Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by DanielC, Jan 24, 2008.

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  1. DanielC

    DanielC Member

    This post really has nothing to do with thursdays. To be honest I just couldn't think of a better thread name, and I've never really liked the standard "I hate my life" etc names as i really don't.

    Today was a sort of return to old ways. It is weird, in the past I have had relationships with women which went a bit too far, whether they lead me into it or i forced my way in out of desperation or a combination of both is probably irrelevant. But today, i found myself feeling the exact same way about a woman as I have both of the previous times something like this has happened. It would take much to long to fully explain it, but when we were still new to each other (meaning only met a few times at work), i could see the signs. I knew that my relationship with her was going to head in the same direction as the others, i could feel it in my gut. i was going to tear my heart out for this girl, and she was not going to accept it. It isn't her fault, if somebody doesn't like/love you then that is just how it is. there is nothing that can be done about it, or maybe there is and I just don't know how or what or when it is appropriate to do so. But anyways, I knew it was going to end up the same, so i would remove her from IM buddy lists, avoid facebook, barely talk to her at all at work. i knew then just as i know now that it might have seemed very weird, or at least i think it seemed weird. i find it very hard to put perspective on things sometimes. would be nice if the world played like a MMORPG :p .

    anyways, i would try and talk to her every chance i got, while at the same time avoiding her. i tried to do things with her and her friends, yet when i was around them i would try and remain distant. at first. after awhile i just became completely infatuated with her and didn't restrain myself any. I did not do anything bad, i am not a bad person, but i warped my mind around the idea that she loved me back, and that i loved her. i was so frustrated that she didn't i eventually broke down at work. she offered to talk with me about things, and we went to a Panera's (some bagel and coffee place that also has lunch type stuffs) where, for two hours, i bawled at her. I don't really remember what we talked about, but i just remember crying alot and using up a ton of napkins for snot (which is kind of gross). the thing is, in my head i think i was subtly doing whatever i could to convince myself that she did indeed love me back. i...don't mean to sound weird, but i am insanely alone, and it is probably my fault or a fault in me. i think i tend to latch onto people too desperately in some blind fear that they will leave me, or don't care or some goddamn thing.

    anyways...things got a little weird between us, or maybe i just made them weird, when i found out she had had sex with a friend of hers who i knew. the guy is kind of a loser, he was fired from possibly the easiest job in the world for being a lazy git. i dunno, in all reality he seems like a decent guy. i'm just jealous i think. but that struck something deep in me. i felt...a massive hole inside. just this complete and utter emptiness. i've felt it before, and whenever it has happened before i have typically broken down, cried alot, and called my dad saying i needed to start/stop medication and get some kind of help. this has happened no less than 3 times now, twice because of women (or rather what i do around women i love).

    today i was working out on the floor with her (its a computer store, i pull double-duty as a repair tech and a sales-floor associate). i went over to one of the machines to look up something for a customer, and her e-mail was open. i closed it, but noticed she had an e-mail from the Escapist (btw, if you are a video game nerd do a google search for "Yahtzee Review". funny shit), and I mentioned that. she didn't respond at first. i think she thought i had like read the e-mail, when in reality i just closed the window. but she asked me about the escapist and i talked about a few i had seen and she laughed with me. i also found out she is dating that guy i told you about earlier.

    so right now, i sit here typing this. feeling...very anxious and confused and sad and happy and mad and all those things. i'm worried i will lose her as a friend, and even more worried that my reactions are signs of things to come. i do not want to be creepy, i do not want to push everybody away. but it seems as though i spend half of my time trying to bring people closer, then as soon as I see any small amount of resistance i freak out and start to tell myself "fuck them, the fuckers don't bother with them" and i back off. i leave them completely alone, while calling myself all kinds of horrible names because i somehow think that i am this piece of shit being who is completely incapable of forming a meaningful relationship with anybody, friend or otherwise.

    but is that true? or am i just telling myself that to avoid actually having to FORM friendships? when is the appropriate time to say something, ask something, do something? i am so completely out of touch when it comes to people it is positively mind boggling. i think i know people, i think i understand how they think, then they go in a completely different direction or react in a way i never would have guessed and i then throw myself into this thing of not knowing anything about anybody and it just goes on and on.

    ugh. i started typing this to see if i could clear my head, and i suppose it has worked some. or maybe not, maybe i'm just all confused and whatever.

    if you are able to read all of that, congratulations. i understand if you don't. i just needed to say that somehow.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: for you
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