Today is Monday and on Thursday I have to go to Morgantown for a ssi hearing. Its my second hearing, well third sceduled. I went to the first one only to be sent home when the judge didnt recieve all the paper work. The second was sceduled and canceled a few days later because the judge wanted a personal day so she took off work. Now the third one is coming up, on Thursday, just a few short days from now...Im really hoping I win and get awarded my ssi. I have convinced myself that I cant loose based on what my lawyer has said and my own understanding of the ssi laws in my state. It will come with downfalls yes. I will have to try and cancel my husbands insurance because if I win the extra income will void his assistance and we cant afford to pay for it out of pocket, even with a higher income. Also we will loose food assistance from the county we live in, so I will have to pay for the food out of pocket. So Im looking at an extra est. $500 out of pocket for food expences if I win since I will loose assistance and also for the insurance out of pocket if I cant cancel it..Im hoping I win though..Im 23 years old..I have waited my whole life for life to start for me. Really start..I have a husband and a little boy..Its about time I can get my life going. If I win the hearing this week I will be able to move (based on the lawyers figuring of how much back pay they owe me). I cant move on and get my life in order living in the house I do. This place has been hell for me. I almost lost my marriage and my son in this god forsaken trash can that passes for living space.. I filled out divorce papers here and cps ruint my life here by hounding me for three years time.. I have cried here, screamed at the gods here, swolled pills here, used a pen to drawl the marks on my body where I only wished I had the nerve to cut, I lived in a state of total hell here..I cant move on until I get out.. Im so overcome with emotions now that my hearing is in a few days..Im afraid I will loose and wont be able to handle it..My health is already so bad Im passing out and stumbling a lot. I cant handle the blow of another loss..Im counting on this hearing to change my life and hopefully it will be a change for the better. I want to move out of here, I want to live comfortably, I want enough food, I want enough money to pay all the bills, I want to be able to see the doctor when Im sick, I want to be able to do things that normal people can do that I cant because I dont have any money or resources. My husband didnt ask for his spine to be bad. Its not his fault he cant work anymore. Its certainly not my fault I have bipolar disorder either..I didnt ask for this and if I was given the chance to pick my life it wouldnt be anything like the one I have now..Im tired of suffering..Im ready to move on.. I dont know why Im posting this here. I guess its a way to vent and feel better about things..Im so worried that if i loose I will loose it literally. Im afraid I will attack the judge or badly harm myself.. I couldnt stand the sadness of hearing 'Denied'.. I deserve to have enough food, money for bills, and living expences..I deserve that, Im a damn living being..I dont deserve this life I have..Please wish me luck on my hearing, please wish me luck on winning so I can move on and hopefully have a better life.