I first thought of suicide when I was 12 years old. It was triggered by the onset of a sexual identity crisis that continued unabated throughout adolescence and into early adulthood. Although originally a good student, I became burned out my last two years of secondary school and just barely graduated. This was followed by a series of aimless jobs for a few years, none of which I was happy at. I began drinking and experimenting with prescription narcotics in my early 20s. Addiction never crossed my mind even though a have a long, documented family history of it. I didn't have a legitimate prescription for these drugs. I forged those and this lead to my first felony arrest and conviction. Although my sentence was originally probated, this was revoked when I was convicted of my first DWI. That first trip to the penitentiary altered my life forever, even though it was only 2 years. I was aware that the world could be a bad place before that experience, but it wasn't until I was there that I began to appreciate just how vile and evil one human being could be to another. It was terrifying. After my release, I found that I was locked out of society. Even though I never really felt like I was a part of it to start with, it was now socially codified. People had good reason to turn me away from jobs, homes, and colleges. Nobody wants to employ or lease to a convicted criminal who was an addict. One night in 2002, after consuming a great deal of alcohol, I attempted suicide by driving my car into a lake. Being intoxicated, I missed the lake and slammed into a tree instead. This resulted in a hospital stay immediately followed by 8 months in jail for my second DWI. My third DWI, a felony in my jurisdiction, came in 2006 and resulted in my second trip to the penitentiary where I again witnessed the same cold hearted nature of others. After another 2 year stint, I came home to take care of my father, who died in December, 2011 followed by my stepfather, who died just before last Christmas. The latter man was very stressful to look after as I have no medical training and he suffered a very slow, agonizing death. Of course, a bottle helped me through it. 5 weeks ago, after having a root canal performed on a tooth, I again took prescription painkillers that had been given to me by my dentist. I also went about my usual ritual of consuming alcohol that afternoon and evening. I ended up in my car again with no recollection of any of the events afterward. Thus, this is now DWI #4 and felony #3. The local prosecutor here has decided to try me as a habitual felon which will command a 25 year sentence this time. I have four words for him: I.....DON'T.....THINK......SO. I barely survived my first two trips there with my sanity. A third trip, especially one of that duration, would wiped my sanity out. I still have a few months to sort out what needs to be sorted out. My attorney managed to convince a magistrate to lower my bond from $100,000 to $25,000 and release me while awaiting trial. There will be no trial this time, except the one in my own head and heart. The fact that most of my family is now deceased makes this choice far more easy. My history should make it easy for society as well. I'm a dangerous person. My actions over the years have displayed that. But I promised myself that I would rather die than go back there. For those that argue that suicide is somehow selfish, I can see that argument when it comes to certain people and certain situations. Each one is different. In my case, I don't see the selfishness. Just about everyone is gone now and why cause expense to a society that has deemed I should be confined away from them for a long time. I can't say that I'm not conflicted about it because I don't consider myself a bad person, even though I have committed some bad acts. Hell, the top prosecutor in Austin, Texas just got sentenced to 45 days in jail for DWI. There just is no point in going on anymore. Even if I were sentenced to a 25 years and was released after, say 7 to 10 years, which wouldn't be far fetched here, what have you then? A career criminal released back out onto the street and probably with mental deficiencies significantly worse than they are today. No chance at employment or housing. What do you do with that person? If they are on the street, they have to eat somehow. So they steal and rob and panhandle and what not. Then they are re-arrested and back to prison they go. I see it everyday in this city. I saw it everyday both times when I was in prison. Those people were already the walking dead.