on your suicidal feelings? i find weekends really hard, so i schedule activities all day and night. that way i just look at the list if i don't know what to do with myself. first thing on the list: do not harm yourself. then, stuff to do. c.
     
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