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Thursday will change my life...unsure

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, May 26, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Today is Monday and on Thursday I have to go to Morgantown for a ssi hearing. Its my second hearing, well third sceduled. I went to the first one only to be sent home when the judge didnt recieve all the paper work. The second was sceduled and canceled a few days later because the judge wanted a personal day so she took off work. Now the third one is coming up, on Thursday, just a few short days from now...Im really hoping I win and get awarded my ssi. I have convinced myself that I cant loose based on what my lawyer has said and my own understanding of the ssi laws in my state. It will come with downfalls yes. I will have to try and cancel my husbands insurance because if I win the extra income will void his assistance and we cant afford to pay for it out of pocket, even with a higher income. Also we will loose food assistance from the county we live in, so I will have to pay for the food out of pocket. So Im looking at an extra est. $500 out of pocket for food expences if I win since I will loose assistance and also for the insurance out of pocket if I cant cancel it..Im hoping I win though..Im 23 years old..I have waited my whole life for life to start for me. Really start..I have a husband and a little boy..Its about time I can get my life going. If I win the hearing this week I will be able to move (based on the lawyers figuring of how much back pay they owe me). I cant move on and get my life in order living in the house I do. This place has been hell for me. I almost lost my marriage and my son in this god forsaken trash can that passes for living space.. I filled out divorce papers here and cps ruint my life here by hounding me for three years time.. I have cried here, screamed at the gods here, swolled pills here, used a pen to drawl the marks on my body where I only wished I had the nerve to cut, I lived in a state of total hell here..I cant move on until I get out.. Im so overcome with emotions now that my hearing is in a few days..Im afraid I will loose and wont be able to handle it..My health is already so bad Im passing out and stumbling a lot. I cant handle the blow of another loss..Im counting on this hearing to change my life and hopefully it will be a change for the better. I want to move out of here, I want to live comfortably, I want enough food, I want enough money to pay all the bills, I want to be able to see the doctor when Im sick, I want to be able to do things that normal people can do that I cant because I dont have any money or resources. My husband didnt ask for his spine to be bad. Its not his fault he cant work anymore. Its certainly not my fault I have bipolar disorder either..I didnt ask for this and if I was given the chance to pick my life it wouldnt be anything like the one I have now..Im tired of suffering..Im ready to move on.. I dont know why Im posting this here. I guess its a way to vent and feel better about things..Im so worried that if i loose I will loose it literally. Im afraid I will attack the judge or badly harm myself.. I couldnt stand the sadness of hearing 'Denied'.. I deserve to have enough food, money for bills, and living expences..I deserve that, Im a damn living being..I dont deserve this life I have..Please wish me luck on my hearing, please wish me luck on winning so I can move on and hopefully have a better life.
  2. inkspring

    inkspring Well-Known Member

    Empty Walls, I really hope that the hearing works out in such a way that will truly be beneficial for you and your family.

    I am sorry that you and your husband's lives are painful and difficult.
    I know it's hard--I also am bipolar. But hold onto the thought of your son and what could happen to him if you aren't around.

    Hope all works out
  3. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to post and let everyone know that my hearing didnt go well. Apparently theres been some changes in elligability requirments and because of them Im no longer elligable for monthly checks. However I may still be elligable for free medical care but wont hear about that until the end of the year. Im not handling it well but Im trying. I cried on the ride home and was very uncomfortable on the long drive. I felt so bad I wanted to throw myself in front of a 18 wheeler on the interstate. I dont know what to do..I cant move unless I can pay off some big bills in full and since I cant I dont think I will be able to move now. I will have to rely on my mother to pay for all the repairs to the other place. Which include a new hallway floor and a new roof. On top of that shes got to pay for repairs and a septic system at her other place too. So I wont be moving unless a miracle happens. I feel like such trash. I have never had anything really really good happen to me. Never had a new car, new house, or anything really really nice. Now I live in a dump thats falling down, eat food I hate when the food money runs low/out, have to save for ages to get a new outfit, and gosh I cant even think right at the moment..Anyways my Dad is searching for boards so I can do some shauty repairs around this dump and hopefully keep it from falling to the ground on me.. On the good side..I got a new kitten today.. Hes a long tailed manx I named Maximus (or Max for short).....
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